Monday, 8 February 2016.
During her lunch break at school, Anna sits down to scribble in her diary.
Long time no write! Sorry.
Look, I’m not feeling sad right now, but I forgot to write about something the other day – something important to me that I want to register here.
Awful word, but intrinsic in human nature.
I remember just last year, a month before moving out of our last home together…
I had already signed my rental apartment’s contract and was spending my afternoons and evenings looking for good deals to buy furniture and household appliances. That part was fun, tbh. I adore moving and decorating. I’m good at it!
I love looking for solutions. Hmm, should have been an engineer…
Anyways, the shopping kept me busy and focused on practicalities for the near future, instead of the immediate pre-separation…
As you can imagine, I was going through all kinds of feelings. I’d go from excitement and exhilaration to deep sadness.
Fearful hope, dreaded freedom.
The silent screams of my soul were pretty ugly. Good grief!!
Some say that people get divorced too easily nowadays, but I sincerely don’t believe that most take separation lightly. It’s an scary and painful experience. They say it’s like amputating a leg.
More like amputating a part of your heart.
With all our problems, we were together for 23 years. So, neither he nor I took it lightly.
I really wish we had divorced eight years ago, when he first made up his mind about it. We wouldn’t have wasted so much of each other’s time and would have avoided more excruciating heartbreak and some other drastic measures… Though I am grateful we were able to part in piece.
Ops! Part in peace!
Uh…Where was I?
Yes, during that pre-separation month, I’d feel relieved and then I’d feel anguished. Little did I know it was going to turn out to be a cruel kindness – what he was doing to me.
If only people knew! They’d divorce sooner.
But people with bad marriages fear. So, they make haste s…l….o…..w……l…….y…………..
They’ve got to go through the process to progress.
Yes! Be wise, don’t take it lightly. Prepare the way for a better future.
As I was saying… at times I’d cry in the shower. I’d let go and then hold on for dear life.
I’d love him with all my hate.
I’d agonize and think about betrayal.
I asked him once, “Do you already have somebody else?” All the signs pointed to that. He’d just answer and say, “Anna, I’ve already hurt you so much in this marriage. There’s no reason for me to hurt you more right now.”
Eurgh. Holy sinner – damned saint!
Hmm. Not unlike me…
Some church people judge him, but I respect him for not remaining a hypocritical chaplain in the end. For finally having the courage to be true to himself. And thus, give me my freedom to find love again.
As much as it hurts, it’s always better to deal with the truth. I’ll choose hearing and having to deal with the truth 90 out of 100 times. Ha!
The truth shall set you free – true – free to fly the amazingly dreadful flight of freedom. How can we make the best decisions for our own well-being without the truth?
But do speak the truth with love…
OK… Would it have been better to stay in the bad marriage and feel alone together?
♥️ I’d much rather be together alone someday. Just the two of us! Mr. One and me. ♥️
As I was saying… I’d cry in the shower thinking about betrayal. I felt so betrayed!
Yet, what was the betrayal??
Was it that he was possibly jumping in bed with another lady?
For me, the greatest betrayal was not that.
He fell in love. And I find love truly beautiful.
As Dr. Helen Fischer says, love is a powerful brain system, more powerful than sex drive. It comes from primordial parts of the brain – way below the cortex. It gives you the energy, the focus, ecstasy, the despair and the motivation. To win life’s greatest prize – a mating partner.
(Btw, she’s studied brain scans of couples who have been romantically in love after 21 years together. It can happen!)
Passion makes people climb the highest mountains and sail the raging seas. Romantic love inspires poets, musicians, commoners. The memories make people write books. 😇
Love is something that can cover a multitude of sins.
Then, what was the betrayal?
The betrayal for me was this:
How can he prefer not to have me in his life? To just erase me, swipe me out.
After everything. All the friendship. All the memories. All the battles, victories, photo albums and family memories. All the patience and forgiveness. All the support and growth.
All that investment in vain.
How can someone actually find they’re upgrading their lives by taking me out??? To think he’s better off without me than with me? Unfathomable.
I felt like garbage.
That actually felt like death.
A resurrection I should have welcomed.
Why not sooner then? It would have saved me some of my youth.
And what about our kids? They say divorce is harder on teenagers than children.
But no problem.
Now I know his cruel kindness was for my best, too.
A passionless marriage is not true. Holding on is just wishful thinking. Wasted years? I think so…
Men and women out there: pleeease do not hold on to someone who don’t love you. Please do not fear. You deserve to be loved with all of your lover’s flawed human heart. Everyone does.
But, silver linings, silver linings, Anna! Don’t get depressed now.
Everything happens for a purpose. Or at least you can give it a purpose and make it meaningful.
I sure am going to turn my pain into something beautiful.
In this long, long diary entry, my mind has been wandering everywhere – itinerant from place to place. I can break it down later, but I did warn you in the title.
And it does happen with pre-separation. Consider separating, do it, and your mind will thus wonder and wander while your heart rides that emotional roller coaster.
Long story short – finally!
More like amputating a part of your heart.
Hey, maybe a heart transplant!
A new heart? I like that.
I’m gonna think of divorce as an open-heart surgery from now on. Painful, risky, extreme. I’ll need time for convalescence… But not alone, please…?
The Divorce Paradox – a seemingly false, but significant step.
Anna, you’ll get a new heart – hope for a stronger one.
You’ll still retain your brain, your memories, your soul, your you. But you’ll have the chance to start over.
Bitter sweet. New beginnings. A crash landing? New-found grace.
And an opportunity to be true. To love again and do it much, much better.
© 2017 rf
Obs. Day 50 of an oxymoronic new life.