Chapter 28 – In the Forest

 

Tuesday, 10 October 2017.

 

Her work trip is long – an hour and twenty minutes from home to the second school where she teaches twice a week. Anna’s driving there now and wonderful English choir music is playing in her Kia Rio.

These drives are often special. When she doesn’t use the time for listening to Ted Talks or chatting with friends and relatives over the phone, she gets to meditate.

Reflect. Revisit her inner world and check how she really feels about things. Not just logically speaking, but more importantly, in her gut.

Heart. Soul.

A couple of deer have just crossed the road before her. Dangerous. But oh, so beautiful!

Her mind is empty for a change, and she’s just sucking in the majesty of the Finnish countryside nature.

 

Beauty – ah! What is beauty?

These wheat fields are it. Oh. Such colors! Now I understand Van Gogh.

 

Rain is falling gently from the grey clouds onto the slippery, curvy, hilly roads ahead, as the Chelmsford Citadel Songsters harmonize with each other. The trees all around her are shedding what they’ll have no use for in the coming seasons.

Gracefully, nonetheless.

Their yellow leafs dance their way down, blowing in the wind as they fall to the ground. To match the scenery, thankful tears of deep emotion escape Anna’s eyes.

Shamelessly.

Lots of people I love are going through so much. Both the good and the bad. And all those dates I had last year. Real human encounters some of them. And then love. I’m going through rain in my soul, now. 

But behind those clouds, the sun is shining strong and it will conquer again.

She inhales deeply.

 

Nature is so amazing! And what about people? What makes a person beautiful? What makes a guy handsome in my eyes?

I know.

Very well.

She arrives at the school parking lot, stays in her car and quickly scribbles some thoughts on a leaflet. She’ll keep on working on the poem during her lunch break.

🍂 🌾

 

I’ve been wondering. What is beauty? Hmm, who is handsome??

 

I think beauty’s a sad countenance

With a hurt heart that’s healing.

A brave heart – succumbed –

That keeps resilient,

Like a little bird must in a cold, cold storm.

 

Beauty is…

…both generosity and self-confidence.

…self-esteem, a good posture.

And your smile.

Yes, yours. Who else’s, precious one?

 

Your weight, your height.

Being you. Your wrinkles.

Trying to become a better version of yourself (with help),

While being comfortable in…

Your own skin.

 

A fearless soul

Marching to battle,

Though so fearful in sacrifice, maturity.

A scarred soldier who conquers:

Beautiful is he.

 

Beauty’s…

Intelligence.

Producing and loving. Youthful vigor.

Experience. Old age.

A life. YOLO. R.I.P.

 

Acceptance is graceful – weaknesses and all.

Loving yourself in a healthy way

To then really, really love others:

Your neighbor, your soul mate,

Your father? Your friends.

 

Oh, beauty is a trusting spirit

– Like that of an innocent child.

Gentleness, uncorrupted sweetness, and kindness, delight.

 

It’s to be proud of your achievements, talents.

Yet humble at heart.

 

It’s certainty, uncertainty.

Genuine you are.

 

In service. Purity.

Determination, vulnerability,

Respect, authenticity.

Do shine your light!

 

Forgiveness.

Wholeness.

Your brokenness, too.

Gratitude. A joyful being!

Deciding to live in truth.

 

Your amazing body and that sparkle in your eyes –

Beauty is the whole package, you see? Cutie pie.

 

When you can be bothered

You’re so handsome, making lots of little efforts

Both in action and in words,

You hardworking, fun,

Affectionate Guy.

 

Beauty’s…

A person walking in the forest

In solitude.

If accompanied – oh!

They’ll soar, they’ll fly.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is!

Tudo é belo ao que ama…

 

It’s solving your problems and

Finding your purpose.

That, beauty is…

Most definitely.

Indeed.

🍂

 

She’ll read her poem aloud to some. She’ll send it to ten-fifteen loved ones she finds beautiful. Who inspire her. Including him.

© 2017 rf

Vincent_van_Gogh_-_Wheatfield_with_crows_-_Google_Art_Project – kopio

Wheatfield with Crows, 1890. Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

 

 

Obs. About a year and eleven months since moving out. 

 

 

 

Chapter 27 – Make You Feel

What to wear? After Tinder Date 7, I feel I need to mentor guys a little.

“Hey, casual but nice. I think that men look so gorgeous in smart shirts! What do you say?”

 

Wednesday, 3 February 2016.

 

Day 45

 

Diary Dear,

Hope you’ve been having a nice day. Have you…?

Me? Thanks for asking. 🙂

Ah, I’ve been thinking…

 

Have you realized how we tend to show different sides of our personality to different people?

Some folks trigger our sense of adventure. Others bring about our empathetic and caring sides.

Or our rage, for that matter (as if I knew anything about that! 😅).

 

With some martians you may feel like you talk too much and – uh-oh – just suck at listening. (I hate the feeling)… With others it’s infinitely better – there’s great balance in the interaction, a 60-40% split.

Some mortals have the natural ability to calm you down, maybe even make you experience a wonderful sense of abundant satisfaction. Contentment, pure and simple.

Sigh.

Isn’t it so?

There are adoring guys out there that make one feel happier, pretty and valuable. Visible! While other people perhaps treat you like a bit of an outsider. Stupid? Miserable? Nervous? They make you feel like you are a little bit boring?

Fat!! Gosh. Please, not fat!!

That’s why I prefer taller, chubbier guys. I feel slimmer and… They’re so cute! Snugly 🐼😍!

 

With Mr. Ex I always felt fat. 😕 Unaccepted.

He was too fit for me – and the guy didn’t go through one single fat day is his life. Lucky bastard.

Unfair!

Anyway…

We tend to like the people that help us feel good about ourselves. The ones who bring out our best sides. Our favorite qualities. Especially human beings who just make us feel loved and accepted for who we are.

People there for us through the thick and thin. Challenging us and helping us grow as a human bean (like Kristiina likes to joke). Those immortals are irreplaceable.

I have always been lucky to have friends like that. Thank God.

 

Hey, I need to tell you… Something’s up!

Yesterday, Riku wrote in light our date tomorrow. Remember the Norwegian god? I told him, “Well, finally! You haven’t been chatting with me at all!!”

“Anna, I feel there’s some important information I need to disclose before we meet up. I don’t know how you’ll feel about this, but I just need to tell you that I am blind of an eye.”

Oh, poor guy! That’s sad. 🙁

“And it has affected my appearance. The aesthetics of my face. Will you mind much? If you want to cancel the date, I’ll understand.”

Gosh, no!

“But I do wear an eye patch.”

“Oh, sorry to hear about your condition, Riku. I hope it doesn’t hurt… Of course I’m coming to the date. I’m not a superficial person… and I’m not perfect either. Who is?”

(I tell him about the big scar that I have in my abdomen).

 

“Riku, what will matter to me is our chemistry. Will we have any? You don’t write much. Is there a special reason for that or are you a very calm type?”

He tells me he’s wasted way too much time chatting with women he never got around to meeting in the end, so he’s got no more energy for that. But yes, he discloses again, he’s the very peaceful, very calm type.

“Hmm. That could be a problem… You see? I am very energetic and like lively conversations and interaction.”

He assures me it’s just the written chats that he doesn’t like.

“OK, then. Let’s meet tomorrow and see what kind of chemistry we feel around each other. You look handsome, I’m sure. Your pics are great!”

Now I understand why his artistic photos only showed half of his face…

 

And then we just discuss the basics.

What time? He asks to meet at 16:30. Only half an hour after I get home from work – ops!

Where? Well, since I’ll be in a huge hurry to get pretty, I ask him to come to the Nepalese restaurant in my neighborhood.

What to wear? After Tinder Date 7, I feel I need to mentor guys a little.

“Hey Riku, I’d say casual but nice. I think men look so gorgeous in smart shirts 😍! What do you say?”

 

So, Diary Dear… I’ll let you know how it goes, I promise. My curiosity sure is ignited.

Let’s see.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 45 since moving out.