Chapter 4 – Well, Look at You Now

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Tuesday, 5 January 2016.

 

Day 16

 

Ha! This is so amusing!

Not even in her wildest of dreams would Anna have imagined that someday she would be a divorced mother of teens, living alone two weeks a month and – above all – swiping left and right. Well, mostly left. 😏

Quem te viu e quem te vê.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s how the Tinder app works: you create an online profile through your Facebook account, after which you get to see pictures of other Tinder users, with or without a profile text.

In theory, when you see somebody you like, you swipe their picture to the right side of your smart phone. At this point, you may or may not have looked at their possible text/other pics. When you don’t ‘like’ the person, you swipe left.

Anna looks at everything before deciding which way to swipe.

If the person you swiped right to has also swiped you right, the two of you become a match and are now able to chat with each other. Genius!

 

If you as the reader are thinking “So what? No biggie with Tinder!” … that’s because you don’t know about Anna’s history well enough yet. For her, using Tinder is huge.

And remember she has been alone for only 16 days.

After a twenty-year-long marriage.

 

To top it up, Anna comes from a kind of, what shall we call it? A less worldly background. Granddaughter, daughter and ex-wife of pastors, to be precise. Anna herself has also worked for the same church in the past. And even though she does not consider herself ‘religious’, her faith is central to her – no doubt about it.

So, for her, it feels extremely exciting — and almost sinful — to be having a go on Tinder.

 

She thinks a lot about the profile text she wants to have there, before coming up with this:

Fun-loving, international (5 countries, 20 cities, 5 languages), half-Finnish/South American. Smart, artistic, sociable. A think-outside-the-box-hardworking-independent kind of teacher. Separated. Mom of teens. ❤️

Volleyball, jogging, working out. A healthy lifestyle and your inner beauty.

Please tell me you’re communicative and fun without alcohol – then it’s OK to drink a little. For me, God is love. Looking for new friends, but a cool guy once said, “life’s an adventure,” so you never know… 😊

(Later, she uncovers what her dates understand by “fun-loving” 😅🤣).

Anna never liked video games as a child, though she did play Atari a little bit. A decade ago, playing Tetris on the computer was super cool. It is just not the same on a touch screen, so bye-bye addiction.

She always says that the only video games she approves of have to start on the left of a TV screen and move only to the right. And up and down, of course. Super Mario was awesome to try out! But mostly, she just used to watch her younger brother Moses play it to its last phase, when they’d be really excited and celebrate!

Gosh, today’s games make her dizzy.

Joey, her son, loves playing Counter Strike and Grand Theft Auto. For Mr. Ex, Fifa was the way to go. Her mom Riitta was addicted to Candy Crush for a long time, but never spent a dime on it – quitting after she realized there would be no end to its 900+ phases.

Anna would never play with anyone’s feelings, but this Tinder “game” is fun! Real people in a real game?

What are they all doing there? What are they looking for? — She wonders mesmerized.

Wait.

What am I doing? What I am looking for??

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 16 since moving out. New beginnings and some confusion.

 

 

Chapter 2 – The Broken-Up Together Xmas

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Tuesday, 29 December 2015.

 

Day 9

 

Dear Diary,

How are you doing?

I am fine.

Really.

You doubt me?

Well, you know women – and you know me. If a fair amount of mood swings are normal within my cycle, just imagine now, under the present circumstances! Seriously. 🙁

It’s been a week since I moved out from Mr. Ex’s home.

Our last home together. Our last whole-family home.

Wholeness.

Were we whole together with so much abyss between us?

I am whole alone?

Yes, I am and will decisively remain so!

 

As for the latest news:

Remember how I told you Mr. Ex and I decided to celebrate our first Christmas party together to make it easier on Kristiina and Joey, our teens?

Christmas Eve went fine, thank God.

Phew.

Our traditional Finnish Xmas food was so delicious: smoked salmon; oven-baked ham encircled by prunes (served cold); gravy; rutabaga casserole; and creamy beetroot salad. Chocolates and lots of ice cream for dessert. Yummy!

We were all in an amicable mood and able to behave in a civil manner, giving each other nice gifts and friendly smiles, including Mr. Ex (!), who gave me a forty-euro H&M gift card, to my surprise.

I’m not fully buying it… Hmmm. Too good to be true?? Anyways… I feel that it’s better to keep the peace – and everybody wins.

Darling Lisa joined us from central Finland with her kids (the teens’ third degree cousins), as well as Ida, a kind of extra granny they have got. Varamummo, in Finnish.

Ah, how could I forget Joey’s illustrious puppy Jack Black, an adorable Jack Chi who loves to snuggle up, but is also strong-willed, playful, intelligent and, OMG, soooo cute?

The deal is he’ll live a week a month with me and the rest of the time with Mr. Ex.

“Oh, you want a divorce? OK. You take the dog three weeks a month. You know I won’t want to clean his white fur off my couch every day!”

Mr. Ex and I only live a km from each other, so it’s easy to see him if I ever miss him too much.

The dog, of course!!

As if…!

 

The next day – Xmas morning – the teens and I exchange a few more gifts and Kristiina’s makes me cry – literally – a wrought-iron hook with a heart on top for our new kitchen.

I’m so hooked on hooks, they’re so practical! Kris knows I adore them, and the fact that she really put in some thought into buying something she knew I would love made me very emotional.

Crying and laughing at the same time was so hilarious that she filmed the whole episode. (Maybe I’ll show you the clip someday).

I always remind Joey and his sister that even when we have little money, it’s still important to give a simple gift to the people who matter in our lives – at least if we’re going to spend a special occasion with them.

Birthdays and Christmases simply cannot go unnoticed. Nothing makes me feel more unloved than that… (I’m writing this with pouting lips)! 😏

Actions speak louder than words, after all. Don’t you agree?

It does not have to be anything expensive. For instance, you can think of something the person likes or something that could be useful.

Quality is key, so a small pack of Lindt chocolates, a piece of poetry, a drawing or home-baked cookies can do wonders. I honestly don’t care if the only thing I get is a pair of socks, as long as they are handpicked and, above all, presented with love.

Look into the receiver’s eyes and give them a heart-warming smile and a bear hug – and voilà!

The simple things in life. Ahh…!

They make me happy.

It doesn’t take that much in life…

 

OK, OK… I admit it.

People who know me the best find it super hard to buy me gifts. I have a reputation at home for thanking you for your present, then putting it into my gift supply box to give it on to somebody else in the future. I’ll confess my sins.

Just think about it: it’s ecological. If it’s something I know I won’t like, wear, use or need, why open it?? Everyone should do the same!

If you really want to be sure I’ll be the one to enjoy your gift, get me a box of eggs, a salad, or a pen and paper. A Chili Lindt dark chocolate bar. A car wash, a candle, good coffee, a Levi’s or Diesel jeans. 

Or then a Light Coke. 😋 Ops! I’m trying to stop with my only vice – so maybe not!

Socks. Yes!! Socks… Someday I’ll share my life closely with somebody again (but it will have to be someone as cool as me), and we’ll give each other good socks for every birthday and every Christmas. One pair each.

And sometimes on a normal day too, just to be romantic. ❤️‍😍

And we are going to wear them all.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 9 since moving out. New beginnings indeed!

 

 

Chapter 1 – Separated Anna

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? The Prologue and Intro. 🙂

 

Sunday, 27 December 2015.

 

Day 7

 

Separated Anna has started to settle down in her new flat. It’s been three days since Xmas Eve and the teens have been with her since then. She’s feeling merry that they are spending time at their new place together.

She loves Kristiina and Joseph so much. Forever and for always!

“I love you guys too much… and not nearly enough!❤️‍” is what she sometimes texts them.

Gosh, to heaven and back, to hell and back, and everywhere in between. Natural motherly love. Plain and simple.

 

Talking of feelings…

For the time being, all her tears have dried up. For now, she’s just focusing on making sound decisions: Keep your cool, Anna! Stay strong, try to find joy, be light, resilient and matter of fact.

Nonchalant.

Fight the low moods with sports and a healthy foods, Annita! Spend time with your teens, relatives and friends. Enjoy freedom!

OK, OK… If needed, cry a little. But not too often, please! — she rolls her eyes, annoyed — If Mr. Ex doesn’t want to be with me anymore, well, too bad for him. His loss – stupid man!

What do I care?

Anna has been through a thousand emotions in the last few months. Torrential tears, inexplicable laughter, numbness, rage, relief, doubt, heart-wrenching self-doubt. Just to name a few of the feelings that welled up from the most unbeknownst depths within.

Take the night she moved out of her home, for instance. It felt so horrible that she can’t bear dwelling on it. She won’t even allow me, the narrator, to further elaborate on that yet.

Unconsciously, Anna has postponed her final tears for the lost marriage to later on.

You actually can – willingly – push your grief into the unkonwn future. But warning! It will catch you there when you least expect it.

Anna’s storms are slowly brewing, the necessary mourning is still to come. Thunder and lightning – believe me! The narrator is here in 2017, so I already know everything that’s going to happen back in 2016.

This book will seek to relate to you the story of Anna’s attempts at self-reconstruction more or less in chronological order (perhaps with a few flash forwards and -backs).

Keep calm 👑 and Anna’s 2016 will be uploaded with novelty.

Sweet Lord Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Xmas donkey! 2016 will turn out to be a fun-filled year sweet and full of passion like she can’t imagine just yet.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 7 since moving out. New beginnings!

 

Introduction – Ready for a New Start?

Enjoy! This is where the story begins.

 

 Wednesday, 23 December 2015.

 

Day 3

 

It’s a school holiday morning just before Christmas in wintry, dark, freezing Finland, and the wind is blowing hard and relentless in Helsinki. Anna is alone – her new home finally ready, after a couple of months of shopping for furniture and household gadgets.

The new stuff is from Ikea, K-rauta, Kodin Ykkönen, Verkkokauppa and Masku, and the handpicked second-hand objects are from antique shops, as well as tori.fi. As she looks around, Anna feels satisfied with the Kenwood kitchen appliances and the PAX wardrobe with its shiny white doors.

The moving process has taken lots of the usual pragmatic creativity and focus, hard work, screws and nails, boxes, closet space, hooks, and above all the help of two-three friends. How would she have managed without them?

Gratefully, she realizes that now that everything has fallen into place, she’s feeling happy – strangely enough…

You see, Anna has just moved out of her ex-husband’s home, six days after their twentieth anniversary. Sure, they’d spent the last two years discussing a possible divorce, so it hadn’t come as a total shock, really. (The first time they threw the idea around had been eight years earlier).

All the investment of time, affection, energy, forgiveness and patience. So much emotional stress! So many attempts… Eurgh.

Then, when he’d recently made up his mind to go through with the divorce, she hadn’t been able to avoid an exhausting ten days of sudden tears in the shower, the car drive to work, and nooooo…!! Even in the middle of a lesson once, in front of her ninth graders, when she’d burst out crying while explaining the difference between the past simple and the present perfect.

More like a complicated past and an annoyingly imperfect present!

What a waste of life!

 

The first night all alone at her new place had felt like purgatory agony and shame, until the next morning, when her childhood friend Tom, a Brazilian living in America since he was ten, called to check up on her. An experienced divorcé, he had lots of empathy and a few good tips to offer. Grateful for the support, they repeated the phone calls for a few months into 2016.

 

Anyhow… today is today. And today she is feeling cheerful.

She is listening to a YouTube link Tom has sent her. It’s a lecture on love, sex and dating by Andy Stanley, who provokes the listener with the challenge “Are you the person the person you’re looking for is looking for?”

Andy believes that after a breakup, people should take a year off dating and spend it on becoming a better character instead. That way, one will later be able to both expect and welcome into their life a better partner.

Hmmm, wow, brilliant, Anna thinks to herself, I’m gonna try and do just that!

 

Her teens Kristiina and Joey are spending the first separation days with their dad, before they come to stay for a week on Christmas Eve. How must they be feeling???

Joey had wanted to move in with Anna from night one, but she simply couldn’t let him. No way!

Had to go through the dark inferno of the first nights alone, all by myself. You don’t want your kids to see that…! 😭😭😭

Mr. Ex helped her with the move, financially and otherwise. Besides agreeing with all of her suggestions – demands! For example, that the teens live every other week with each parent, so both will keep a close bond and take their share of the responsibility.

Who wouldn’t want that privilege, right?

They are actually going to have their first Christmas party as a broken-up couple together 💔, hoping to make the new beginning a little less tough on the teens.

Don’t you see?

Although the day has come when there are no options left but to face the music, dealing with the marriage-turned-bad with brutal honesty, Anna believes it’s vital to think of the kids and try to make the whole mess as easy as humanly possible for them.

She’s trying her best!

 

Aye, aye! I remember feeling I was about to become a bitter wife.

Like, you know those fifty-year-old women you see working behind the cash register sometimes? The ones with thin, stiff lips who look angrily at you, the customer, and you have no idea why? They just look so sour.

Whenever Anna sees them, she thinks of two things.

OMG, I’m NOT going to become one of them – they exude so much anger!

And when she’s feeling more merciful, perhaps something like, Who has hurt them? Their man?? Cancer?

Poor things.

 

But…

Big sigh.

What now?? What’s to become of me now? Hmmm…

 

I know. I know!!

 

Life has given me tons of lemons, but just you wait, Mr. Ex!

Wait and see how much lemonade I’m about to make! I’ll let you have a taste of it first. Maybe you’ll miss me?

Or drown in it for all I care…

 

Anna rides that stupid emotional roller coaster.

No… That’s bitter. – and bitter can’t be the taste she’s after now.

No, no.

No!

Long, long sigh.

 

OK. Then what?

Think, Anna, think.

No. Feel it in your gut!

She looks deep into her soul where a very nice vision pops up.

 

Instead of resentment………… My first ingredient:

Lots of sugar for me… 😊 and for my future Mr. Boyfriend. 😊 — Anna smiles now, more satisfied.

I may be vulnerable, but I am strong!

I feel fearful, oh damn, so very afraid!

(Relieved, too!)

Angry, yes.

Sad, definitely.

But bitter?!

I’m actually sweet. A very loving person! — she protests Humpf.

If you really, really know me and you care to see… you can’t help but feel it.

 

(Hmmmm… I don’t think Mr. Ex agrees… Haha! Well, fuck it, who cares?)

 

Anna’s been working hard on seeing her cup half full – at least during the long days she’s been super busy organizing her new place, as she adores hard work and easily dives into new projects.

Now, sitting down on the brand new couch, she’s thinking that she’s had enough negativity, enough tears. She’s just had enough. She desires a new, hopeful beginning. Anna does not want to end up alone and miserable.

Is that even realistic??

Yes, she must be brave. She needs to go to work, earn a living, pay her bills. The teens need her! She just has to survive this hurricane with dignity and joy – and not too many tears.

Yes, that’s it.

So………………

It is thus that in that spirit of stubborness, she makes up her mind. Sisu!

You know what? I’ve succeded in being a positive person even in the midst of life’s many problems. I’m not going to go bad now!

I don’t want to.

A bitter 39-year-old divorced woman?

Hell, nooo!

After all, if life gives you lemons… whatever! Make lemonade. Yay!

Healthy lemonade, with just the right amount of sweetness.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 3 since moving out of her ex-husband’s home. New beginnings!
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