Chapter 37 – Why I Am Doing This

 

Sunday, 7 February 2016.

 

Day 49

 

Dear Diary,

Today has been a time for some reflection, and now in the evening I feel I want to scribble down some thoughts.

Turning 39 recently… the separation… our new flat… are the teens going to be OK?

Tinder! Eight dates, elation, fun, tears, peace, a little sadness, too. Prayer. Separation sure creates a merry-go-round of varying emotions.

Mixed feelings. But tbh, negative ones have been rare since November. Believe me if you will. More often than not, I’ve been content since I moved out.

I have the chance for a new beginning. It’s normal to feel sad, at times. Naturally. That’s life! But I’ve actually been quite OK for the most, and I won’t complain about that!

Hmm, my dad is telling everyone that “Anna is doing fine. She is so relieved.” He even posted that on FB. Haha. Face-palm.

I had enough suffering within the marriage, so now I’ve left the fights back there. Broken objects, too.

Let me be happy now. I am determined to!

(Yesterday was the first exception since November. I  felt blue all morning, but strong again in the evening).

 

So……….

After a long delicious nap this afternoon, I decided to think about why I have been going on these dates.

Love it or leave it.

Tinder, that is.

 

I asked myself:

 

OK, what do I want?

Well, I believe in love! I love love. I love passion. I am a people person, very social. Prefer company. Besides, I have time in my hands. And lots of curiosity.

And a big heart, ready to love again. ❤️‍

 

What’s the hurry?

Oh, no hurry. After twenty-two years with the same man, it’d be crazy to be in a hurry to find another husband.

 

So, what are you looking for on Tinder now?

Well, that was what took me the longest to answer. But then I came to the following conclusions:

 

(1) In the short term, just meeting new people, socializing. Finding out who is out there. What kind of men are single and on the lookout. Long interesting conversations. A few new friends?

Yes, excellent. Nothing wrong, scary or desperate about that. 🙂

 

(2) In the medium term, I’d love to find a boyfriend. Life is definitely for sharing. And I’ve got so much love and affection to give!

I want to add value to a man’s life and heart. To his days. To his thoughts. And he must as much to me, too!

 

And finally, (3) In the long term…

…someday, if I’m really lucky. I hope to share my life closely with my Mr. One again.

Happy sigh!

 

Hey, one thing I know for sure: if he exists, he has already been born!!! 😂

He’s somewhere over the rainbow… 🦅 

So, wherever he is right now, I hope he’s fine and looking for me too. Longingly.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 49 of stay! Now you know what you’re doing.

 

 

Chapter 31 – Nothing Much

 

Thursday, 4 February, 2016.

 

Still Day 46

 

Nothing much.

It’s 6 p.m. that very same evening. An uneventful evening, it turns out.

We’re too different. Apparently he needs to sleep early and I go to bed late…?

Anna’s looking pretty as she turns the key and enters her flat – soaring with stonewalled energy and frustrating expectations.

 🎵 I was going out tonight, still feeling alright…🎶

OK, I practiced some dating skills. Not a complete waste of my time, then… An OK guy – this Riku.

 

Yes, it’s been only a month of Tindering and she’s already been on 8 dates.

Forty-six days since moving out, since the separation. Hmm… Out of their last home together… It’s just Mr. Ex’s now. And the teens’.

And God knows who else’s?

Oh, cringe!

Hurtful bleeding bloody ouch.

 

Stop.

That’s a ridiculous understatement.

Grotesque.

 

How about this?

From last June to January, Anna has at times felt lunged at, knocked down, assaulted by fate. Stabbed with a knife that life has “thrust, jabbed and skewered” her lovable heart with – until near death.

Sigh. She knows she’s not a victim, and takes responsibility over her choices, mistakes and actions…

Still, I can’t help how I feel!

 

Well, I’ll tell you this. If you ever find yourself in this same predicament, there’s just one thing you should do. One.

Forgive.

Now.

Full stop. Categorically.

Move on. Just move on.

Bless him; wish him well – you won’t regret it. For the teens. Co-parent like Mary Poppins would.

Don’t you dare dwell on loss. Onward march! You deserve it. Be really happy. Abundantly. Survive at all costs. Stay resilient. Think selfishly of yourself too, now. Have loads of fun. As much as you can. Look at the bright side, at all the perks. Raise that dopamine, but be safe. Don’t be alone. DO NOT ISOLATE YOUR SOUL. Hug all your friends and relatives. Let them splash their affection over you. Take care of your kids. Love them with all your being. Let the tears roll down sometimes. But laugh out loud much, much more. Infinitely more. Watch lots of comedies. New hobbies? More volleyball please. More jogging. New friends? Please, maybe find a good guy. Believe he’s out there. Someone who wants you, sees you. A nice person. A powerful healing embrace. Chemistry. Just do it, come on. Postpone the frightening mourning, the deathly grief. Don’t you feel lonely tonight.

Quick!

Urgently Suffer Later.

L-a-t-e-r.

When you’re stronger.

That’s what Anna’s doing, anyways.

And the only way to go if you’re sane.

 

Sigh.

This whole separation thing is so very recent.

Deep in her heart, Anna has no doubt – whatsoever – that it’s for the best. The very fairy best.

It will most certainly turn out to be a super clear, mega blessing in disguise – eventually. There were just too many things they couldn’t take anymore. Betrayal. No attraction. No romance. Twenty more years of friendship? Nobody deserves that. To please society, the church?? Don’t you want more?

Honesty!

Honestly…

One

Life

To

Live.

They were over each other. They lost faith?

 

It’s not that…

So, what is it, then?

What is there to be sad about? Why can’t Anna just enjoy a peaceful pleasant home-alone Thursday evening? “Read a book, relax!”

 

Well, fathom this for a second.

I can’t!

Your recent home – now previous…. The place where your teens are spending this very evening with their father… The place that you’ve recently redecorated in style and with the loving work of your hands…

Where you hung the curtains you’d just sewed… The place you cleaned and decorated for Christmas just fifty days ago…

The place where your youngest child is probably devastated, hurting, missing you – feeling “Where the heck is mom and why isn’t she here?” …Trying to be brave to pull through… The place your own family lives without you two weeks a month…

Oh my God.

After two decades of making a house a home – with love, with passion. With joy. And lots of human imperfection… History.

That place…

…Is a place where you’re no longer expected. You’re not really welcome there anymore.

 

So… nothing much.

Just that.

© 2017 rf

 

 

 

Obs. Still day 46 since moving out.