Chapter 72 – Tonight Anna

This blog is a book. Maybe better to read from the beginning? 🙂

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Just Past Midnight, 22 February 2016.

 

DDIY anymore!

 

“Champagne, Anna?”

“Yes, please.” Hell, yeah!

Btw, the expression should probably be Heaven, yeah! 

Anna feels heaven is way too underrated and missunderstood by most of her fellow terrestrians. For her, heaven is this perfect paradise and the culmination of all the good, unimaginable, exciting things we can’t even begin to fathom. Wholeness, joy and dried tears, appeal. A place of perfect love and perfect, awesome, wondrous happiness. Acceptance.

She also feels that whenever two souls truly, truly encounter, they can experience just a little taste of that eternity. If only for a few minutes at a time, and in a very earthly manner. A glimpse, as they transcend the now together – infinity is here – and we’re the only two remaining people in the world…

A world in whose time and space everyone else has – puft – simply ceased to exist.

Paradise, yeah.

 

Tonight Anna will be celebrating.

 

She’s started celebrating the:

Oh, you don’t want me, Mr. Ex? Well – haha – I don’t care. Get a move on then – scoot – there are people who do. And I…

I want myself.

Hello!

Here and now is where I am. And my resilient spirit is young. Yes, it is!

We owe it to those who can’t – I owe it to oxygen itself – to live life to the fullest while I still have a breathing chance. It’s my responsibility (and yours, my readerest ally, yours too).

 

Do celebrate! Party hard, you pulchritudinous, alluring, Anna.

Yeah! I feel great – aliveness in every fibre of my being.

So lowliness, go away. Skedaddle. Shooo.

I didn’t choose this hellish loneliness – so scamper, off with you!!

 

I am just in – to celebrate the…

…Dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin – the whole lot for all I care.

Freedom, coming-of-age, sou dona do meu nariz, better late than never liberty!

…Butterflies, desire, chemistry, electricity. Zizzzz, zizz. Burn me, passion. Make haste. Mark me, oh, do mark me?

 

Let’s party…

…At a place where need meets opportunity.

Anticipation – Mmm, why not take a closer look?

 

Zealous kissing, hugging, together skin on skin.

Perspiration, inspiration. Yearning, elation.

Ardor, fervor, scorching flames.

The heat!

Oh, love game, what have you got for me?

Thrills, tremor, satisfaction.

An honest attempt? Losing myself in something I really want? An oasis? Conquering peaks! Summit, victory?

 

“So, champagne??”

Heaven, yeah!

Paradise, yep.

Oh yes, Englishman.

“Yes, please!”

© 2017 rf

.
.
Obs. 🎼 Quero ser feliz, bye bye tristeza, não precisa voltar. 🎶
.
..

.

No one here is pure, neither angel nor demon
None of us has the recipe to live a happy life
It’s impossible to separate dreams from reality

Or to separate me from you… Or then you from me…
I’m not here to suffer, why should I feel all this longing?
I just want to be happy, so…
Bye, bye sadness, you don’t need to come back.

I already know how to make mistakes on my own without asking for advice
If I suffer, who will cry for me?
I already know how to look at myself without needing any mirrors.

Do not dare tell me no. And not even to say yes.

I’m not here to suffer (bye, bye tristeza)
Why should I feel all this longing? (bye, bye sadness)
I just want to be happy
Bye, bye tristeza you don’t need to come back.

(Free translation).

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.

 

Chapter 68 – Tinder Date #16, Part One

This blog is a book. Maybe better to read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Sunday, 21 February 2016.

 

D-Afternoon

 

Anna is feeling as peppy as a little girl on Christmas morning since she woke up and jumped out of bed.

She cannot believe they are finally going to meet face to face after three weeks of enthusiastic chatting on Whatsapp – such heart-warming interaction. Sweet and witty! Back and forth between Finland and Germany.

Ahhh…

What if Christian really is a special person??

Please be!!

Please… Don’t disappoint me.

Well, his texts and phone calls have been quite impressive – I’ll give him that much… Expectations are high. Just saying.

Anna, let’s not get ahead of ourselves! You’ll know soon enough. 

 

If there’s one thing our Anna has learned from her previous fifteen dates, it’s that you never know what the chemistry (or lack thereof) will be like, until you spend some time together in person.

Yes.

She’s found that interesting messages usually make for an interesting person, and phone calls already give you half an accurate first impression.

Definitely.

But, you’ve gotta meet live, really… Spend time together!

Sometimes it only takes ten seconds to know.

But can the attraction grow on you as he shows you the different sides of himself little by little?

Or the opposite? Haha – surely.

It takes time to know people.

 

Then, there’s something else about guys. They have traditionally been considered the stronger, braver gender, but sometimes I think they seem to have interest in a lady, but they just quit way too fast.

Reasonable men won’t pursue a lady if they don’t think they stand a chance. It’s as if their energy is limited, so they need a clear/mysterious sign to see that it’s worth putting in the effort.

This little Love Game is harder than it seems! Gosh.

And more fun.

And more frustrating.

And the winning prize the best there can be (but remember to put in the work to keep the prize alive through the years).

Ahhh… Anna sighs.

Ahhh…

 

It’s like the birds and their back and forth dance of love. We’re just the same!

You chat, he rings you up, you laugh together. You go a little silent – but just a little! You show interest, and then go about your normal daily business.

You live life to the full. Go on many dates, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Never! Not before he will…

He writes again, he pursues you. He finds you interesting and doesn’t go AWOL. You’re active and happy in life.

And thinking of him.

You send him a new message – show him he easily comes back to your mind. Awww. He writes to you for hours on end. Makes you laugh like at the circus. The chat flows. It feels good for both of you.

You send a couple of selfies. Tell him about your day. Wow – he’s interested! He comments. It seems like he cares and finds you adoring for some reason. Expectations are on the rise. You say Good Night 💋, he says Sweet Dreams Xx – and you sleep with a huge smile on your face. Feeling warm and nice.

It’s hot – I’ll open the window.

Sometimes both of you go silent for longer hours and you can’t really know – but you’re hoping you’re on his mind, too. Both are investing time and attention – but playing it just a teeny bit cool, as well. Just to make it more exciting.

This seduction dance goes on for days, weeks or months in some cases.

In theirs, time flies, and the three weeks since they matched on Tinder and started chatting are complete. The awaited D-Day is today. D-evening, actually.

They are going to meet up in person in six hours. Sex, på svenska.

 

Anna finds attraction, romance, passion and love amazing. Maybe it’s happened to her three-four times since she was eleven years old?

That’s why she has to be so picky. You can’t share all that with just anyone. It’s gotta be special. He’s gotta feel like the One. He’s gotta put in the effort and not be a quitter.

 

OK, I’m 40 now.

You fall in love with someone (or the same One) once per decade. That’s not much at all!! Maybe it happens more often as you grow older and approach your end?? Live before it’s too late?? OMG. Fingers crossed.

 

The clock is ticking, and as you can see, all kinds of thoughts are rushing through Anna’s excitable mind as she’s relaxing at home, listening to music on her record player, thinking of what outfit to wear. Singing, humming, swinging to the tune.

She’s on holiday – yay! Hiihtoloma. Her flat is looking awesome – everything is so new – now clean, as well.

 

Ahhh… I should go and set the table. If Christian and I don’t find a restaurant open, we can always come here and have the veggie soup…?

The one I ordered from Mr. Ex – she giggles.

Pedro makes the best veggie soup ever – he’s such a great cook! First, he carries two heavy grocery bags full of fresh vegetables and legumes from the grocery store. Twenty different sorts, for sure. Then, he sits there in the kitchen – a whole day peeling, slicing and chopping the greens. His late mother’s recipe from Rio Grande do Sul.  Extremely healthy. Delicious!

In the last year of their marriage, he would make it whenever she asked him to, while sipping chimarão. She’d freeze different portions of the soup and have them throughout the week.

Last time she went to his home to pick up the dog, she bought a huge pot of the magical soup he’d just made. He laughed at it, but OK, agreed. And gave her the recipe for any future need.

Anna defroze it over the night and tasted it this morning. It seemed a little bland, for some reason, but no problem! She’s chopped garlic, onions, celery and lots of ginger herself, being careful not to touch the garlic so her fingertips won’t stink and be a turn off.

She’s fried it all up and added it to the boiling soup. Must be perfect now.

Ha! I can make soup, too!

 

Uh…Where was I?

Ahhh… daydreaming about tonight’s date. And the Love Game. Mmm.

You talk, you smile, you’re both polite. You look at each other.

Then, look down, fast. In a feminine way.

You have some soup, you smile again, say something interesting. Laugh at his jokes.

The expectation slowly rises. There’s flirting. A little blushing.

He’s cute. He’s sm💗rt. His smile is nice. You touch his arms lightly. There is energy in the air – loads – and he can feel that you like him. His peacock feathers open up. Wide open. You melt.

It takes two to tango.

To tango, to salsa, to samba. To zumba? Definitely to cha-cha-cha.

Well, let’s see what happens.

(Tonight, I promise!!)

© 2017 rf

 

Obs. D-Day and only six hours to wait!

 

 

Chapter 59 – 3D

 

Thursday, 18 February 2016.

 

Day 60

 

Anna is on her way to work – alone – because the teachers who usually carpool with her have a shorter workday today. That gives her a whole hour to reflect, while she drives in the dark, heavy early morning rainstorm.

Hopes and dreams. Needs.

Frustrations and the hurt she’s determined to leave in the past.

Good things to look forward to!

Ah… how I’d love a boyfriend.

I feel young(ish) and pretty. So much affection to give! So much that could be shared. So very much I’d love to receive. And life is for sharing! We are social beings.

And I’m so passionate!!

I’ve been through too much to care for stuff. Materialism, shopping? Despicable. Meaningless bickerings? Wasting life?

And aren’t the best things for free, anyway?

Affection, embraces, kisses, caring, playfulness, chatting, loving, helping others. Smiling. Shedding emotional tears and other goodies.

With an equal.

Attraction, vulnerability, growth.

Interesting dates – fun!

If not hilarious – to say the least.

 

She finds that it’s been good to meet up as quickly as possible after matching on Tinder and enjoying some pleasant interaction.

You see, when you’re just online, you start building up a mental picture of the other person in your head. Maybe you imagine a certain height, weight, voice, appearance and body language.

An imagined person based on words and a few 2D images.

It’s like when you’re reading a novel and deciding for yourself what the characters look like. And, more importantly, how their personality shines.

Then comes the date and… even if you keep an open mind and heart, the longer you’ve imagined the person in a certain way… the more difficult it can be to make the shift from 2D to 3D.

Oh!

Tonight is date #14. With Aarne – the one scheduled three weeks ago, since he lives in Turku. Coming to visit his daughter and excited to meet me – he says.

Hmm. He’s 54.

Finnish.

Uh… I just wonder…

…if I’ll like Christian in person — Anna laughs.

She parks her car and reads the Englishman’s last messages again.

 

4:30   Sorry. Went to bed super early and now I can’t sleep. 😞  Still feeling ‘energised’?? 😊

 

🎼  I’ve got sunshine in a cloudy day… 🎶

 

9:21   Still feeling like that, yes. But at 4 I was fast asleep.

Glad that you wrote any way. 😊  How are you feeling today? Any coughing? Sore throat?

11:31   Morning. Feel much worse today. Cold is finally coming out. Throat feels better though. Nose will be raw by end of today.

Hope you’re having a nice day there.

 

Ah, is he really going to make it with his cold??

 

14:24   Oh, no!! Get well soon. I hope you can stay in bed all day today again. Maybe the salt helped with the throat?

Raw nose? Try lip balm around there a few times per day. Solves the problem. 

Awful weather here. Raining hard. Would be perfect to be under covers with good company and watch a nice movie, drinking hot cocoa…

14:47   Eurgh. Struggling today. Glad I don’t have to be anywhere else. Raining? No!! Bring back the snow. ☃️  I like your ideas for spending a rainy day. 😊

15:00  😊 Maybe Monday?

15:01   OK. Hoping for rain in that case. 😊

  Me, too!

🎼  When it’s cold outside I’ve got the month of May
Well I guess you’d say
What can make me feel this way? 🎶

 

Got hotel booked today. Staying at Radisson Blue Royal hotel until Tuesday.

15:24   Nice place! And walking distance to my flat. About 1 km downhill and you’re at my door. Maybe I could choose a restaurant between the hotel and my place, instead of Vapiano. Maybe Koti Pizza? Since you’re ill… So you won’t need to walk that much. What do you think?

15:41   That sounds like a great plan. 😊 And downhill too! Can I ski there??

Haha. You can try to ski there. I’ll watch. It’ll be funny!

During the week, we could have some wonderful veggie soup at my place. Would be good for your cold, too!

Meeting up at 8 or 8:30?

If you could meet me at hotel around 2015 that would be great. I’m still not that familiar with Helsinki….but improving. This is my 4th trip. 5th in March. 😊

Nice!

Let’s do that. Should be there by then.

If the flight is late – snow storm or something – I’m sure we’ll manage to find some other place open.

Healthy pizza sounds great. And your soup. 😊 Want to try that. I won’t let you starve and hope to take you out a few times.

16:22   So we have ourselves a plan. 😊 Oh, I eat very little nowadays. Can survive with 4-6 eggs and I’m happy.

16:24   You should keep chickens!!

Soup, salads, eggs. Volleyball. Not much more that I need. Except a little loving.

That’s good exercise too. 😊 Miss that.

Blink slowly at me with those dreamy eyelashes of yours… And that voice. Maybe I won’t be able to resist. Not sure. Who knows??

Hmmm. I’m just coming out of a long long relationship. So no hurry.

Christian… Should I maybe tell you something?

I’m not really the wild kind. My values are important to me. Having said that… I’d love to get to know someone slowly. Find a boyfriend. Someone to enjoy life with, respect, spend time with whenever possible. Have my person out there!

I read something that makes sense. Something I’ve experienced in life, and it was totally worth it. Even though it ended… ☹️

 

“I want my eroticism mixed with love. And deep love one does not often experience… You do not know what you are missing by your microscopic examination of sexual activity to the exclusion of aspects which are fuel that ignites it. Intellectual, imaginative, romantic, emotional. This is what gives sex its surprising textures, its subtle transformations, its aphrodisiac elements. You are shrinking your world of sensations. You are withering it, starving it, draining its blood.”  And… “Whenever you do something that is not aligned with the yearning or your soul — you create suffering.”

16:58   I’m quoting Anais Nin. Ever heard of her? Beautiful!

   I’ve had it and hope to again. Someday!

How do you feel about this? Are you looking for something completely different?

You seem to be a nice person. Friend? Boyfriend? Who knows? We have to meet first, spend some time together. Will there be any chemistry? Maybe.

But I like sincerity and I think you do, too. When there’s honesty, people can make informed decisions and be on the same page.

Would love to hear your thoughts. A little now and more later.

17:14   Thought-provoking quotes there. I haven’t seen them before. To start with, friendship is so important for me – hopefully much more, but it takes a lot of time to get to know people.

Somehow, I can sense that you are such a good person!

I had some bad people in my life. It was only recently I decided to cut my ties. There are too many nice people in the world go bother with the bad ones.

I love what you write. So… looking forward to Sunday. Hope you won’t be disappointed. Either way, we’ll have a fun evening. And some good food and laughs.

🎼  Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Ooh yeah 🎶.
.
.
And… You have to teach me ‘Hazel Eyes,’ Love Letter and Ingenious – all the games you told me about. You promised! 😊
.

17:23  You sound wise. Looking forward to Sunday!!

Fingers crossed for rain. 😊 Back in bed.

18:08   Good! You need that!

Can’t wait to feel well again. Btw, is my hotel close to station? I’m catching bus from airport.

The hotel is about 600m uphill from the station.

Ok. Hope I can make it uphill!! 😊 They need a chairlift.

You’re so funny! I wish I could pick you up, but it’s sauna time and the teens are coming over for that and then leaving.

Won’t have much luggage so should be easy. Oh. I would never expect that!!

Don’t want to miss the sauna.

Sauna is the right place for you.

 

🎼  I’ve got so much honey the bees envy me
I’ve got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees 🎶

But I would have loved picking you up. You would have been able to hear me singing in the car from moment zero.

Not necessary at all. But thanks.

18:13   No singing necessary for you then. LOL! 😊  Loved your suggestion of getting myself some chickens!

  unnamed (4) – kopio

18:15   Meant the lift. Please sing away!! 😊

Look at my dinner.

Mmmm. Making me hungry.

I knew that you meant the lift. Was just teasing you a little.

You teasy-joker! 😊

 

Anna sends him another picture of her taking a nap. Under lots of covers.

 

Are you having another power nap?

No. Actually just eating those eggs.

OK. Thought you were multitasking. 😊

Teasing is kind of fun, too. I’m in an energetic mood all the time nowadays! Beware. I might grab you.

I was wondering where you were balancing the eggs. 😊 Grabbing? I like a bit of energy.

(Love how witty you are)! Just a bit? I heard you…

Haha. OK. A lot!!

 

🎼  Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Ooh yeah 🎶

 

So lucky to be on holidays from tomorrow afternoon. 😊 Hiihtoloma – our spring break – meant for skiing in Finland.

18:22   Enjoy! Holidays at last.

I’ve brought home some games for 2 from school. Some of my own, so that we’ll have enough to do in case of bad weather.

Great. 😊

Competitiveness and intelligence are big turn-ons!

18:30   So I have to win. What are the games?

Ha. You want to practice, huh? Ingenious. That’s one of the games. 😊 Ticket to Ride. 6 Nimmt.

I want to do my homework for the teacher.

The rules are in Finnish, so, too bad!

Haha. I see. I will just have to trust your teaching, then.

Are you going to sleep soon? Get your energy back for me.

Yep. Sleeping. But I’m thinking about your hazel eyes.

Sweet dreams… I’m going out soon.

Enjoy. I will be thinking about sauna games, as well.

You do that and try to come up with some cool rules. Talk to you later then, handsome eyes.

Sleep well later.

P.S. Three days!! X

Three days for you and me in 3D. 😊 Finally!

 

🎼  I don’t need no money, fortune, or fame (ooh hey hey hey)
I’ve got all the riches baby one man can claim (oh yes I do) 🎶

 

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 60 – hey, hey, hey! 🎶

(My Girl © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC)

 

 

Chapter 55 – The Interim

 

Tuesday, 16 February 2016.

 

Day 58

 

Anna goes away from Tinder Date #12 feeling restless.

Disappointed.

She’s been too busy and is feeling a little worried about her daughter Kristiina, as well.

Not that she’d been too excited with any of this week’s dates before meeting them. Slow chats, little effort. Just nice enough.

That’s boring!

 

I don’t understand why people even go to the trouble of going on dates with half-efforts.

Nothing we don’t devote ourselves to can become special in our lives.

We learn to love what we serve – in other words, give our best efforts to. Time, energy and affection.

On the other hand, we shouldn’t throw our pearls to pigs…!

We just can’t love what we don’t respect. We don’t appreciate what comes easy. I definitely don’t enjoy half-hearted stuff. Not for me, no.

These half-wits!!

 

Christian puts in lots of effort into our chats. Good manners, a positive attitude, respect. Flirtiness. Like Frederick – except for the flirting.

She’s feeling a little too tired when he finally sends her that smile selfie he’s been promising.

What?! So different from his other pictures. What??

Oh, what if I don’t like him in person?

 

All these last events make her ponder over things and worry a little bit. She appreciates honesty, so here it goes.

16:30   Christian, I’ve been thinking… Can I share a little?

I have a question. Is now a good time to ask?

14:37   Hi there. Yes, of course. What’s on your mind? Can I ring you up?

Oh, maybe soon. I’ve just been thinking that my separation is so recent. Imagine. It happened just last December. Yours was in September? So, maybe you can relate…

Here I am two months later… On Tinder. I’ve been on quite a few dates already, and even though most of the men were nice, I didn’t feel any attraction – except maybe with one. Still, I didn’t want to keep on seeing him.

Most of them asked for second dates, but I just didn’t feel like it. And that has made me wonder whether I’m ready for this or if I still have too much emotional baggage to deal with…

I love chatting with you every day. It’s so nice!

But I’m wondering: since I don’t know if I’m ready for anything more (and we don’t even know whether we’ll have any chemistry in person)…

Are you interested in becoming friends with me if we feel no attraction? You seem to be a great person and I could really use some new friends at this point in my life. And… if nothing else comes out of this, at least we could both gain something precious. No wasted time!

I love having a warm well-mannered person to chat with, like you. The best on Tinder. 😊

 

Anna is being very sincere. At the same time, what she’s not telling him is that based on the previous dates, she knows that some men who seem nice online are so boring in person.

Discouraging, really.

Or then so horribly dressed. Bad teeth!

I am not a superficial person. I make lots of new friends easily and respect every human being. I believe every person was made to be loved and appreciated for who they are. Everyone has their brokenness and their beauty.

Still… that doesn’t mean that I have to accept just anyone into my life, as my boyfriend!

Without chemistry there’s nothingFrederick is right.

 

Hmmm. Who should I give a chance to?? I’m not looking for a perfect guy. My expectations aren’t too high. I don’t care if he’s my age or 10 years older.

I don’t mind if he’s short, like the other women on Tinder seem to do.

I don’t care if he’s overweight – or middle class, like me. He doesn’t even have to be super handsome.

(I’ve read that it can be good for the relationship if the woman is just a little better looking than the guy. That way, the guy feels like he’s scored and the woman feels great, because she always feels pretty in his eyes. He’ll be happy with this. Value her more? I don’t know if that’s true, but it does make sense…)

 

So, what am I looking for??

Well, I certainly know what I do like.

Hmmm.

I like kindness and good manners – I hate constant bad moods.

I like interaction and good communication. Don’t really feel attracted to slow, boring men who won’t chat or talk much. They don’t ask anything – or then they do, but don’t comment on my answers.

Dull!

He doesn’t need to have a PhD, but I need intelligence. Mr. Pedro/Ex was very intelligent. I loved that about him.

Funny, hardworking, a good dad (to his kids). A good enough listener… A guy able to make decisions and take action.

A mature man. Playful, too. The man in the relationship.

Affectionate. Oh, very, very affectionate. That’s what I dream of the most.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Oh, gosh, does he even exist? My cousin Caleb and my brother Moses are like that. My father, too. Some of my friends, as well.

But is there someone out there for me…?

 

Am I too demanding? Do I have to lower my expectations?

Hmm. Most men my age are married. 90%. Minimum.

And the other 10% includes the lazy ones, the crazy ones, the smelly ones. The half-wits.

 

OK, maybe I could give up some of my expectations. 😯

But, but, I’m talking about who to bring into my intimate life! Not just about who to become friends with.

Into my life, my home, my heart, my body, my history, my dreams.

My present and my future.

And vice versa. Into his – value him and his.

Sigh.

 

I definitely have to do some research on the topic this week.

 

Anna, thanks for opening your heart to me. I have loved chatting with you, as well. I can see you’re a kind person, and so beautiful!

Everyone has baggage. I do, too. We’re all flawed, but we won’t know about the chemistry if we don’t meet in person. No pressure, though.

I’m interested in friendship, as well. Hopefully more. Life is good but gets lonely, like I said before. I’m coming to Helsinki just to meet you. If you’ll have me.

Work? I can work from my computer, from anywhere. You are the reason I’ll be flying there.

 

Wow, what a man.

At least this cool friendship. Fingers crossed for more. 🤞🤞🤞 I hope he’s as lovablelicious as I imagine.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 58 and five to go?

 

 

Chapter 47 – Extemporaneous Tinder Date #10

 

Friday, 12 February 2016.

 

Day 54

 

Diary of Mine,

 

Today has been a good day. 🙂

Just coming home from our Youth Group (my way to contribute).

I started these youth evenings twice a month a year ago, as a way for Kristiina and Joey and other young people to make new friends and have some Friday fun in a safe environment. We play board games, talk, have a snack, play hide-and-seek in the dark and anything else we can come up with.

 

It’s not easy to be leading the youth group at the moment (separation and all), but I told the pastor I’ll give it a try. The young people appreciate it so much and my teens have made some nice friends. And they seem to have no one else yet who could do it instead…

Last time, I had to tell the group about my separation, as they know Mr. Pedro Ex (he used to help me with these gatherings sometimes). So I spoke about forgiveness and determination and the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

Kate, one of the oldest teenagers there, was very touched. She came to hug me and say, “Anna, you are always so inspiring. Thank you very much for your words.”

I think she is inspiring. What a great person and talented artist Kate is. Some people just know how to shine their light. 😊

 

This time father was our special guest. He held a short devotional – and tried to turn us into an instantaneous choir (dad is so cool)! We weren’t that successful with the singing, but ended up having great laughs.

Tonight’s theme was seeing the good in others and letting them know it. I repeated a “building up your self-confidence” dynamic I sometimes have with my pupils at school. Will tell you more later.

 

Today has been a very good day – yeah.

Sunny. I looked cute – better yet, I felt beautiful! And we all know how fantastic that feels for a woman. 😁

 

As for random updates:

Remember Frederick, Tinder Englishman #1? I think we’re becoming friends. We chat on Messenger and have started ringing each other sometimes, too. Nice guy. Wise. He‘s a good listener, but also knows how to share. He tells me his thoughts and general feelings concerning his recent separation – still feeling pretty angry at his ex – childcare, immediate goals and such.

His voice is manly and pleasant, but we haven’t flirted at all. Not even once. He lives in Reading – England, and since neither of us is planning on meeting in person any time soon, virtual friendship is the option.

I think what we have feels like some needed encouragement – comparable with divorce therapy groups? Appreciated and retributed.

 

With Christian, Tinder Englishman #2, it’s been intriguing to say the least – very curious to meet him soon. Chatting daily from Good Morning to Good Night…

I love that!

It inpires the artist in me. Triggers good feelings with dopamine.

 

This is a new life phase and I won’t complain about the attention I’m receiving from some interesting men. Won’t complain too much! 😊 Sooner or later I’ll find him. I just know it. ❤️ ‍No hurry.

I do have some dates set up for this Sunday to Friday. 😅 Guys who had been interesting enough and eager to meet up…

…I booked them in a long time ago – one at a time – for this coming week, since the teens will be going back to their dad’s place. My only chance!

My project at the moment. When I decide something, I go for it. Is that good or bad, obstinate me?

 

However… today I broke one of my own rules. Had a shorter day at school and went on a coffee date straight from work. Number 10.

Yes, I know I wasn’t going to meet anyone when the teens are home with me, but this guy insisted the whole week!

I caved in.

So busy, sorry! 🙁

Kids at my place this week, other dates next week… But all right.

If you’ll come to IKEA in a couple of hours – it’s on my way home – I can meet you for a coffee straight from work. Would that be OK?  🙂

How it went?

Oh, extemporaneously…

Cute foreigner. Muslim. Pianist – very artistic, very cultural. We had a long chat and he smiled a lot, looking appreciatively into my eyes.

But, was Tom right about perfume…! 😷 😟

Seriously, Soner’s perfume was sooooo strong, and to his misfortune, I really, really disliked the scent. Made it very hard to relax and concentrate on the other aspects of the date.

Soner asked to meet again soon, but I told him I really didn’t feel the chemistry.

Smelled it? 😂

Eurgh. All the best to him!

Fingers crossed for me.

 

Diary, diary! I like meeting new people – nothing against that – but more and more, what I really desire is finding a boyfriend worth my time.

 

Anyways, today has been a great day.

My workouts have been working. Finally!

I’m back to jogging two-three times a week (usually 3-6km). I think it’s such a perfect workout because it takes 20-30 minutes, but feels great and gives nice results.

Going to the gym, playing volleyball, lots of brisk walks. And on top of that, I just go by bike everywhere I need to. Even well dressed and in high heels. LOL. I haven’t had a public transportation card since I moved back to Helsinki three years ago.

OK, if it’s raining reeaaally hard, I’ll take the tram. Otherwise, steps it is.

 

Healthy foods, good thoughts, support from my parents. Determination.

Life’s to be lived happily now. I’ve just had enough hard times.

 

Aaahhh, best of all, I’ve gotta tell you this –> even my hair has been looking exactly the way I like it. 😁 😁

That’s no small feat, you know. Mom and sis tease me about it all the time. They say I’m never happy with my hairdressers or my hair.

Is it my fault that I’m usually very unlucky with the results??? Mom and sis seem to think I’m fussy about it. Very funny. 😑

The tenure position I fought so much for is something else I’m grateful for. A flat I love, a semi-broken loving heart under repair, quality time with daughter and son.

Joy.

Don’t you just love Fridays, Anna?

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 54 of life comes in waves, good days, bad days. Good years, bad years? It’s all part of the journey. Just enjoy it.

 

 

Chapter 27 – Make You Feel

What to wear? After Tinder Date 7, I feel I need to mentor guys a little.

“Hey, casual but nice. I think that men look so gorgeous in smart shirts! What do you say?”

 

Wednesday, 3 February 2016.

 

Day 45

 

Diary Dear,

Hope you’ve been having a nice day. Have you…?

Me? Thanks for asking. 🙂

Ah, I’ve been thinking…

 

Have you realized how we tend to show different sides of our personality to different people?

Some folks trigger our sense of adventure. Others bring about our empathetic and caring sides.

Or our rage, for that matter (as if I knew anything about that! 😅).

 

With some martians you may feel like you talk too much and – uh-oh – just suck at listening. (I absolutely hate the feeling)… With others it’s infinitely better – there’s great balance in the interaction, a 60-40% split. 😄

Some mortals have the natural ability to calm you down, maybe even make you experience a wonderful sense of abundant satisfaction. Contentment, pure and simple.

Sigh.

Isn’t it so? Really.

There are adoring guys out there that make one feel happier, pretty and valuable. Visible! While other people perhaps treat you like a bit of an outsider. Stupid? Miserable? Nervous. They make you feel like you are even a little boring?

Fat!! Gosh. Please, not fat!!

That’s why I prefer taller, chubbier guys. I feel slim and… They’re so cute! Snugly 🐼😍!

 

With Mr. Ex I always felt fat. 😕 Unaccepted.

He was too fit for me, as well – the guy didn’t go through one single fat day is his life. Can you believe his luck?

Unfair!

Anyway, my point is…

We tend to like the people that help us feel good about ourselves. The ones who bring out our best sides. Our favorite qualities. Especially human beings who just make us feel loved for who we are.

People there for us through the thick and thin. Challenging us and helping us grow as a human bean (like Kristiina likes to joke). Those immortals are irreplaceable.

I have always been lucky to have friends like that. Thank God.

 

Hey, I need to tell you… Something’s up!

Yesterday, Riku wrote in light our date tomorrow. Remember the Norwegian god? I told him, “Well, finally! You haven’t been chatting with me at all!!”

“Anna, I feel there’s some important information I need to disclose before we meet up. I don’t know how you’ll feel about this, but I just need to tell you that I am blind of an eye.”

Oh, poor guy! That’s sad. 🙁

“And it has affected my appearance. The aesthetics of my face. Will you mind much? If you want to cancel the date, I’ll understand.”

Gosh, no!

“But I do wear an eye patch.”

“Oh, sorry to hear about your condition, Riku. I hope it doesn’t hurt… Of course I’m coming to the date.

“I’m not a superficial person… and I’m not perfect either. Who is?”

(I tell him about the big scar that I have in my abdomen).

 

“Riku, what will matter to me is our chemistry. Will we have any? You don’t write much. Is there a special reason for that or are you a very calm type?”

He tells me he’s wasted way too much time chatting with women he never got around to meeting in the end, so he’s got no more energy for that. But yes, he discloses again, he’s the very peaceful, very calm type.

“Hmm. That could be a problem… You see? I am very energetic and like lively conversations and interaction.”

He assures me it’s just the written chats that he doesn’t like.

“OK, then. Let’s meet tomorrow and see what kind of chemistry we feel around each other. You look handsome, I’m sure. Your pics are great!”

Now I understand why his artistic photos only showed half of his face…

 

And then we just discuss the basics.

What time? He asks to meet at 16:30. Only half an hour after I get home from work – ops!

Where? Well, since I’ll be in a huge hurry to get pretty, I ask him to come to the Nepalese restaurant in my neighborhood.

What to wear? After Tinder Date 7, I feel I need to mentor guys a little.

“Hey, casual but nice. I think men look so gorgeous in smart shirts 😍! What do you say?”

 

So, Diary Dear… I’ll let you know, I promise. My curiosity sure is ignited.

Let’s see.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 45 since moving out.

 

Chapter 21 – Anniversary

I’ve admitted it, there you go.

It’s very hard to please me with good gifts because what I want is actually the hard stuff: I want you to really care and to show that both in words and action.

 

Tuesday, 21 February 2017.

 

Day – Does it Matter? Love stops time.

 

It’s our one-year anniversary and he’s promised to call a little later.

Anna is looking out the window of the cottage she adores so much. The sun appeared from behind the heavy clouds just now, as if to celebrate their special occasion. Its rays are resting over the cleanest of snows. And when you live in Finland, you value each second of sunshine, isn’t it true?

 

Some friends were here with Anna over the weekend, but had to go back to work in Helsinki. Spring break from school, 9 days off for ‘hiihtoloma’.

Since we can’t be together today, that’s how I’ve planned it: I want to be alone!

Alone. To feel. To reflect. She needs to reminisce, in order to continue writing the book she’s recently begun.


 

Omar and Anna chatted on Messenger earlier. He’s been reviewing her first drafts and has some constructive criticism.

“Anna, there in Chapter 2 where you say you like practical gifts. I’m not quite buying it. Nobody’s that pragmatic. Come on!

“Gifts make one feel seen… It’s about feeling valued and important to others at the end of the day. But OK, the socks are nice. Romantic.

“Amiga, why don’t you take advantage of the fact that you’re anonymous? Be fully honest with yourself, tell the reader everything. You’re an Alias, it’s a diary. It’s safe to pour your heart out. And we’re curious.” 🙂

 

The next few days are going to be her first holidays alone. Ever. Anna had been afraid to be here like this, in such secluded surroundings. The jet-black darkness of night. Well, she’s been locking all doors, even though you don’t really need to do that in the middle of the forest in Finland.

Mostly, she had been afraid of feeling lonely out here without him – every corner of the place bursting with memories.

So far so good.

Always face your fears! Don’t run away from them. And… solitude and loneliness are different things.

This is solitude.

And what a wondrous place this is.


 

Back to work then, Chapter 2, where did it end?

Ah, here it is… Eggs, Light Coke, Diesel, Lindt. She is reading over her Ray Ban glasses.

Socks. Yes!! Socks… Someday I’ll share my life closely with somebody again (but it will have to be someone as special as me), and we’ll give each other good socks for every birthday and every Christmas. One pair each. And sometimes on a normal day too, just to be romantic. ❤️‍😍”

I’m changing the verb tense. There. This sounds better: “And we’re wearing them all.”


 

My, how could I be any clearer? Hope Mr. One takes the hint. Hmm. Mmm.

OK Anna, challenge of the day: be honest with yourself. Think of this whole situation. The whole mess. Dreams, frustrations, the longing. Everything you and he shared in a year.

She leans back on the couch and is suddenly in far-away-heartland. For a long time. When she comes back to here and now, Anna is ready to type away:

 

Dearest Diary,

P.S.

Remember when I wrote about what I think of gifts (29 December 2015)?

🤐 

OK, I’ll give you the whoooole truth.
Honestly? 😬😁

I want you to give me socks and a wild flower, a jar with stones from a beach we visit, a little note, or a snowball on my head. A drawing and a napkin.

I want hugs for no reason. Lots of them. Firm – like you want to grab me. (Just saying, Finnish guys out there, learn! Fica a dica).

And hot kisses – touches.

 

At this point, Anna is sobbing noisily. She looks funny and can barely see the laptop screen as she pours her soul onto the keyboard. But OK, OK, keep tryping –  cryping  – Oh, typos! Dry your tears, Anna. Here we go: t – y – p – i – n – g. There. Typing.

 

A handwritten card with words that you really mean. Chemistry – gosh, that goes without saying.

Take me to KFC, my favorite junk food joint. And always wear a nice shirt for our dates if  you want me weak at the knees.

I want eyes caressing my body and trying to pierce my very soul, while music whose lyrics you want me to hear is playing in the background. A romantic get-away in nature. Like here. With frequent little favors.

I am a strong and capable woman, but I want to feel my fragile and feminine side when I’m with you.

I wish you to want to play board games and… Don’t let me win! Invite me to dance, even if we suck. Let’s play a little volleyball together at the beach, just to make me as excited as a child – up for it?

Send me pictures of anything that belongs to your normal life. Selfies, please?

🎼 Detalhes tão pequenos de nós dois…
Oh, do think about me and miss me, too.

I want you to listen to me while I read you something deep; to watch movies and series together, asking why I’m crying as we eat creative ice cream mixes I’ve come up with. Skin on skin.

Tell me when I’m wrong – you can tease me a little. I even miss someone to fight with. God! Can you believe it?

My patience is real, but don’t let it fool you: I am very demanding. Let’s expect nothing but the best we can give each other at any given point and time.

 

Ah. I want you to try to write me poetry, the result being really bad (but you presenting it to me anyway). What really matters are your intentions, the emotions shared, your honest attempt.

Tell a good friend about me? Small surprises. Yes. A surprise visit. Why don’t you? Call me from the airport.😏

I desire your confusion, your excitement, a little fear of loss.

Long, brisk walks and talks. For you to tell me what you are really thinking. What are you going through, my love? Your doubts, your dreams, your longings, your hurt, your fears. Even your BS, any addictions? Give me your tears.

Give me your jokes, your smiles. Make me laugh. What do you yearn for, what makes you excited, what can I do to make your world stop for a moment in time? Not all the time.

Scarcity and distance inflate desire, so there’s a limit – let’s not go clingy.

Above all, I desire your true self and the spontaneity of your being. Don’t do everything I want. Of course not. And it’s not about me. Not everything. I’m just a part.

Experience special moments with me, will you darling? Another first. And tell me good things, from time to time? 🐦

I’ll gladly take your little efforts sometimes.

Give me affection and attention in a variety of small ways. Make it count. Send me lots of emojis with your messages? Don’t be sparing.

🦅

At this point in the text, my reader, please leave your answer in the comment section on your left. Are you thinking:

(a) Eurgh, all this girly mushy talk.

(b) I can totally relate.

(c) Yes, and I can add my own dreams to the list! Maybe write one of my own?

 

As the author, perhaps I’m leaning towards, hm, female readers will relate… And male readers are almost asleep?

Well, what if I tell you the aforementioned is all based in real life events? It really happened guys. I just miss it. Every day I do.

My son hates it when I say women are more emotional than men. OK. Maybe it’s not about gender, but about your personality. Are you a hopeless romantic, too? I’d love to know. But some opposites attract…

Alright. I’ll just wrap it up now.

🦉

 

Let’s choose each other.

I’m challenging you. Solve your problems! And be aware that I’m independent – I won’t need you to survive…

…No!

Just to be much, much happier than I already am. And life more beautiful. Meaningful. Really full.

I know what long-suffering is – I can take it. I’m tough. I need to focus on my life too right now. But then someday…

…Someday when I’m ready, I’ll want your best for me. Just like I want to give you mine. We have the know-how.  It was great. We’ve tried it.

There’s a time for everything under the sun, but life is for living, not just for sacrificing. YOLO. One life, don’t forget.

There’s an impending time for turning tables. For being happy and having someone to share that with. For daring to dream and to pursue your goals.

 

Many things are not under our control, but we should do our foremost about the things that are. Expect and accept. And hope for the best.

I’m fine alone, but if you turn out to be the One, you’ll have the power to make it all a hell of a ride better, you see?

So.

I’ve admitted it, there you go.

It’s very hard to please me with good gifts because what I want is actually the hard stuff: I want you to really care and to show that you do, both in words and in action. Looking into my eyes.

I like your vulnerable and your self-confident sides equally. So, I’m asking for the sincerity of your heart, your truth, the abundant affection, the generous spirit, the earnest loyalty and the courage it will take you to find yourself, be your deepest self and live it all out.

With me, who else?

Forget the price tag.

 

And the phone starts ringing.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 428 – but love does stop time!