Chapter 24 – Let Him Down Easy Like This

“So don’t be afraid – you are worth more than many sparrows.”

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February 2016 and before.

 

There’s a little birdie flying in the Finnish sky. Clouds or no clouds, sunshine or rain, our sparrow spreads its wings and glides away. She soars, back-flips, twirls and dives.

She’s free, you see?

After a long long time, she’s happily – finally – free to fly.

She wasn’t his prisoner. No, they were friends – both in the same cage. Then came craze and maturity and now they’ve both been freed to age with dignity.

There are other birds out there. Flying her way and she theirs.

“No! Go away – you’re not him.” Let’s see what happens when she finds 16.

  🐦

 

Tears will come later. More longing. But truth be told, Anna has been feeling relieved and delivered.

The last two years of her marriage were all about friendship, kindness, and awkward final attempts to reconnect. A few last fights. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Of course it was shocking when, in the summer of 2015, it felt as though he was far away and as good as gone already. They were spending a long holiday in Majorca with the teens, but no, no connection. Just a huge unsurpassable gap.

July to September flew (ha-ha). Then one day in the latter, they were sitting in her car in the afternoon. He touched on the topic of a separation – again…

And Anna couldn’t take even one more of his candid, unruffled reminder-threats! Yet, it looked as though he had accepted the truth and was at peace.

At that moment, she searched her soul, to its most unerring part and back, faced the tweet 🎵, let herself feel fully what she really, truly felt. And then very calmly, very lovingly said:

“Pedro, I think we should stay together. We have our teens, all the memories, our photo albums, all our victories. We have just moved back into our renovated/redecorated flat. The teens have settled in their new schools and made friends. We’ve found new jobs, paid our debts and can start saving again.

“I don’t want a divorce – and I love you. We have all we need to grow closer together, open up our hearts once more to each other after our many storms. And just be happy, leaving the past in the past.

Having said that, the only reason, the absolute only reason why I’ll want a divorce is…

…if you look into your heart of hearts and know – you just know that you don’t love me enough. You don’t love me like I deserve to be appreciated. Like everybody does.

In that case, I do want a divorce.

But, I won’t ask for it. You will have to be brave enough and make the decision. To take that leap of faith.

A flight of faith?

 

It felt amazing to speak with such veracity. They finally connected.

And a week later he asked for the divorce.

 

It was a slow-paced process – that dragged on for years – the whole thing. Now, four months after that earnestness, Anna has been living in her adorable flat for almost six weeks.

All the tears seem so 2015 to her! Tears that purified her being, nonetheless. She feels washed up and freed.

A new beginning! Há males que vêm para o bem.

A blessing in disguise. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Even in the Finnish skies.

© 2017 rf

🐦

 

P.S.alm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place… My soul yearns, even faints… my heart and my flesh cry outEven the sparrow has found a home… Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley… they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength… Hear my prayer Lord… Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper… than dwell in the tents of the wicked. No good thing does he withhold… Blessed is the one who trusts in you.

Chapter 1 – Separated Anna

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? The Prologue and Intro. 🙂

 

Sunday, 27 December 2015.

 

Day 7

 

Separated Anna has started to settle down in her new flat. It’s been three days since Xmas Eve and the teens have been with her since then. She’s feeling merry and she just loves spending time at their new place together.

She loves Kristiina and Joseph way more! Before here and now and beyond.

“I love you guys too much… and not nearly enough!❤️‍” is what she sometimes texts them.

Gosh, to heaven and back, to hell and back, and everywhere in between. Natural motherly love. Plain and simple.

 

Talking of feelings…

At the moment, all her tears have dried up. For now, she’s just making sound decisions and acting on them: stay strong, be happy, light, brave, and matter of fact. Nonchalant.

Fight it with sports and a healthy diet, Anna! Spend time with your teens, relatives and friends. Enjoy freedom!

OK, OK. If needed cry a little. But not too often, please! — she rolls her eyes, annoyed — If Mr. Ex doesn’t want to be with me anymore, well, too bad for him. His loss!!

Who cares about the past, right?

Anna has been through a thousand emotions in the last few months. Torrential tears, inexplicable laughter, numbness, rage, relief, doubt, fear. Just to name a few of the heart-wrenching feelings she’s had down poured all over her.

Or welled up from the deepest, most unbeknownst depths inside.

Take the night she moved out of her home, for instance. It felt so horrible that she can’t bear dwelling on it. She won’t even allow me, the narrator, to further elaborate on that either. At least not yet.

 

Unconsciously, Anna has postponed her final tears for the lost marriage to later on.

You actually can – willingly, yet unknowingly – push your grief into the future. But warning! It will catch you there when you least expect it. After all, still waters run deep. Very deep.

Anna’s storms are slowly brewing, the necessary mourning is still to come. Thunder and lightning – believe me! I, the narrator, am here in 2017, so I already know everything that’s going to happen back in 2016.

This book will seek to relate to you the story of Anna in chronological order (perhaps with a few flash forwards and -backs).

Right now she’s very determined to be happy, friendly and calm. Sweet Lord Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the donkey! Anna’s 2016 will be loaded with novelty in every way.

Hmm. There will be tough partial healing, too. But most of all, 2016 will turn out to be a blessed, fun-filled year, amazing and full of love – like she can’t imagine just yet.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 7 since moving out. New beginnings!