self-respect – The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcée

(Hey, You Guys!)

This blog is a book. Maybe better to read from the beginning? 🙂

Timeless, maybe.

Sidenotes To The Guys

My book has been called female-oriented. I don’t think I agree. I guess it depends on who you are and what you’re looking to find when you read me. Hopefully, you’re finding something worthwhile.

In my experience, many men are as sensitive – or even more – than the average woman. Romantic, meek, adorable – strong and wonderfully manly, at the same time.

Some men I know (and some new stranger-friends) are reading these chronicles and sending me comments – giving me all kinds of thought and emotion-provoking feedback. I really, really appreciate it, guys.

Thank you for your valuable input, your time and interest, your intelligence and depth. Thank you for letting our souls touch a little bit, as our journeys cross paths. The world should have more beings like you. I’m lucky to have if just a fraction – you’re heroes, and you make a difference! Like you can’t imagine.

But that was not what I intended for this chapter. This parenthesis.

So……….

Hey, you guys (as in Goonies)!

This book is not a How-to-Find-a-Lady-Online, nor a How-To-Understand-a-Tinderella kind of book. Nonetheless, if you’re attentive, you will capture some indirect tips in my writings. Dating, food for thought, some thoughts on being a decent human being…

Well, it all comes down to this.

Be human, yes, be flawed and powerfully vulnerable – by all means. Be yourself, but seek to become the best version of yourself – even if just one tiny step at a time. We won’t respect ourselves otherwise. I hear that progress equals happiness, and I agree.

(What’s our alternative? Growing older and sadder with time? A downhill trip to the grave? I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s meant to be).

Try. Succeed. Stumble and fall. Err and then dust off, chin up and repeat. A small step, but a small step in the right direction. It piles up and amounts to much. Get help, if needed.

(I often need help. Hugs + talking are the best kind!)

Whether you’re single and happy to stay so, or longing for a partner and all the love in the world. Whether you’re happily married, or in the process of deciding to divorce.

I’m sure that whatever the case, you want to feel alive, very ALIVE!

Vulnerable, yet mighty. Responsible, but true. You want to be gentle and loved and respected. And wild!

You want to be needed, missed and admired – to hug her and make her laugh, make her life happier and lighter (whoever the word ‘her’ represents here).

You thrive in having something to offer and living a purpose-filled life. And you have lots to give. We need each other.

Be true, be true, be true, darling. “To thine own self be true.” Go through the process, but get there, don’t give in. I believe in you.

If you were suddenly in your deathbed, would you say, “I wish I had lived a life true to myself – not the life that others expected of me. I wish I had expressed my feelings, and I wish I had allowed myself to be happier.”?

If not, you’re doing great. Yay!

And to those of you in hopes of finding a special gal (the same works for keeping her, I guess).

If you’re not ready for dating, don’t do it. Wait a little. Work on yourself. But when you’re ready…

Go for it 100%!

I can’t promise you the lady you like will like you back, but I can promise you this:

Women like attitude (without the arrogance). Women respond to self-confidence and self-respect. Remember to respect them, too.

Women like guys who are wise and cool and brave. Decisive. They know what they want and dare to try. Men who have the courage to give their best, put in the effort and risk rejection – even if it hurts. (Aren’t guys supposed to love adventure and uncertainty? Hunting? Battlefields? Conquering? A quest, a fair fight with dignity, any way??)

You don’t have to be James Bond, but when you decide to go dating/to keep the lady, don’t just be yourself – but your best!

Don’t do anything half-heartedly, with meager efforts, out of fear. Yuk!

You need time? Ask for it. Communicate.

It doesn’t matter if you’re super skinny or short, super fat or old or whatever. Kind of poor? I don’t care.

Have goals, be working on your goals. Going somewhere. Be affectionate – romantic sometimes. Don’t be mean. I think what she really cares about is the fact that you try hard – even though what you really want is to succeed.

Put on a great new-looking smart shirt or a casual outfit, wash your hair, trim your beard, back straight, smile! Treat her with respect and admiration. Listen to her a little more than you talk yourself. Care! Look into her eyes – practice eye contact. Be a perfect gentleman. Well-mannered, at least.

But dare to hold her hands in the second part of the date. To kiss her good-bye. Text her back soon! The world is quick nowadays, and if you dormir no ponto, if you give it too much time… If she’s really special – uh-oh!

Read her body language and watch out for the signs. Is she touching her hair as she looks at you? Leaning her head? Retouching her lip gloss? Is she touching your arm lightly? Is her smile genuine? Does she think you’re funny? Can you sense if you’re being smart and interesting in her eyes?

And what if you don’t like her? That’s OK, too. Others will. Just like there will be a person who will like you. Your unique self.

Change the game, but be a gentleman anyway. Don’t be a jerk – thank her for a lovely evening. Wish her good luck!

Leave your best impression wherever you go – be it a yes or a friendly no – and she’ll respect you for it. You’ll respect yourself. And that’s powerful!

(I respect all the times Mr. Ex was a good man. All the times he was true and vulnerable, a decent guy. The moments when he was his best. I’ll remember. And most of all, I respect him for not wasting any more of my time and daring to ask for a divorce. For finally making up his mind. Thank you, Pedro.)

If you’re not for each other, at least you did your part and treated her with dignity. Why would you regret that?

But don’t give her half-efforts, excuses or laziness, BS. You deserve to leave a better impression than that.

Your statement, your signature.

That’s just one girl’s very humble opinion. And I’m as fallible as you.

XOXOXOXO,

Anna

(And my real name to others).

Obs. Today I received this cute message. Here it goes for you, too:

Life is as passing as pain.

As beautiful as love.

As simple as me.

As important as you.

Therefore fight, forgive, love, conquer and enjoy every second of it.

If you have to choose between being happy or being important, choose being happy,

Because important you already are! 😊

Chapter 15 – Tinder Date #6

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Saturday, 23 January 2016.

Day 34

So, Luukas and I text.

How can we have this much in common?

He’s a teacher too – physics; his father is also a retired pastor; he’s divorced with adult kids; loves volleyball and running (well OK, he runs marathons – I struggle to jog 5km). Just as I have, he’s lived in Oulu, Jyväskylä, Porvoo and Stockholm, and lives in Helsinki now. And more.

He convinces Anna to call her up immediately. She’s intrigued and a phone call would be a first. Why not?

Oh, no! He sounds soooooo formal. And laughs exactly like Santa Claus, “Ho, Ho, Ho. Anna, you are so adorable! Ho, Ho, Ho.”

Still, he seems like a good person. Plus, he’s in very good shape, in his really blurry pic. So Anna decides to accept his invitation to have tea the next evening.

“Oh, Thank you, thank you. Ho, Ho. Where?”

🎅

She’s slowly started to feel that, when unsure, why go all the way to the other side of the center. Let them come to me.

She doesn’t tell him her neighborhood, of course, but suggests a gaming restaurant on Tyynenmerenkatu.

Day 35

On Sunday, after a pleasant day with a little jogging, she’s not feeling too excited, but still, when a human being gives you their precious commodity of time, the least you can do is get nicely groomed for the date and look as cute as possible. It’s a matter of respect.

Self-respect, mainly.

And what if he ends up being Mr. Boyfriend, huh? I don’t want to regret not showing up looking good.

Nothing over the top. Just the usual.

Shower. Hair, light make up. A casual outfit. A nice overcoat and a beautiful, fashionable scarf.

A sincere smile, self-confidence and eye-to-eye contact are anyone’s most important accessories.

Evening has come, and Luukas walks up to her on the dark street, blond, tall, handsome and… shy! Poor dear.

The restaurant is closed, so change of plans, and they go to the Little Big Café inside Verkkokauppa.

Anna can’t remember anymore all the things they talked about that day. She does remember, however, that he was timid, and…

… kept on talking about all the wrong topics.

(a) His upcoming unemployment and no stress in looking for another job.

Oh, my. His hair looks so oily. Didn’t he wash it for the date?

(b) His illnesses. The pain and discomfort.

This keeps getting better.

Hey, we all have our conditions, but please! Your charm, first.

Slowly. No hurry. A little mystery is good.

Hey you Mr. Wanted out there: win me over and then I won’t mind your brokenness. I have my share, too.

Skills, people, dating skills!

I’m here practicing mine. Hmm.

Oh, poor dear. You have good attributes, but why are you wearing a cheap, old-looking, hoodie? The color doesn’t suit you. It’s too small and has a couple of holes in it. It looks like a teenager’s hand-me-down.

From the last decade!

Dating is comical.

Saturday, 30 January 2016.

A week later, Anna goes to the Educa Messu, an education fair for teachers. Guess who she bumps into there?

Yes, him.

He gets all happy and excited to see her and grabs her hand, pulling her to see different stands.

Walking hand in hand, she panics on the inside and is shocked into passiveness. Wide-eyed.

Akward – does he think we’re on a date??

What if my teacher workmates spot us like this? Some don’t even know I’ve separated yet. They’ll think I’ve found myself a teacher-lover.

Help!!

She has the idea to seem deeply mesmerized by a pedagogical book displayed opposite them, and thus has to let go of his hands to flip its many, many pages. Phew.

He finds ways of grabbing her hand again, so she repeats the trick.

He finally stops taking her hand in his again and she feels better.

Anna has been fasting today and is feeling quite weak. The fair is over and Luukas invites her to have a hamburger at Sävel in Kallio. They’re on the tram and she’s feeling so weak that she goes there with him.

Ravenous!

Besides, she’s told him he’s nice, “But sorry, I realized I’m not ready for a relationship or dating yet.”

They have a chat about work while they dig into their burgers. He’s OK. And he gulps his beers.

Then, after eating he brings his chair – that has been safely opposite hers – to her side of the table. What the heck?

He hugs her and starts kissing her cheeks.

At a burger restaurant?? People are watching!

She shows him with her body language that she’s not interested, but he licks her ear and whispers, “I’m a very passionate man! Must be my half-Russian blood!”

“Sorry! Stop! I’m not ready.”

“Oh, Anna, you’re simply wonderful.”

“Thanks, but no. Thank you for your company. I’m feeling tired, so I really have to go now.”

Being free to go on dates feels exciting, but so far, eurgh, such bad luck!

They bump into other once more, when Anna is with Kristiina at Stadium in Kamppi. Anna introduces the two, and the three of them chat for a minute.

“Mom, he’s so handsome and nice!”

“Yes, he is. But he’s not for me.”

I’ll really have to do that research on how to politely let a man go.

Urgently!

Obs. He is nice, but there’s just no chemistry.