Chapter 60 – Coffee or Soup?

This blog is a book. Maybe better to read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Thursday, 18 February 2016.

 

Day 60

 

Annitcha knows what she wants (new friends and eventually passion, romance, a fun relationship – please, please?)…

She thinks she knows what she’s doing… So, why not?

What we have here is a very project-oriented kind of person (a little obstinate, too). And such a  r🙂mantic – my, oh my.

When Anna is determined, she usually goes for it. Logic, emotions, body, heart and soul.

 

But, oh! Too many dinner dates equals too much food and getting fat.

No!!!

Not to mention the extra expenses in a short period of time.

 

She’s been out fifteen times in the last three weeks. It has been kind of fun – it has certainly been interesting.

Gosh, thank God for my system!!

 

Anna realizes three things early on in this story:

(1) She likes it when the men are gentlemen.

(2) But… she doesn’t want to take advantage of anyone.

(3) And… she doesn’t want to gain weight! Or spend too much.

 

What to do, what to do??

 

She goes on her first few dates, learns from a few mistakes and that’s when she comes up with The (aforementioned) System:

➡️  If they’re going out on a coffee date, she’ll just have a cup of coffee or tea. (Tea if she thinks she might want to kiss him – and he’s also having tea).

➡️  If it’s a dinner date instead, she’ll just have a soup or a salad.

So far, she’s watched and waited for many men to finish eating full courses.

Oh well… it does give me a chance to observe them and to come up with interesting topics to talk about.

 

Results wrap-up:

She hasn’t gained weight.

She can afford the dates.

Most guys have insisted on treating her.

No luck in finding Him yet.

Dating experience gained and all her fingers crossed.

 

What if I realize from moment zero that I don’t like the guy?

Hmm, maybe… 

…I should have just a glass of tap water.

© 2017 rf

 

 

 

Obs. Day 60 of looking to score a b♥️yfriend (not a free meal)!

 

 

Chapter 46 – Those Little Butterflies

 

Thursday, 11 February 2016.

 

Day 53

 

9:47   Good morning! Hope you slept well and completed your project. Don’t forget, I need to check your work. 😊

Struggling to get up today. It’s cold here.

 

Anna looks forward to receiving Christian’s messages every the morning – the Englishman with the upgraded Hugh Grant’s voice.

Somehow, he always makes her feel good. That is, since they matched on Day 36.

Very good. In comparison to all hundreds of other chatters.

Now that I think of it, I think he’s the person I’ve been chatting with the most, so far. Almost twenty days!

So much for my own rules. Typical me. 🤗

Christian’s so interactive with his messages. Always comments and always asks. Shows undying interest.

Learn Finns. Learn!!! And everybody’d win…

 

Ahhh – I can’t believe we are really going to meet soon.

But will I like him?? What if he turns out to be a weirdo in person??? Another nutjob.

I’ll just have to find out.

In that case, he’ll just be an extra story to tell my friends. I can live with that.

Smelly? Hmm. Too slim? Badly dressed. Annoying? All his teeth missing. I’d better ask for a smile selfie! Yes. That’s what I’ll do.

He says he doesn’t smoke…

1,82m. What does a long-armed embrace feel like, I wonder…?

Is he a good kisser, you think? His lips are awfully thin. Even for a man. But he looks soooo friendly and cute in his South Africa pic. Dreamy.

11 days.

He’s my only exception — she smiles at the thought and I’m growing really fond of our chats.

 

10:11   Morning. 😊  Today I waited to hear from you first – but I knew you’d write. I’m not sure if a pic of my work would make any sense. I think you have to see it in person to understand. 😉

Cold there? Brrrr.

The heating system is very good in Finland – not like you suffering over there. My flat was so warm yesterday night that I had to shed more and more of my clothes. When I realized it, I’d been sewing in my underwear for an hour. Haha!

10:12   Hahaha! And that’s why you didn’t take a picture! In case I’d catch you in your undies! 😊 That’s funny.

Still cold here so staying under duvet for a little longer. Now I have a nice mental picture to warm me up. 😊

Yep. Count on me to be unsystematic. Unorthodox, hard-working, out-of-the-box. Clumsy! Yet efficient. 😊

Cute and hot, too. Or so I’ve been told. Haha.

10:13   Send some of that heat over here please, your clumsy-yet-efficientness. Hope you were careful with the needle!! 😊

 

He’s a darling. At least virtually…!

I’m curious about this guy.

Hmm. We shall see.

 

Carinhoso – that will be your new nickname! 😊

What does it mean again? I think google didn’t explain it to me well enough.

Happy you get to stay in bed. I wish. Feeling tired here and there’s a long day ahead. Have to find time for a power nap today.

Oh! It means affectionate one (a caring loving person/someone who likes caressing and touching). It makes more sense in Portuguese, as it has a wider meaning.

(I spent some years near the border between Brazil and Uruguay, so I speak both Spanish and Portuguese……. And many other languages! 😊)

You language computer!! 😊😊 For me, only English and German. And a little bit of Spanish. Studied French, but can’t remember it that well.

Not bad! Hats off.

Ah yeah: friends, relatives, workmates and especially lovers can be referred to as carinhoso – if they are, of course. 😊

I have a feeling that you are…

Ops. Gotta go teach some more now.

In case we don’t chat anymore today, have a wonderful day!

10:32   You too! Thanks for the nickname. 😊  I hear the snow is back. Well… a little.

 

A little later, Anna sends him a picture of the lovely wintry countryside view from her classroom window.

11:38   Looks lovely! Must be very peaceful. Are you under the teacher’s desk taking those coffee power naps you like so much?? 😊

13:47   Oh, had no time for that today. 😦 🙂

So, lots of work there?
Looking forward to the 21st and to enjoying our cool friendship in person…
So nice to be on my way home already. Shorter day today.

14:02   Hey there. On my way to Berlin for a work meeting at the moment. And then the doctor’s. 

Looking forward to seeing you very soon. 😊 Glad you have a short day at work.

Cool friendship? I like that. 😊

14.29   Maybe more…… It takes two to tango, right?
Who knows if we’ll like each other in person? 😊
At least this cool friendship.

 

He asks if he can call. She says yes. The phone rings and the chat is warm and… ahhh, wonderful.

What a nice man.

I wonder if…

And those little butterflies in Anna’s stomach have slowly but surely started to flap their tiny wings. Should she be careful? Protect her heart? Be smart…

Yes.

Eurgh. But I’m dying for some carinho here.

From a guy who earns it first.

 

14.59   Always so fun to talk to you, sweet guy! Take care. Loving your voice. Maybe you could send a recording for me to listen to before falling asleep every night. 💤🔥 Please?

15:01   Hahaha. You sure?

15:02   Yes. I’ll be happy if you do.

I can’t promise. But I’ll see what I can do.

15:03   I’m being tortured here.

In a good way?

Not so good. But… 🎶  🇺🇾 + 🇬🇧 = 🇫🇮 💓.

😊 What’s that first one? Music?

 And in eleven days: 🇩🇪 🛫 🇫🇮 🛬 🍝 🍽️🍷 🍽️.

Haha Love it.

Maybe after that 🏠 🔑 🎬 ☕ 🍓  💏 🎶🔥 ?

Someday 🛫 🇪🇸 🏖️? We shall see…!

OK. Not bad. Wow. I have some ideas.

15:12   Good to have ideas. Send me your own charade charming man?

That made my phone crash!! Must have over-heated.

Overheating is good, right? For a fire guy!

15.14   Absolutely!! Need more fire in my life.

Who doesn’t. 😞😕

15:30   You should be power napping.

I’m in the doctor’s waiting room now. But I’m good with needles. As are you! Tattoos and sewing. Piercings?

Hahaha. Let’s keep some of the mystery.

 

Anna wakes up feeling extra excited. She’s going out now with her daughter Kristiina to pick up the prom dress and have a chick-chat-snack.

 

21:20   How’s your evening going?

21:40   I got home a little earlier. Berlin is tiring. I love it, anyways. Lived there for 10 years but won’t live there again. Great to visit.

How are you all doing there?

But for tourism with no hurry, must be lovely, surely?

Good to know oneself. What you want and don’t want. It makes decision-making  easier.

We’re fine here. Kristiina and Joey entertained and happy.

21:44   Because you are entertaining! I bet they love being back with you.

Yes, about knowing ourselves… Comes with age I guess.

Not that I’m old!!!

21:45   Thanks. They like the home I was able to make for them. Home is where the heart is…

You’re not old! Perhaps even a little young for me. 😊

 

Ex/Pedro is two years older than me, but always looked ten years younger than his own age. Acted that way, too! Superior.

More fit. Made me feel that maybe I’d earn his love if I lost 10kg. Just maybe!

For the first ten years of marriage, he’d look irritably at Anna whenever she had a small piece of cake at parties. Not even party desserts were allowed. From the first honeymoon breakfast onwards.

Eurgh. Now I want someone as different as possible. In every way. And I don’t really trust Brazilian Don Juans right now. They may be exciting, but… Always gaping at any moving lady targets.

 

Talking about knowing yourself, I was reading a newsletter article about ‘Dating Again’, and it kind of had three tips.

21:48   Beware the Englishman?? 😊  Half-English. 😊

(1) Not loving yourself… (the need to forget the past, blah blah)

Actually, it was about the three mistakes people make when going back to the dating world.

What’s the second? And third.

Hahaha! I may not want to beware of him 😊. But, let’s see if he’ll deserve me.

Just teasing you.

I’m actually counting the days to meet this potentially wonderful man.

Numbers 2 and 3 you can read for yourself – it drew my attention because of all the (respectable) Tinder dates I’ve been having.

 

tips

 

21:52  I agree. Very true.

Yeah… Good advice.
Just wanted to let you know that at least online you seem to have many very agreeable traits that I like. I’m already grateful to be exploring this. So thank you from my heart! 😊

   And Happy Valentine’s Day – which in Finland is called Friend’s Day!

Hyvää ystävän päivää.

21:57   That’s very kind. And thank you! Happy Friends’ Day to you too! 😊 X

It is going to be my first Valentine as a single woman – since the age of 17.
I’m going out with my son and I’m sure it’s going to be fun!
What are your plans?

22:00   Wow. Did you usually celebrate? I normally do. Had a girlfriend once who said she couldn’t be bothered but I always made an effort as I didn’t believe her. Thought it was a test. It wasn’t until years later I realized she really meant it!

No plans.

My ex wasn’t romantic.
90% of the dates we ever had in the last 15 years or so I had to plan and execute myself. That’s how it felt and how I remember it, any way.
Very unmotivating.

I love love.

22:03   I love any reason to hug, kiss, fire up, express appreciation, chat, look eye in the eye, laugh and just be very, very happy.
  What about you?
I love sex too.

Which I think was clear front the fire up. 😊

Did you use to make the effort just for her or do you enjoy those things as well?

22:17   I think it’s fun and just a nice thing to do. Probably different for a guy. We have different emotions. But I like your description of romantic. 😊

22.19  👍

Didn’t make an effort because it was expected. I enjoy those things too.

All of them.

Perfect. 😊

 

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 53 of little flapping wings.

 

 

Chapter 37 – Why I Am Doing This

 

Sunday, 7 February 2016.

 

Day 49

 

Dear Diary,

Today has been a time for some reflection, and now in the evening I feel I want to scribble down some thoughts.

Turning 40 recently… the separation… our new flat… are the teens going to be OK?

Tinder! Eight dates, elation, fun, tears, joy, peace, a little sadness, too. Prayer. Separation sure creates a merry-go-round of varying emotions.

Mixed feelings. But tbh, negative ones have been rare since November. Believe me if you will.

More often than not, I’ve been so content since I moved out.

I have the chance for a new beginning. It’s normal to feel sad, at times. Naturally. That’s life! But I’ve actually been happy for the most.

And I won’t complain about that!

Hmm, my dad is telling everyone that “Anna is doing fine. She is so relieved.” He even posted that on FB. Ha-ha. Face-palm.

Would people rather have me sad all the time? Furious? Breaking stuff. Why? How? What for?

Give me a break. I don’t see why. Had enough negativity within the marriage. I have left the fights back there. Broken objects, too.

Let me be happy now. I am determined to.

(Yesterday was the first exception since November. I  felt blue all morning, but strong again in the evening).

 

So……….

After a long delicious nap this afternoon, I decided to think about why I have been going on these dates.

Love it or leave it.

Tinder, that is.

 

I asked myself:

 

OK, what do I want?

Well, I believe in love! I love love. I love passion. I am a people person, very social. Prefer company. Besides, I have time in my hands. And lots of curiosity.

And a big heart, ready to love again. ❤️‍

 

What’s the hurry?

Oh, no hurry. After twenty-three years with the same man, it’d be crazy to be in a hurry to find another husband.

 

So, what are you looking for on Tinder now?

Well, that was what took me the longest to answer. But then I came to the following conclusions:

 

(1) In the short term, just meeting new people, socializing. Finding out who is out there. What kind of men are single and on the lookout. Long interesting conversations. A few new friends?

Yes, excellent. Nothing wrong, scary or desperate about that. 🙂

 

(2) In the medium term (yes, that is possible to say in English!), I’d love to find a boyfriend. Life is definitely for sharing. And I’ve got so much love and affection to give!

I want to add value to a man’s life and heart. To his days. To his thoughts. And he must as much to me, too!

 

And finally, (3) In the long term…

…someday, if I’m really lucky. I hope to share my life closely with my Mr. One and Only again. (No hurry for number 3. That would be crazy, right?)

 

Happy sigh!

 

Hey, one thing I know for sure: if he exists, he has already been born!!! 😂

He’s somewhere over the rainbow… 🦅 

So, wherever he is right now, I hope he’s fine and looking for me too. Longingly.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 49 of stay! Now you know what you’re doing.

 

 

Chapter 28 – In the Forest

 

Tuesday, 10 October 2017.

 

Her work trip is long – an hour and twenty minutes from home to the second school where she teaches twice a week. Anna’s driving there now and wonderful English choir music is playing in her Kia Ceed.

These drives are often special. When she doesn’t use the time for listening to Ted Talks or chatting with friends and relatives over the phone, she gets to meditate.

Reflect. Revisit her inner world and check how she really feels about things. Not just logically speaking, but more importantly, in her gut.

Heart. Soul.

A couple of deer have just crossed the road before her. Dangerous. But oh, so beautiful!

Her mind is empty, for a change, and she’s just sucking in the majesty of the Finnish countryside nature.

 

Beauty – ah! What is beauty?

These wheat fields. Oh. Such colors! Now I understand Van Gogh.

 

Rain is falling gently from the grey clouds onto the slippery, curvy, hilly roads ahead, as the Chelmsford Citadel Songsters harmonize with each other. The trees all around her are shedding what they’ll have no use for in the coming seasons.

Gracefully, nonetheless.

Their yellow leafs dance their way down, blowing in the wind as they fall to the ground. To match the scenery, thankful tears of deep emotion escape Anna’s eyes.

Shamelessly.

Lots of people I love are going through so much. Both the good and the bad. And all those dates I had last year. Real human encounters some of them. And then love. I’m going through rain in my soul, too. 

But behind those clouds, the sun is shining strong and it will conquer again.

She inhales deeply.

 

And what about people? What makes a person beautiful? What makes a guy handsome in my eyes?

I know.

Very well.

She arrives at the school parking lot, stays in her car and quickly scribbles some thoughts on a leaflet. She’ll keep on working on the poem during her lunch break.

🍂 🌾

 

I’ve been wondering. What is beauty? Hmm, who is handsome??

 

I think beauty’s a sad countenance

With a hurt heart that’s healing.

A brave heart – succumbed –

That keeps resilient,

Like a little bird must in a cold, cold storm.

 

Beauty is…

…both generosity and self-confidence.

…self-esteem, a good posture.

And your smile.

Yes, yours. Who else’s, precious one?

 

Your weight, your height.

Being you. Your wrinkles.

Trying to become a better version of yourself (with help),

While being comfortable in…

Your own skin.

 

A fearless soul

Marching to battle,

Though so fearful in sacrifice, maturity.

A scarred soldier who conquers:

Beautiful is he.

 

Beauty’s…

Intelligence.

Producing and loving. Youthful vigor.

Experience. Old age.

A life. YOLO. R.I.P.

 

Acceptance is graceful – weaknesses and all.

Loving yourself in a healthy way

To then really, really love others:

Your neighbor, your soul mate,

Your father? Your friends.

 

Oh, beauty is a trusting spirit

– Like that of an innocent child.

Gentleness, uncorrupted sweetness, and kindness, delight.

 

It’s to be proud of your achievements, talents.

Yet humble at heart.

 

It’s certainty, uncertainty.

Genuine you are.

 

In service. Purity.

Determination, vulnerability,

Respect, authenticity.

Do shine your light!

 

Forgiveness.

Wholeness.

Your brokenness, too.

Gratitude. A joyful being!

Deciding to live in truth.

 

Your amazing body and that sparkle in your eyes –

Beauty is the whole package, you see? Cutie pie.

 

When you can be bothered

You’re so handsome, making lots of little efforts

Both in action and in words,

You hardworking, fun,

Affectionate Guy.

 

Beauty’s…

A person walking in the forest

In solitude.

If accompanied – oh!

They’ll soar, they’ll fly.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is!

Tudo é belo ao que ama…

 

It’s solving your problems and

Finding your purpose.

That, beauty is…

Most definitely.

Indeed.

🍂

 

She’ll read her poem aloud to some. She’ll send it to ten-fifteen loved ones she finds beautiful. Who inspire her. Including him.

© 2017 rf

Vincent_van_Gogh_-_Wheatfield_with_crows_-_Google_Art_Project – kopio

Wheatfield with Crows, 1890. Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

 

 

Obs. About a year and eleven months since moving out.