Tag: freedom

Chapter 72 – Tonight Anna

This blog is a book. Maybe better to read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Just Past Midnight, 22 February 2016.

 

DDIY anymore!

 

“Champagne, Anna?”

“Yes, please.” — Hell, yeah!

Btw, the expression should probably be Heaven, yeah! 

Anna feels heaven is way too underrated and missunderstood by most of her fellow terrestrians. For her, heaven is this perfect paradise and the culmination of all the good, unimaginable, exciting things we can’t even begin to fathom. Wholeness, joy and dried tears, appeal. A place of perfect love and perfect, awesome, wondrous happiness. Acceptance.

She also feels that whenever two souls truly, truly encounter, they can experience just a little taste of that eternity. If only for a few minutes at a time, and in a very earthly manner. A glimpse, as they transcend the now together – infinity is here – and we’re the only two remaining people in the world…

…A world in whose time and space everyone else has – puft – simply ceased to exist.

Paradise, yeah.

 

Tonight Anna will be celebrating.

 

She’s started celebrating the:

Oh, you don’t want me, Mr. Ex? Well – haha – I don’t care. Get a move on then – scoot – there are people who do. And I…

I want myself.

Hello!

Here and now is where I am. And my resilient spirit is young. Yes, it is!

We owe it to those who can’t – I owe it to oxygen itself – to live life to the fullest while I still have a breathing chance. It’s my responsibility (and yours, my readerest ally, yours too).

 

Do celebrate! Party hard, you pulchritudinous, alluring, Anna.

Yeah! I feel great – aliveness in every fibre of my being.

So lowliness, go away. Skedaddle. Shooo.

I didn’t choose this hellish loneliness – so scamper, off with you!!

 

I am just in – to celebrate the…

…Dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin – the whole lot for all I care.

…Freedom, coming-of-age, sou dona do meu nariz, better late than never liberty!

…Butterflies, desire, chemistry, electricity. Zizzzz, zizz. Burn me, passion. Make haste. Mark me, oh, do mark me?

 

Let’s party…

…At a place where need meets opportunity.

Anticipation – Mmm, why not take a closer look?

 

Zealous kissing, hugging, together skin on skin.

Perspiration, inspiration. Yearning, elation.

Ardor, fervor, scorching flames.

The heat!

Oh, love game, what have you got for me?

Thrills, tremor, satisfaction.

An honest attempt? Losing myself in something I really want? An oasis? Conquering peaks! Summit, victory?

 

“So, champagne??”

Heaven, yeah!

Paradise, yep.

Oh yes, Englishman.

“Yes, please!”

© 2017 rf

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Obs. 🎼 Quero ser feliz, bye bye tristeza, não precisa voltar. 🎶
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..

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No one here is pure, neither angel nor demon
None of us has the recipe to live a happy life
It’s impossible to separate dreams from reality

Or to separate me from you… Or then you from me…
I’m not here to suffer, why should I feel all this longing?
I just want to be happy, so…
Bye, bye sadness, you don’t need to come back.

I already know how to make mistakes on my own without asking for advice
If I suffer, who will cry for me?
I already know how to look at myself without needing any mirrors.

Do not dare tell me no. And not even to say yes.

I’m not here to suffer (bye, bye tristeza)
Why should I feel all this longing? (bye, bye sadness)
I just want to be happy
Bye, bye tristeza you don’t need to come back.

(Free translation).

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Chapter 24 – Resilient In The Storm

“So don’t be afraid – you are worth more than many sparrows.”

 

February 2016 (and before).

 

There’s a little birdie flying in the Finnish sky. Clouds or no clouds, sunshine or rain, our sparrow spreads its wings and glides away. She soars, back-flips, twirls and dives.

She’s free, you see?

After a long, long time, she’s happily – finally – free to fly.

She wasn’t his prisoner. No, they were friends – both in the same cage. Then came craze and maturity and now they’ve both been freed to age with dignity.

There are other birds out there. Flying her way and she theirs.

“No! Go away – you’re not him.” Let’s see what happens when she finds 16.

  🐦

 

Tears are bound to come soon, but truth be told, Anna has been feeling relieved and delivered.

The last two years of her marriage were all about friendship, kindness, and awkward final attempts to reconnect. A few last fights.

Then he quit.

It just wasn’t meant to be?

Of course it had been shocking when, in the summer of 2015, it had felt as though he was far away and as good as gone already. They were spending a long holiday in Majorca with the teens, but no, no connection. Just a huge unsurpassable gap.

July to September flew (haha). Then one day in the latter, they were sitting in her car in the afternoon. He touched on the topic of a separation.

Oh no, not again…

Anna couldn’t bear his candid, unruffled reminder-threats anymore!

Stressful!

Yet, she turned to him and…

It looks as though he has accepted the situation and is at peace. Hmmm.

At that moment, she searched her soul, down to its most unerring part and back, faced the tweet 🎵, permitting herself to feel fully and honestly all that she really, truly felt.

Take a deep breath!

And then very calmly, very lovingly said:

“Pedro, I think we should stay together. We have our teens, all the memories, our photo albums, all our victories. We have just moved back into our renovated flat.  We’ve redecorated! The teens have settled in their new schools and made friends. We’ve found new jobs, paid our debts and can start saving again.

“I don’t want a divorce” — she went on — “and I love you. We have all we need to grow closer together, open up our hearts once more to each other after our many storms. And just be happy, leaving the past in the past. All the hurt, all the heartbreak!”

Long sigh.

“Having said that…

“…The only reason, Pedro, the absolute only reason why I’ll want a divorce is…

“…if you look into your heart of hearts and know — you just know that you don’t love me enough. You don’t love me like I deserve to be appreciated. Like everybody does.

“In that case, I do want a divorce, too.

“But, I won’t ask for it. You will have to be brave enough and make the decision. To take that leap of faith.”

A flight of faith?

 

It felt amazing to speak with such veracity.

They finally connected.

 

And a week later he asked for the divorce.

 

It was a slow-paced process — that dragged on for years — the whole thing. Now, four months after that earnestness, Anna has been living in her adorable flat for almost six weeks.

All the tears seem so 2015 to her! Tears that purified her being, nonetheless. She feels washed up and freed:

A new beginning! Há males que vêm para o bem.

A blessing in disguise. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Even in the (dark, wintry) Finnish skies.

© 2017 rf

🐦

 

P.S.alm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place… My soul yearns, even faints… my heart and my flesh cry out… Even the sparrow has found a home… Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley… they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength… Hear my prayer Lord… Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper… than dwell in the tents of the wicked. No good thing does he withhold… Blessed is the one who trusts in you.