separation – Page 8 – The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcée

Chapter 5 – How I Tinder

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Thursday, 7 January 2016.

Day 18

Dear Diary,

All good with me and the teens. What a relief! So far so good.

We simply love our new flat. Feeling so at home. 😍

Jätkäsaari is a relatively new neighborhood in Helsinki, close to the city center, with about ten thousand apartments being built as we speak. Our building is only a year old, so it’s very modern and well-planned.

Kristiina and Joseph have been enjoying the gym on the eighth floor, while my favorite place is the sauna with its surrounding terraces up there. The laundry is very nice, too, spacious and with a huge window. Not to mention our social room, which can be booked for free for parties and gatherings.

See, Anna? No use crying over spilt milk… Right?

Silver linings, silver linings… and life’s not that bad! 😊😊

As for the Tindering business…

…Well, I have to admit that it gives me butterflies in my stomach.

Lots and lots! 🦋🦋🦋

Imagine, after twenty-two years with the same man – yes, I started dating Mr. Ex at 17 – it feels nicely odd to be single again and free to chat with whomever I want. Strangers, mostly from Finland.

Lol. Finnish guys are such a mystery to me. 🤔

I’ve quickly come up with my own set of rules for how to play the Tinder “game”.

(I affectionately call it a game, but for me it’s serious business!) 😊

When swiping right, it’s important that I like how he looks, of course, but I’m not searching for a super model or a Hollywood star. Definitely not for a body builder. All things in moderation.

Besides, I can look at myself in the mirror, too. 😏🤔

It’s not as much about looks as it is about the general vibe I get:

Does he look pleasant enough? Is he smiling in any of the pics or just looking serious, angry or depressed? Is there kindness in his eyes? Is he nicely dressed? 🤗

Come on! Most people look their best when smiling.

And what has happened to cleanliness and a cool haircut, good posture, nice clothes – if I may ask?? (Some guys there are unbelievable! 😬)

Maybe a smart shirt and tie in one of the pictures? A positive portrayal is what you’d expect.

“Suit up,” guys!

It’s also a matter of self-love, right? If the guy doesn’t care at all about leaving a good first impression, then what later? 🤦‍

Different strokes for different folks, but I immediately swipe no to smokers. It’s also a no if they are holding huge alcoholic drinks, especially in all of their pictures (Is drinking that central in their lives?).

Not interested in profiles with blurry pictures, no presentation text, people who state they’re just looking for sex (free hookers??), guys hiding behind sunglasses.

Your eyes are the window to your soul, my dear, and I want to see what they are telling me. 👀

Last but not least, I’m a teacher and all for education, so don’t get me wrong now: I also swipe no to university students.

Although this was one of the things I admired the most about Mr. Ex – a hardworking man, I’ll admit as much – he’s taking his fourth degree since we met… And I’m a little bit tired of dealing with deadlines and essays and theses within the relationship. Not to mention the very tight student budget.

Myself?

I’ve graduated and found a permanent job, pay my own bills and depend on no one, so it would be nice to enjoy a little more breathing space and some special dates, for a change.

That would be sooooo nice! 🤞

Feeling a little sleepy here, so I’ll write some more later.

Have lots more to tell!! Yay!

P.S. For now, there are some Finnish names I swipe no to. 😀 Sorry, Finland!!

For example, Pentti, Velho, Mikko, Mika, Tenho, Aarto, Panu, Antti, Ekka, Pelle, Saku and Tatu. They just sound too funny in Portuguese/Spanish!!! Ilkka is a woman’s name. And Arse?? OMG!!

(Their translation would be: comb, oldie, monkey, embarrassment, I have, tall, cloth, anti, yuk, clown, bag and armadillo. 😆 How could I take a bf with one of those names seriously? Hahaha!)

Obs. Day 18 since moving out. New beginnings!

Chapter 3 – A Change of Heart

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Saturday, 2 January 2016.

Day 13

Dear Diary,

Things have been going quite well, but you won’t believe what happened! I was driving yesterday when Mr. Ex called, asking to book a time with me to sit down and talk.

“Ex, is it that serious that you cannot tell me over the phone??” — I feel furious for about ten minutes… Hey, that’s a new record for me, as I hate holding onto anger.

Then I get a grip and call a couple of friends. My best friend advises me to catch Mr. Ex off guard and really listen.

(Hmmm. Is he saying I’m a better talker than listener?? 😁).

We go to the closest Hesburger. I am feeling calm, but curious. Don’t ask me how.

“Anna, how are things?” — Mr. Ex attempts to small-talk.

“Just fine, thanks. But you didn’t bring me here to chit chat about trivialities now, did you?”

“Hehe,” — his fidgety laughter — “Eh, first of all, I just want to say that in all those years we were together, I never loved another lady. You were always the only one.

Really?!

“Until now.” — dead silence for a split of a second — “But, I promised you that you would be the first one to be informed, so we need to talk.”

“Who is she?” — I immediately need to know.

Of course it had crossed my mind that he had another woman.

That’s an understatement. Of course I unknowingly knew it.

I just knew it.

We always know. Don’t we?

That time last fall when he insisted I not join him at the karaoke bar. He basically pleaded with me to go home and meet him later.

Or that other time when he wrapped his iPhone tightly with the cables of his earphones, putting the damn thing under his pillow and sitting on it, after I’d asked to look at my recent birthday pictures — what the heck??!

And that time when I asked him to please just tell me bluntly and he’d answered: “Annita, I’ve hurt you so many times in our marriage… I don’t want to keep doing it anymore!”

Men don’t usually get a divorce before they have found a new person.

Why would they exchange the comfort of a home with a wife, a friend, a mother and extra earnings for a new phase with less money, more responsibilities with the kids, and the added loneliness?

“Oh, Anna, she’s asked me not to reveal who she is to anyone yet. She’s afraid everybody will hate her and think she is culpable of breaking up a family.” — he tries.

“Who is she…?? — I pressure him.

“I accepted your decision to get a divorce, Ex, but I won’t take no for an answer now!” — I make it clear (and then try appealing to his logic) — “Ex, you and I have been great friends, hosts and co-workers, right? But on the emotional level our marriage hadn’t been OK at all for a very long time...

“So, I won’t blame her, you know that. Tell me! — he looks thoughtful and nervously laughs a little.

“Ex, you’ve got to tell me!! — he’s still silent, so I threaten him — “If you don’t tell me…”

“What?” — he looks alarmed for a second.

“I’ll just complicate every single thing I can, from now on.” — I smile victoriously.

He chuckles — “Yeah, I told her I was going to try, but knowing you, kind of thought I wouldn’t be successful.”

Haha. Score!

So, the truth is out. 🙁

He’s dating a university classmate of his…! The one who got really wasted at our place, when he cooked his classmates dinner a couple of months ago.

At the time, I’d thought, “Who goes to a family home for the first time and gets stupidly drunk?” After which she’d kept hugging me and telling me how beautiful I am — WTF?

E%ur#g!h, I hope Ex gets really fat and bald, fast!!! — is how it feels.

Nevertheless, I consciously decide to turn the other cheek…

But it stings — bad!

And to sadly wish them well.

I’m feeling subdued for a moment. Stupid life!

I’m so mad at him, but, but, but…

The guy has suffered his fair share on Earth – I’ll give him that. I’ve also caused him pain (he admits he’s caused me much more)! Why would I want him to be unhappy? When you really love someone, you want them to be well.

Mixed feelings. I’ve been experiencing relief and freedom, but this feels novel now.

OK…

Exhale…

This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to do this forgiveness thing my mother taught me — “I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven” (Jesus) — For my own sake, not for his.

Cannot help but being myself, though, so I offer him some unsolicited advice.

“Hey Ex, I have some things to say now. Hear me out, OK? — He looks doutbful and it feels like a small victory that he’s stuck and has to listen.

“Be the best possible dad you can, focusing on the teens when it’s your turn to take care of them. If your new relationship doesn’t work out…” — at this point he rolls his eyes — “…your kids will still be there for you if you don’t neglect them now. You don’t want to become like your father……

“Hey, and don’t you abandon your faith! Keep talking to God. Your mother taught you that and it has always been so important to you. Even though it may feel contradictory to what you’re doing right now, and church people — especially — will most likely judge your actions… — (both of us grew up in ministers’ families).

“Finally, try to do things right in the relationship this time, will you please?” — I poke him — “Try to make her happy, OK? If it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll know you did all you could? The rest will depend on her,” I finalize it.

I mean all I’ve said, yet I know there’s a hidden complaint in my last advice…

He asks me if we can change the upcoming dates of childcare so he can travel to the Bahamas with Ms. Newbie this week.

Right…

That explains why he wanted to talk. Haha!

“Yeah, let’s help each other,” — whatever — “But remember this later on, when it’s my turn to travel!” — I’m hoping there will be a plane crash…

…But no, that wouldn’t be fair to the other passengers. 🤣😅🤣

He thanks me, wishes me well and we hug good-bye. Lightly.

Do I love him or hate him?? It feels like I don’t know him anymore. As if I’m hugging a total stranger: 22 years have amounted to this eerie moment.

Surreal.

Doesn’t feel normal at all – so much to process.

Later.

Not now.

I’ll do that later.

That night I’m feeling a little annoyed. My ego is hurt and I have a serious change of heart: if Mr. Ex can fly to paradise and act like a teenager in love, I also get to have some fun and try out a few new things.

Staying single for a year? Ha! Ridiculous!

So, tim……….…ber with that plan.

No, Tin…der, here I come. 😊

Obs. Day 13 since moving out. New beginnings!

Chapter 2 – The Broken-Up Together Xmas

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Tuesday, 29 December 2015.

Day 9

Dear Diary,

How are you doing?

I am fine.

Really.

You doubt me?

Well, you know women – and you know me. If a fair amount of mood swings are normal within my cycle, just imagine now, under the present circumstances! Seriously. 🙁

It’s been a week since I moved out from Mr. Ex’s home.

Our last home together. Our last whole-family home.

Wholeness.

Were we whole together with so much abyss between us?

I am whole alone?

Yes, I am and will decisively remain so!

As for the latest news:

Remember how I told you Mr. Ex and I decided to celebrate our first Christmas party together to make it easier on Kristiina and Joey, our teens?

Christmas Eve went fine, thank God.

Phew.

Our traditional Finnish Xmas food was so delicious: smoked salmon; oven-baked ham encircled by prunes (served cold); gravy; rutabaga casserole; and creamy beetroot salad. Chocolates and lots of ice cream for dessert. Yummy!

We were all in an amicable mood and able to behave in a civil manner, giving each other nice gifts and friendly smiles, including Mr. Ex (!), who gave me a forty-euro H&M gift card, to my surprise.

I’m not fully buying it… Hmmm. Too good to be true?? Anyways… I feel that it’s better to keep the peace – and everybody wins.

Darling Lisa joined us from central Finland with her kids (the teens’ third degree cousins), as well as Ida, a kind of extra granny they have got. Varamummo, in Finnish.

Ah, how could I forget Joey’s illustrious puppy Jack Black, an adorable Jack Chi who loves to snuggle up, but is also strong-willed, playful, intelligent and, OMG, soooo cute?

The deal is he’ll live a week a month with me and the rest of the time with Mr. Ex.

“Oh, you want a divorce? OK. You take the dog three weeks a month. You know I won’t want to clean his white fur off my couch every day!”

Mr. Ex and I only live a km from each other, so it’s easy to see him if I ever miss him too much.

The dog, of course!!

As if…!

The next day – Xmas morning – the teens and I exchange a few more gifts and Kristiina’s makes me cry – literally – a wrought-iron hook with a heart on top for our new kitchen.

I’m so hooked on hooks, they’re so practical! Kris knows I adore them, and the fact that she really put in some thought into buying something she knew I would love made me very emotional.

Crying and laughing at the same time was so hilarious that she filmed the whole episode. (Maybe I’ll show you the clip someday).

I always remind Joey and his sister that even when we have little money, it’s still important to give a simple gift to the people who matter in our lives – at least if we’re going to spend a special occasion with them.

Birthdays and Christmases simply cannot go unnoticed. Nothing makes me feel more unloved than that… (I’m writing this with pouting lips)! 😏

Actions speak louder than words, after all. Don’t you agree?

It does not have to be anything expensive. For instance, you can think of something the person likes or something that could be useful.

Quality is key, so a small pack of Lindt chocolates, a piece of poetry, a drawing or home-baked cookies can do wonders. I honestly don’t care if the only thing I get is a pair of socks, as long as they are handpicked and, above all, presented with love.

Look into the receiver’s eyes and give them a heart-warming smile and a bear hug – and voilà!

The simple things in life. Ahh…!

They make me happy.

It doesn’t take that much in life…

OK, OK… I admit it.

People who know me the best find it super hard to buy me gifts. I have a reputation at home for thanking you for your present, then putting it into my gift supply box to give it on to somebody else in the future. I’ll confess my sins.

Just think about it: it’s ecological. If it’s something I know I won’t like, wear, use or need, why open it?? Everyone should do the same!

If you really want to be sure I’ll be the one to enjoy your gift, get me a box of eggs, a salad, or a pen and paper. A Chili Lindt dark chocolate bar. A car wash, a candle, good coffee, a Levi’s or Diesel jeans.

Or then a Light Coke. 😋 Ops! I’m trying to stop with my only vice – so maybe not!

Socks. Yes!! Socks… Someday I’ll share my life closely with somebody again (but it will have to be someone as cool as me), and we’ll give each other good socks for every birthday and every Christmas. One pair each.

And sometimes on a normal day too, just to be romantic. ❤️‍😍

And we are going to wear them all.

Obs. Day 9 since moving out. New beginnings indeed!

Chapter 1 – Separated Anna

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? The Prologue and Intro. 🙂

Sunday, 27 December 2015.

Day 7

Separated Anna has started to settle down in her new flat. It’s been three days since Xmas Eve and the teens have been with her since then. She’s feeling merry that they are spending time at their new place together.

She loves Kristiina and Joseph so much. Forever and for always!

“I love you guys too much… and not nearly enough!❤️‍” — is what she sometimes texts them.

Gosh, to heaven and back, to hell and back, and everywhere in between. Natural motherly love. Plain and simple.

Talking of feelings…

For the time being, all her tears have dried up. For now, she’s just focusing on making sound decisions: Keep your cool, Anna! Stay strong, try to find joy, be light, resilient and matter of fact.

Nonchalant.

Fight the low moods with sports and a healthy foods, Annita! Spend time with your teens, relatives and friends. Enjoy freedom!

OK, OK… If needed, cry a little. But not too often, please! — she rolls her eyes, annoyed — If Mr. Ex doesn’t want to be with me anymore, well, too bad for him. His loss – stupid man!

What do I care?

Anna has been through a thousand emotions in the last few months. Torrential tears, inexplicable laughter, numbness, rage, relief, doubt, heart-wrenching self-doubt. Just to name a few of the feelings that welled up from the most unbeknownst depths within.

Take the night she moved out of her home, for instance. It felt so horrible that she can’t bear dwelling on it. She won’t even allow me, the narrator, to further elaborate on that yet.

Unconsciously, Anna has postponed her final tears for the lost marriage to later on.

You actually can – willingly – push your grief into the unkonwn future. But warning! It will catch you there when you least expect it.

Anna’s storms are slowly brewing, the necessary mourning is still to come. Thunder and lightning – believe me! The narrator is here in 2017, so I already know everything that’s going to happen back in 2016.

This book will seek to relate to you the story of Anna’s attempts at self-reconstruction more or less in chronological order (perhaps with a few flash forwards and -backs).

Keep calm 👑 and Anna’s 2016 will be uploaded with novelty.

Sweet Lord Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Xmas donkey! 2016 will turn out to be a fun-filled year — sweet and full of passion — like she can’t imagine just yet.

Obs. Day 7 since moving out. New beginnings!