Chapter 21 – Anniversary

I’ve admitted it, there you go.

It’s very hard to please me with good gifts because what I want is actually the hard stuff: I want you to really care and to show that both in words and action.

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Tuesday, 21 February 2017.

 

Day – Does it Matter? Love stops time.

 

It’s our one-year anniversary and he’s promised to call a little later.

Anna is looking out the window of the cottage she adores so much. The sun appeared from behind the heavy clouds just now, as if to celebrate their special occasion. Its rays are resting over the cleanest of snows. And when you live in Finland, you value each second of sunshine, isn’t it true?

 

Some friends were here with Anna over the weekend, but had to go back to work in Helsinki. Spring break from school, 9 days off for ‘hiihtoloma’.

Since we can’t be together today, that’s how I’ve planned it: I want to be alone!

Alone. To feel. To reflect. She needs to reminisce, in order to continue writing the book she’s recently begun.


 

Omar and Anna chatted on Messenger earlier. He’s been reviewing her first drafts and has some constructive criticism.

“Anna, there in Chapter 2 where you say you like practical gifts. I’m not quite buying it. Nobody’s that pragmatic. Come on!

“Gifts make one feel seen… It’s about feeling valued and important to others at the end of the day. But OK, the socks are nice. Romantic.

“Amiga, why don’t you take advantage of the fact that you’re anonymous? Be fully honest with yourself, tell the reader everything. You’re an Alias, it’s a diary. It’s safe to pour your heart out. And we’re curious.” 🙂

 

The next few days are going to be her first holidays alone. Ever. Anna had been afraid to be here like this, in such secluded surroundings. The jet-black darkness of night. Well, she’s been locking all doors, even though you don’t really need to do that in the middle of the forest in Finland.

Mostly, she had been afraid of feeling lonely out here without him – every corner of the place bursting with memories.

So far so good.

Always face your fears! Don’t run away from them. And… solitude and loneliness are different things.

This is solitude.

And what a wondrous place this is.


 

Back to work then, Chapter 2, where did it end?

Ah, here it is… Eggs, Light Coke, Diesel, Lindt. She is reading over her Ray Ban glasses.

Socks. Yes!! Socks… Someday I’ll share my life closely with somebody again (but it will have to be someone as special as me), and we’ll give each other good socks for every birthday and every Christmas. One pair each. And sometimes on a normal day too, just to be romantic. ❤️‍😍”

I’m changing the verb tense. There. This sounds better: “And we’re wearing them all.”


 

My, how could I be any clearer? Hope Mr. One takes the hint. Hmm. Mmm.

OK Anna, challenge of the day: be honest with yourself. Think of this whole situation. The whole mess. Dreams, frustrations, the longing. Everything you and he shared in a year.

She leans back on the couch and is suddenly in far-away-heartland. For a long time. When she comes back to here and now, Anna is ready to type away:

 

Dearest Diary,

P.S.

Remember when I wrote about what I think of gifts (29 December 2015)?

🤐 

OK, I’ll give you the whoooole truth.
Honestly? 😬😁

I want you to give me socks and a wild flower, a jar with stones from a beach we visit, a little note, or a snowball on my head. A drawing and a napkin.

I want hugs for no reason. Lots of them. Firm – like you want to grab me. (Just saying, Finnish guys out there, learn! Fica a dica).

And hot kisses – touches.

 

At this point, Anna is sobbing noisily. She looks funny and can barely see the laptop screen as she pours her soul onto the keyboard. But OK, OK, keep tryping –  cryping  – Oh, typos! Dry your tears, Anna. Here we go: t – y – p – i – n – g. There. Typing.

 

A handwritten card with words that you really mean. Chemistry – gosh, that goes without saying.

Take me to KFC, my favorite junk food joint. And always wear a nice shirt for our dates if  you want me weak at the knees.

I want eyes caressing my body and trying to pierce my very soul, while music whose lyrics you want me to hear is playing in the background. A romantic get-away in nature. Like here. With frequent little favors.

I am a strong and capable woman, but I want to feel my fragile and feminine side when I’m with you.

I wish you to want to play board games and… Don’t let me win! Invite me to dance, even if we suck. Let’s play a little volleyball together at the beach, just to make me as excited as a child – up for it?

Send me pictures of anything that belongs to your normal life. Selfies, please?

🎼 Detalhes tão pequenos de nós dois…
Oh, do think about me and miss me, too.

I want you to listen to me while I read you something deep; to watch movies and series together, asking why I’m crying as we eat creative ice cream mixes I’ve come up with. Skin on skin.

Tell me when I’m wrong – you can tease me a little. I even miss someone to fight with. God! Can you believe it?

My patience is real, but don’t let it fool you: I am very demanding. Let’s expect nothing but the best we can give each other at any given point and time.

 

Ah. I want you to try to write me poetry, the result being really bad (but you presenting it to me anyway). What really matters are your intentions, the emotions shared, your honest attempt.

Tell a good friend about me? Small surprises. Yes. A surprise visit. Why don’t you? Call me from the airport.😏

I desire your confusion, your excitement, a little fear of loss.

Long, brisk walks and talks. For you to tell me what you are really thinking. What are you going through, my love? Your doubts, your dreams, your longings, your hurt, your fears. Even your BS, any addictions? Give me your tears.

Give me your jokes, your smiles. Make me laugh. What do you yearn for, what makes you excited, what can I do to make your world stop for a moment in time? Not all the time.

Scarcity and distance inflate desire, so there’s a limit – let’s not go clingy.

Above all, I desire your true self and the spontaneity of your being. Don’t do everything I want. Of course not. And it’s not about me. Not everything. I’m just a part.

Experience special moments with me, will you darling? Another first. And tell me good things, from time to time? 🐦

I’ll gladly take your little efforts sometimes.

Give me affection and attention in a variety of small ways. Make it count. Send me lots of emojis with your messages? Don’t be sparing.

🦅

At this point in the text, my reader, please leave your answer in the comment section on your left. Are you thinking:

(a) Eurgh, all this girly mushy talk.

(b) I can totally relate.

(c) Yes, and I can add my own dreams to the list! Maybe write one of my own?

 

As the author, perhaps I’m leaning towards, hm, female readers will relate… And male readers are almost asleep?

Well, what if I tell you the aforementioned is all based in real life events? It really happened guys. I just miss it. Every day I do.

My son hates it when I say women are more emotional than men. OK. Maybe it’s not about gender, but about your personality. Are you a hopeless romantic, too? I’d love to know. But some opposites attract…

Alright. I’ll just wrap it up now.

🦉

 

Let’s choose each other.

I’m challenging you. Solve your problems! And be aware that I’m independent – I won’t need you to survive…

…No!

Just to be much, much happier than I already am. And life more beautiful. Meaningful. Really full.

I know what long-suffering is – I can take it. I’m tough. I need to focus on my life too right now. But then someday…

…Someday when I’m ready, I’ll want your best for me. Just like I want to give you mine. We have the know-how.  It was great. We’ve tried it.

There’s a time for everything under the sun, but life is for living, not just for sacrificing. YOLO. One life, don’t forget.

There’s an impending time for turning tables. For being happy and having someone to share that with. For daring to dream and to pursue your goals.

 

Many things are not under our control, but we should do our foremost about the things that are. Expect and accept. And hope for the best.

I’m fine alone, but if you turn out to be the One, you’ll have the power to make it all a hell of a ride better, you see?

So.

I’ve admitted it, there you go.

It’s very hard to please me with good gifts because what I want is actually the hard stuff: I want you to really care and to show that you do, both in words and in action. Looking into my eyes.

I like your vulnerable and your self-confident sides equally. So, I’m asking for the sincerity of your heart, your truth, the abundant affection, the generous spirit, the earnest loyalty and the courage it will take you to find yourself, be your deepest self and live it all out.

With me, who else?

Forget the price tag.

 

And the phone starts ringing.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 428 – but love does stop time!

 

 

Chapter 16 – Changing Her Criteria

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Monday, 25 January 2016.

 

Day 36

 

The Citymarket in Ruoholahti is buzzing with special offers, so Anna cycles there after school to get some extra groceries for the teens who’ve come back yesterday night to spend a week with her.

Joey has a Coca Cola fridge from Verkkokauppa next to his bed, and she likes to please him by filling it with healthy snacks and some other goodies. God, teenage boys eat so much – there’s no stopping them.

She hangs the grocery bags on her bike and decides to walk home. On the way, she stops to take a quick look at her Tinder app.

How is it possible that all the men near me are finito?

Wait a minute. There are guys to be swiped once more! How does this work? Have they just joined the app??

Now that Anna knows she may run out of potential matches again, she decides to look at their whole profile and all their pics slowly and carefully.

This guy? Hmm. Still no.

This other? OK, yes.

No.

No.

Ha. Why do guys post pictures such as this? A straw hat, sunglasses?? I can’t see his eyes, his hair nor his teeth (he’s sipping a drink with a friend in a summer destination). Aww. His friend is cute. Nice expression.

Hey, English name! And he doesn’t have Finnish features. Long, manly nose. 

Anna smiles, thinking of how her South American dad always says that men should have long, manly noses. Dad’s so funny – maybe he’s right.

 

I’ve never swiped yes to a guy with sunglasses, and he has no profile text either! Hmmm. Hate that. But let me take a look at his other pictures. His name is in English, after all.

Oh-la-la! How elegant!!! Christian (43) is wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. Perfect posture, as he walks toward the photographer with long strides. Wow.

Convinced, Anna swipes yes and immediately gets the happy Tinder popup screen – “Congrats, you’re a match!”

And then, “Sorry, there’s no one else near you.”

Again! I’d better value the matches I have, ha-ha…

 

She texts him a hi and he replies immediately. Cool, a short chat before I get home.

He has joined Tinder literally five minutes ago and she’s the first person he swiped and thus also his first match.

Really? That’s interesting.

Christian lives in Germany, but he’s in Finland on a business trip. Yes, he’s an Englishman. He might be moving to Helsinki to work as one of the CEOs of a start-up, but for now, he’ll be flying here for work on a monthly basis. Would she meet him next time?

Oh, when are you coming again?

In a month?!! Oh, it’s definitely a no go, then. After all, I’ve decided not to chat for weeks and weeks before meeting in person. Remember Tino, Anna? Don’t waste your time… The new system is working fine. Chat for two-three days and meet up.

 

No, please. I promise I’ll be back in four weeks. Three! I love it here! Beautiful Finland. In fact, I’m on a train to Lapland. Nearing Oulu now. Have you ever been here?

Oulu!! That’s where I’ve lived the longest in my life.

 

Anna has moved 33 times. She’s lived in five countries and twenty cities. Seven years in Oulu! She feels emotional for a second.

She tells him about that and he asks her for her phone number. Please.

She thinks, Eurgh, OK. He’s being polite and showing so much – respectful – interest. Asking things, interacting. Finnish guys rarely ask me anything, and sometimes the chats are soooo slow. At least this guy is making an effort…

Even though I doubt anything is coming from this. 

She tells him her teens are waiting for her at home and she’ll be busy in the next few hours. But yes, maybe they’ll chat on WhatsApp later. If he messages me. Let’s see…

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 36 since moving out.