separation – Page 5 – The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcée

Chapter 42 – Under the Sun

Tuesday, 9 February 2016.

Day 51

Anna is spending the week with her teens. Always so lovely!

Her daughter Kristiina is 17 now and these are exciting times. She’s in the second year of upper secondary school, and her Vanhojentanssit is coming up.

Vanhojentanssit, that is, the Ball of The New Seniors, is a beautiful formal prom held in Finnish high schools to celebrate the passage of becoming the lukio seniors, the day after the third-year students stop attending to start studying for their matriculation exams in February.

They’re going to be fetching Kristiina’s long dress on Thursday. That’s something really nice to look forward to. Anna and Kris are going to have coffee somewhere and chat from the joy of their hearts and their amazing friendship.

Aww. Her little girl is all grown up now.

Oh, how the years fly!

Yes, this week Anna is spending quality time with her teens, but they’re teenagers. They don’t need her or even want to spend all their free time with her. An hour or two per evening seems to be more than enough for them these days.

There really is a time for everything under the sun…

Not going out on dates this week, but there’s a lot of time for chatting online. And dates set up for next week. Yay!

Thank God for hobbies and friends.

And for Tinder.

Obs. Day 51 of yay – life is good after all.

Chapter 41 – Oxymoronic Paradoxes

Monday, 8 February 2016.

Day 50

During her lunch break at school, Anna sits down to scribble in her diary.

Dear Diary,

Long time no write! Sorry.

There’s something I’ve been reflecting about and want to register here.

Betrayal.

Awful word, but intrinsic in human nature.

I remember just last year, a month before moving out of our last home together…

…I had already signed my rental apartment’s contract and was spending my afternoons and evenings looking for good deals to buy furniture and whatnot. (That part was fun, tbh. I adore moving and decorating. I’m good at it! I love looking for solutions).

Anyways, the shopping kept me busy and focused on practicalities for the near future, instead of the immediate pre-separation…

…valley

death.

As you can imagine, I’d go from excitement and exhilaration to deep sadness.

Agonizing joy.

Energetic exhaustion.

Blue fun.

Fearful hope, dreaded freedom.

Oxymoronic paradoxes.

The silent screams of my soul felt pretty loud to me, at times. Good grief!

Some say that people get divorced too easily nowadays, but sincerely? I don’t believe that most people take separation lightly. It’s scary and painful! They say it’s like amputating a leg.

More like amputating a part of your heart. :(((

For better or for worse, we were together for 22 years. Neither he nor I took it lightly, see? Even though it wasn’t ’til death – at the end of the end.

I wish we had divorced eight years ago, when he first said he wanted it. We wouldn’t have wasted so much of each other’s time and would have avoided more excruciating heartbreak and some other drastic measures (no comments)…

Nevertheless…

I am grateful we were able to part in one piece.

Ops! Part in peace!

Where was I?

Yes, during that pre-separation month, I’d feel relieved and then anguished. Little did I know it was going to turn out to be a cruel kindness – what he was doing to me (at least that’s my hope now).

If only people knew! They’d divorce sooner.

But people with bad marriages fear. So, they make haste s…l….o…..w……l…….y…………..

They’ve got to go through the process to progress.

OK! Be wise, don’t rush it too much. Prepare the way for a (better?) future.

As I was saying… at times I’d cry in the shower. I’d let go and then the next second hold on for dear life.

I’d love him with all my hate.

I’d agonize and think about betrayal.

“Do you already have somebody else?”

“Anna, I’ve already hurt you so much in this marriage. There’s no reason for me to hurt you more right now.” — The holy sinner – damned saint would repeat!

Not unlike me…

Some of the church people we know judge him, but I’ll respect him for not remaining a hypocritical chaplain in the end. For finally having the courage to be true to himself.

And give me my freedom to (try) to find love again.

(Maybe the painful journey of self-love first?)

It’s always better to deal with the truth, no matter the blow. I’ll choose hearing the honest truth 90 out of 100 times.

The truth shall set you free – true – free to fly the dreadful flight of freedom.

How can we make the best decisions for our own well-being without the truth??? People have no right to keep us prisoners of lies.

Nonetheless…

…”Speak the truth with love”.

Would it have been better to stay in the bad marriage and feel alone together?

♥️ I’d much rather be together alone someday. Just the two of us! Mr. Bf and me. ♥️

As I was saying… I’d cry in the shower thinking about betrayal. I felt so betrayed!

Yet, what was the betrayal??

Was it that he was jumping in bed with another lady?

For me, the greatest betrayal was not that.

He fell in love. O amor é lindo.

As Dr. Helen Fischer says, “love is a powerful brain system, more powerful than sex drive. It comes from primordial parts of the brain – way below the cortex. It gives you the energy, the focus, ecstasy, the despair and the motivation. To win life’s greatest prize – a mating partner”.

Aye, no!

(Btw, she’s studied brain scans of couples who have been romantically in love after 21 years together. It can happen!)

“Passion makes people climb the highest mountains and sail the raging seas. Romantic love inspires poets, musicians, commoners”.

Its memories make people write books. 😇

The Bible says love covers a multitude of sins.

Then, what was the betrayal?

The betrayal for me was this:

How can he prefer not to have me in his life? To just erase me, swipe me out.

After everything. All the memories. All the battles, victories, photo albums and family memories. All the patience and forgiveness. All the support and growth. All the emotions!

All that investment in vain?

How can someone actually find they’re upgrading their lives by taking me out of it??? His best friend for over half his life… To think he’s better off without me than with me? Unfathomable.

I felt like garbage. Rejection was the betrayal!

That actually felt like death. A resurrection I should have welcomed?

Why not sooner then? It would have saved me some of my youth.

And what about our kids? They say divorce is harder on teenagers than children.

Wow.

But no problem.

Now I know his cruel kindness was for my best, too.

A passionless marriage is not true for me. Holding on is just wishful thinking. Wasted years? I think so…

Men and women out there: pleeease do not hold on to someone who doesn’t love you. Please do not fear. You deserve to be loved with all of your lover’s flawed human heart. Everyone does.

Mutuality!

But, silver linings, silver linings, Anna! Don’t get depressed now.

Everything happens for a purpose. Or at least you can give it a purpose and make it meaningful.

I sure am turning my pain into something beautiful.

In this long, long diary entry, my mind has been wandering everywhere – itinerant from place to place. I can break it down later, but I did warn you in the title.

And it does happen with pre-separation. Consider separating, do it, and your mind will thus wonder and wander while your heart rides a scary merry-go-round.

OK, long story short – finally:

Divorce??

More like amputating half of your heart!

Hey, maybe I need a heart transplant!

A new heart? I like that.

I’m gonna think of divorce as an open-heart surgery from now on. Painful, risky, extreme. I’ll need time for convalescence… But not alone, please…?

The Divorce Paradox = a seemingly false, but significant step.

Anna, you’ll get a new heart – hope for a stronger one!

You’ll still retain your brain, your memories, your soul, your you. But you’ll have the chance to start over.

Bitter sweet. New beginnings. A crash landing? New-found grace.

And an opportunity to be true. To love again and do it much, much better.

Obs. Day 50 of an oxymoronic new life.

http://gtotd.blogspot.fi/2007/06/oxymoronic-paradox-wisdom-of-yogi-isms.html

Chapter 40 – I Simply Remember

Monday, 8 February 2016.

Day 50

And the lesson goes on.

“My dear 8C, now that you’re all awake… Your homework was to think about your favorite pastimes and such, writing a list with at least ten items. Who has done that?”

Hands go up everywhere.

Anna shows the class a video – My Favorite Things, from The Sound of Music – one of her favorite movies. And the boldest of her pupils sing along with her.

“🎶 I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad!”

Ah… Nice.

“Encouraging, isn’t it?” — she smiles.

“So, today your task is to be creative. Take your list of favorite things and transform it into beautiful art. A poster, a video, a play. The sky is the limit. If you’re not good at drawing, write a colorful list that will look great on the wall.

“You can also draw stick men, like I did.”

Anna told Christian (one of the nice Englishmen from Tinder), that she’s been working on this theme at school. He insisted she share her list with him – wouldn’t take no for an answer. So endearing! So she drew it for him.

How Anna loves feeling inspired with the silliest of things!

Now, she projects the images she drew on the smart board, hoping to ignite her pupils’ creativity. First, she wants them to speak up and practice their English.

“Hey look, here are my very own favorite things. Can you tell me what they are?”

ft1 – kopio

ft – kopio

ft2 – kopio

ft3 – kopio

Chatting with Chris has been so lovely. A mix of witty, smart, gentlemanly and flirty. Guys are a mystery, but it’s gradually getting warmer.

She drew him a couple of extra (burning hot) pastimes on the back side. 😍

Completely scratched over now, of course!

Hmm. We shall see…

Obs. Day 50 since moving out. Warm beginnings!

Chapter 38 – Staying

Sunday, 7 February 2016.

Day 49

Remember Frederick? One of the two Englishmen who have been writing daily?

It’s late and Fred and Anna have been chatting for an hour.

…One misses the companionship. And having someone to cuddle at night. After my divorce, at first I dreaded bank holidays as it meant a 3-day weekend.

But over time, you find happiness in yourself, and start to enjoy life again.

Exactly. 🙂 Life’s too short to waste, but we’re still quite young!

See the positives. A chance for new love and adventures.

True, true.

So, have you had any dates since the breakup?

Oh, I’ve been on quite many dates. But so far, I haven’t liked any Finnish guys.

Too dull?

Quiet. Private. Mysterious. No touching, no flirting, no hugging. Or worse: a kind of awkward don’t-touch-me-just-pat-me-lightly-in-the-back kind of hug. Even when they like you and want to see you again!

You?

I’ve had 6 1st dates (a few more with one of them).

6 or 61?

Just kidding.

🙂 But, I’m back on the market.

I had 9 business-like, friendly dates. Coffee, walking, chatting. It felt as though I was walking a little bit of their life journey alongside them. For the most, it felt authentic and valuable. Btw, all guys looked 5-10 years older in person.

But hey, you have some great pics!

All recent. I’ve got them done by a photographer friend of mine. Oh, did I mention that I’m shy at first?

Mine are recent, too. No. How come?

I’m just the kind of person that is worth getting to know. I have a great sense of humour, but it takes me time to warm up with people I don’t know.

I believe you. I have that feeling about you already.

I think you need a physical and mental attraction with someone.

Definitely. If chemistry is needed even for friendship – how much more so for dating and intimate relationships.

Without chemistry, there is nothing. You need to look into their eyes and see them sparkle.

Yes.

If you can’t get excited about the thought of waking up next to them, then it won’t work, no matter how many dates you go on. Or how long you try to stay together.

…Anna, we have to embrace being single. It’s fun.

You have a friendly face. And a great smile. And you seem talkative.

Haha. I have my quiet Finnish moments, too.

Sometimes I talk too much. I have so many cool stories to tell. But then I control myself and shut up.

Other times, I just enjoy being quiet. I admire the Finnish habit of feeling comfortable in silence, side by side. Small-talking is not a must.

Finns can ride a car together in silence and no one gets uncomfortable or offended. It’s not impolite.

In the UK, we fill the awkward silences by talking about the weather.

I love talking and listening to others. Asking questions. The interaction!

But then, when it’s my turn to drive (when carpooling with other teachers), I often wonder why women have to talk that much. When I’m just listening, sometimes I get the feeling 90% of what is being said seems unnecessary.

Silence here is uncomfortable. And I like people who are talkative.

Yes. But I have this artistic need to feel that what is being said has a deeper purpose – fun, important info, reassurance, appreciative words, support, love, emotions. Sharing something significant, etc.

Having said that, I also prefer people who like talking.

Yep. But the woman talks 60% and the man 40%.

I agree. Is that annoying for men? Be honest!

No. Women are natural talkers.

My dad talks more than my mom. But mom is the Finnish one!

I like talkative people, but some aren’t good listeners. They just focus on themselves.

That’s bad. It’s important to ask back. To listen.

So… what are you going to do after this chat?

You seem like a good listener, too.

I try.

Gonna chill out.

How do you like to chill out after work?

I play the guitar, read, chat to friends. YouTube. I don’t sing.

But you play! I don’t. I just like singing in the car, in the shower.

I’ve started to get better now. More time to practice after the divorce.

Frederick, I have to thank you so much for this lovely chat.

Monday tomorrow and I have to sleep my six hours. More later?

OK. Sleep well. Chat in the morning. Or later tomorrow.

Sleep well! Besitos.

You, too. X

Monday, 8 February 2016.

Day 50

Morning, Anna.

How was your commute to school. I get the feeling you have a long drive? My board games MeetUp is tonight. I’ll let you know what we play in the evening.

A few hours later.

Hi Frederick. Yes, you are good at deduction. I guess it’s those games of yours. My drives take over an hour, one way. But no traffic! Great roads and a beautiful countryside.

Glad that you’ll get to enjoy games later on. Let me know what you played.

I’m going to watch a movie with my son and going to bed early for a change! But only three lessons tomorrow. Yay!

I guess you live in the city but work in the sticks? Enjoy your early night!

They talk about work, kids, games. Sports, hiking. International friends. Blah blah blah.

I’ve done a long hike in Lapland. The Bear Trail. Have you heard of it? It has great infrastructure to stop to chill or camp, every three hours or so. Love walking!

Love jogging too, but I’ve been a bit lazy, lately. I play volleyball and go to the gym, too. A little fitter every year. What about you?

You must be very fit!

Unfortunately not. Definitely need to lose 4-6kg, but I’m sure I’ll eventually get there… Besides, I’ve had two c-sections. But that’s life.

I’m probably maintaining my current weight. Do need to push a bit harder, but working full-time and having the kids is grueling at the moment. My son’s football tomorrow, so busy day.

Oh, my teens are so big. We’re three independent souls here, who sometimes stop to spend time together.

I think I’ve got that to look forward to!

Later that night.

Hi Anna. Here are some ideas for you, since you’re newly-separated:

Travel

Visit a new city

Go to museums

Hiking 🙂

Start a new box set

Read a new book series

Find a new hobby

Cycle

Check out MeetUP

The way you’ve got to see it, divorce is sad, but it also gives us that opportunity to do the things we’ve put off and experience the chemistry of new love.

Learn guitar?

Oh, thank you! That’s so sweet.

Great ideas!

I love reading

Painting

Drawing

Writing

Meeting friends

Games

Movies with company (don’t really do it alone)

I’ve been considering a new language course. Italian? It would be my sixth language. And an easy one to learn.

Ah! Chemistry of new love would be the best.

New opportunities. You’re right.

P.S. 🙂How was football tonight?

Obs. Days 49-50 of stay! Now you know what you’re doing.

Chapter 37 – Why I Am Doing This

Sunday, 7 February 2016.

Day 49

Dear Diary,

Today has been a time for some reflection, and now in the evening I feel I want to scribble down some thoughts.

Turning 39 recently… the separation… our new flat… are the teens going to be OK?

Tinder! Eight dates, elation, fun, tears, peace, a little sadness, too. Prayer. Separation sure creates a merry-go-round of varying emotions.

Mixed feelings. But tbh, negative ones have been rare since November. Believe me if you will. More often than not, I’ve been content since I moved out.

I have the chance for a new beginning. It’s normal to feel sad, at times. Naturally. That’s life! But I’ve actually been quite OK for the most, and I won’t complain about that!

Hmm, my dad is telling everyone that “Anna is doing fine. She is so relieved.” He even posted that on FB. Haha. Face-palm.

I had enough suffering within the marriage, so now I’ve left the fights back there. Broken objects, too.

Let me be happy now. I am determined to!

(Yesterday was the first exception since November. I felt blue all morning, but strong again in the evening).

So……….

After a long delicious nap this afternoon, I decided to think about why I have been going on these dates.

Love it or leave it.

Tinder, that is.

I asked myself:

OK, what do I want?

Well, I believe in love! I love love. I love passion. I am a people person, very social. Prefer company. Besides, I have time in my hands. And lots of curiosity.

And a big heart, ready to love again. ❤️‍

What’s the hurry?

Oh, no hurry. After twenty-two years with the same man, it’d be crazy to be in a hurry to find another husband.

So, what are you looking for on Tinder now?

Well, that was what took me the longest to answer. But then I came to the following conclusions:

(1) In the short term, just meeting new people, socializing. Finding out who is out there. What kind of men are single and on the lookout. Long interesting conversations. A few new friends?

Yes, excellent. Nothing wrong, scary or desperate about that. 🙂

(2) In the medium term, I’d love to find a boyfriend. Life is definitely for sharing. And I’ve got so much love and affection to give!

I want to add value to a man’s life and heart. To his days. To his thoughts. And he must as much to me, too!

And finally, (3) In the long term…

…someday, if I’m really lucky. I hope to share my life closely with my Mr. One again.

Happy sigh!

Hey, one thing I know for sure: if he exists, he has already been born!!! 😂

He’s somewhere over the rainbow… 🦅

So, wherever he is right now, I hope he’s fine and looking for me too. Longingly.

Obs. Day 49 of stay! Now you know what you’re doing.

Chapter 36 – But Sunday’s On the Way

tiainen – kopio (2)

Sunday, 7 February 2016.

Day 49

The brass band plays during the morning service. It’s powerful!

Oh, so very touching!

Anna doesn’t attend too often anymore (it’s hard to look at the pulpit and remember Mr. Ex standing there singing, playing the guitar, bringing the Sunday sermon).

A decade of memories.

But she wanted to sit here this Sunday and just scrutinize her own soul.

Afterwards, she walks home in the chilly sunshine, listening to a Ted ed video called “Who am I?”

https://ed.ted.com/lessons/who-am-i-a-philosophical-inquiry-amy-adkins

“Who am I?

Throughout the history of mankind,

three little words have sent poets to the blank page,

philosophers to the Agora,

and seekers to the oracles:

‘Who am I?’

From the ancient Greek aphorism inscribed on the Temple of Apollo,

‘Know thyself,’

to The Who’s rock anthem, ‘Who Are You?’

philosophers, psychologists, academics,

scientists, artists, theologians and politicians

have all tackled the subject of identity.

Their hypotheses are widely varied and lack significant consensus.

These are smart, creative people,

so what’s so hard about coming up with the right answer?

The challenge certainly lies

with the complex concept of the persistence of identity.

Which you is who?

The person you are today?

Five years ago?

Who you’ll be in 50 years?

And when is ‘am’?

This week?

Today?

This hour?

This second?

And which aspect of you is ‘I’?

Are you your physical body?

Your thoughts and feelings?

Your actions?

These murky waters of abstract logic are tricky to navigate,

and so it’s probably fitting that to demonstrate the complexity,

the Greek historian Plutarch used the story of a ship.

How are you ‘I’?

As the tale goes, Theseus, the mythical founder King of Athens,

single-handedly slayed the evil Minotaur at Crete,

then returned home on a ship.

To honor this heroic feat,

for 1000 years Athenians painstakingly maintained his ship in the harbor,

and annually reenacted his voyage.

Whenever a part of the ship was worn or damaged,

it was replaced with an identical piece of the same material

until, at some point, no original parts remained.

Plutarch noted the Ship of Theseus

was an example of the philosophical paradox

revolving around the persistence of identity.

How can every single part of something be replaced,

yet it still remains the same thing?

Let’s imagine there are two ships:

the ship that Theseus docked in Athens, Ship A,

and the ship sailed by the Athenians 1000 years later, Ship B.

Very simply, our question is this: does A equal B?

Some would say that for 1000 years there has been only one Ship of Theseus,

and because the changes made to it happened gradually,

it never at any point in time stopped being the legendary ship.

Though they have absolutely no parts in common,

the two ships are numerically identical, meaning one and the same,

so A equals B.

However, others could argue that Theseus never set foot on Ship B,

and his presence on the ship is an essential qualitative property

of the Ship of Theseus.

It cannot survive without him.

So, though the two ships are numerically identical,

they are not qualitatively identical.

Thus, A does not equal B.

But what happens when we consider this twist?

What if, as each piece of the original ship was cast off,

somebody collected them all, and rebuilt the entire original ship?

When it was finished, undeniably two physical ships would exist:

the one that’s docked in Athens,

and the one in some guy’s backyard.

Each could lay claim to the title, ‘The Ship of Theseus,’

but only one could actually be the real thing.

So which one is it,

and more importantly, what does this have to do with you?

Like the Ship of Theseus,

you are a collection of constantly changing parts:

your physical body, mind, emotions, circumstances, and even your quirks,

always changing, but still in an amazing and sometimes illogical way,

you stay the same, too.

This is one of the reasons that the question, ‘Who am I?’ is so complex.

And in order to answer it,

like so many great minds before you,

you must be willing to dive into the bottomless ocean of philosophical paradox.

Or maybe you could just answer,

‘I am a legendary hero sailing a powerful ship on an epic journey.’

That could work, too.”

She smiles.

Now, the second part of her Sunday Soul Service has been completed.

Who is Anna?

I am the compelling heroine of my own adventurous soar.

Yes, indeed!

Dear, dear.

Dearest me…

…your who has been shredded into bits in the last years, hasn’t it?

You must piece it all together again!

Do rediscover yourself, darling.

Deconstruct.

Reconstruct.

Become a stronger version of who you are and aspire to be.

Just… don’t lose the sweet, warm parts of yourself in the process. OK, little one?

Obs. Day 49 for the Mighty Little One.

Chapter 35 – Saturday Blues

Saturday, 6 February 2016.

Day 48

Morning comes and she’s feeling blue. Anna just needs some answers.

Who am I??

What do I want now?

What am I seeking?

Why am I doing this again??

Yes, why?

What the heck is the hurry, huh??

What is wrong with you, stupid Anna???

Tears are rolling down like a river, as she lies in the darkness of her bed.

She calls Mr. Ex.

Not concerning their past marriage, no!

I hang on to people, but then when I move on, I really move on.

Not concerning him. Just about herself. Who am I? What’s going on?

Pedro and Anna have spent over half her life together. He may not love her as his wife anymore, but she knows he cares about her as her best friend and the mother of his children. She has no doubt that he wishes her well, too.

Just not with him.

He listens in no hurry, feels her pain, comforts her. Tells her it will be alright. Talking with him is so easy.

She feels better.

Obs. Day 48 since moving out of Mr. Ex’s home – their last home together.

Chapter 33 – Empanadas de Kebab

Friday, 5 February 2016.

Day 47

🎶 The girls need a break, tonight we’re gonna take
The chance to get out on the town
We don’t need romance, we only wanna dance
We’re gonna let our hair hang down 🎵

Do I really?

“You look good, Anna.” — The surgeon arrives and gives her a hot kiss.

She’s not wearing a dress, high heels… Nor red lipstick. She is looking pretty in her own way, thank you very much.

They go and sit down in the second row of the movie theater. Anna’s sister and niece on her right side. Ümit on her immediate left. And next to him, his daughter and Sabri, her fiancé. All united for the Avant Premiere and the spilling of Ümit’s guts.

A typical date. 😁

Very curious to learn about his life…

The documentary starts. The lights are dimmed and Anna can sense the surgeon’s nervousness.

He grabs her hand for support. It’s cold and he’s shaking like a wet puppy. Poor doggy. She smiles and assures him that it will be alright – pressing his hand affectionately.

In the very first minutes of the show, there’s a scene in which the surgeon’s daughter is assisting him in filling an online dating form. So, right at the start and Anna already discovers about his preferences in women. Funny.

Everybody in the theater laughs heartily during the show. Well done! Talented director.

The documentary portrays him as a strong-willed, stubborn, funny, hardworking man. A loving/controlling father, whose daughter finally moves to Turkey to have breathing space, connect with their relatives there and grow as a person.

Anna can feel how they love each other immensely. She is happy for them.

Reader dear – yes you! No need to tell you much more, because if you’re the curious type, I’m sure you can easily google up this documentary, using just your brain a few key words.

Flashforward to October 2017 and Anna’s at the cottage again, one of her favorite places on Earth.

Writing.

She calls Ümit from there. She wants to ask for his permission to write about their dates, since he can potentially be recognizable.

“How are you, Anna? — he asks with his sexy accent and warm style — “Have you remarried?”

“Oh, not yet,” — she laughs — “but I did fall in love last year…”

“Really, tell me about it!”

“That’s why I’m calling you, tbh. I’m writing a book…”

“Interesting…” — he comments. With a rising, curious, investigative pitch in his friendly voice.

“It’s about the experience of being a woman, a mother, an ex-wife, a teacher, a friend… A vulnerable, yet strong human being. Someone who, though brokenhearted, still has the courage to believe in new love. She needs to deconstruct and reconstruct herself. She just needs to find out who she is now. And she joins Tinder and, voilá, you’re one of her dates. Number 9. Just 46 days after her separation.”

“Wow, you were quick and active!”

“Oh, I met Mr. Boyfriend a few dates after ours. Actually, just a few days after meeting you, as well.”

“Haha. Good. And is he from Finland??”

“Well, you’ll have to read the story to find out. You know how poker-faced, mysterious and slow Finnish guys can be, don’t you? But I won’t reveal anything at this point.

“So… I’ve reached the chapter where it’s time to write about meeting you. And… our dates were so different from the others. Really fun (well, mostly), that I’d rather not change them too much, if that’s OK…?

“You know, I was lonely and I direly wanted some fun that evening. You distracted me. I needed that!”

“Good, good.”

“I can change many details in my writing. For example, if you want I can say you came from abroad to Helsinki for a medical conference. We matched, and you took me to the conference gala as your +1. A gala where you were going to give a speech and receive a prize? What do you say?”

“Hmm. Let me think for a second. Maybe you could just change my name and my city? Now I’m seeing a nurse, but at the time I wasn’t seeing anyone. We were both single, we had a good time. So…”

“Yes, and I want to describe all the positive stuff.”

“Yes. You do that. It’s your story. Write from your heart. Maybe I can proofread before you publish it?”

“Yes. And do send me a Turkish name you’d like? On WhatsApp?”

Ding!

Anna receives some suggestions to choose from. As well as…

Write briefly about our night ending with talks about religion.

Did it happen? Remind me please. Tell me what you remember and I’ll use some of it. Co-author. 🙂

I remember feeling excited! Let’s meet and reconstruct it all again?

Funny guy! Now I know why I had such a great time with you!

Seriously!

Hmm. I’ll think about it.

Ümit says he could be a gynecological surgeon in the story. What else? Anna emails him the previous chapter and he likes it. He’s quite flattered and wants nothing changed. I told you he likes the spotlights. Artistic man!

But now, back to Day 47 and our second date…

Ümit is being interviewed on stage after the documentary. He looks pleased. And relieved.

Anna’s sister congratulates him and leaves with her daughter. It’s late. Anna and Ümit walk to the cocktail celebration hand in hand.

There, she meets his people.

This is a very Turkish-South American kind of date. Extended family?? Friends. Ex-wife and her lover! Workmates. The whole bunch.

Bring the kebab already. Empanadas de queso, por favor!

Noisy. Warm.

“Anna, in a couple of years, you will already have raised your teens and we will travel the world together! I’ll buy an apartment in Rio – sea view – and we’re moving in together. OK?”

Hours later, after much kissing and some grabbing, Ümit opens his heart a little. He’s looking a bit sad.

“Anna, I have everything. A career (I’m a good surgeon)! A wonderful daughter. Money. Trips.

“A documentary!

“What’s the meaning of life? Where will happiness come from? Does anything make sense?? What about this big void? What else is there?”

“Oh Ümit.” — sigh — “Those things are all good. You are so privileged!

“Still, I believe that only God can fill our deepest, biggest void.”

“But I don’t believe in God. Isn’t money the god of this world?”

“Well, are people really fulfilled with money, careers and all that stuff?”

“No.”

“So there, you see?

“I’ve had lots of problems and suffering in my life. Everyone suffers in different ways sooner or later, sadly enough. I don’t know where I’d be without my faith in God and the strength I get from it. He is the one who fills my void, ultimately.”

“Really?”

“Yes, and if you want, we could pray…”

He closes his eyes, they hold hands and Anna prays with him. For them.

“Anna, it’s late. Let’s sleep now.”

No! She wants to go home and sleep in her own bed. He walks her to her car, like a gentleman.

Day 48

The next afternoon, he calls her up.

“Anna, let’s meet! Let’s spend the day together. I like you!”

She is feeling a little sad. — “No, Ümit. I don’t think we’re right for each other.”

“Ah, come on. Let’s make each other company, have some fun!”

“Thank you, but I think we’re looking for different things in life. You want company and I’m looking for a relationship.”

“Eurgh. Why do women always want to define things? Can’t we just have a good time? I could send you a plane ticket. We could travel together. I’ll cook for you!”

“Ümit. I admire you!

“You paint your own house and plant your own apple trees. You cook like a true chef – I’ve heard. You seem to be a very loving father – raised your daughter alone. While studying Medicine in Finland.

“In Finnish!!

“Becoming a good surgeon in a country like this. That’s impressive.

“But… you smoke, you swear, you like to party hard? I think we’re just too different… Besides, I’m a little angry at you!! So… friends?”

“Thank you! Haha. OK, let’s be friends. Yes.”

“And I think you’ve achieved so much! You could find lots of purpose in helping others with what you have to offer.”

They discuss that for a bit and he gets excited. He says he could start a social project to support single dads. I’d be proud of him if he did that!

There’s a time for everything, but Anna believes that if we’ve been given any strengths and special advantages in life, they’re not to just be used for our own benefit alone. We should try to relieve people’s pain with it. Protect the vulnerable. Help the weak. Bless the needy… Make someone’s life a little happier?

Yes, that’s our main purpose in life.

Now, remember the cat?

Well…

…You’ll just have to keep reading. 🐱 Yes?

The gory details. Are you curious? Do you want to know?

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Only day 47 of does everything happen for a reason?

Chapter 32 – Tinder Date #9

Thursday, 4 February, 2016.

Day Sorry, I’m a little Tipsy.

So, where were we?

Ah, yes.

It’s 6 p.m. that very same evening. An uneventful evening, it’s turned out to be.

Anna’s feeling pretty as she unlocks her door and enters her flat – soaring with stonewalled energy…

🎵 I was going out tonight, but still feeling alright…🎶

What am I supposed to do?

She has a big glass of water and goes to her couch. The apartment is warm and nice. Tidy. No chores to do. She stretches her legs, placing her feet over the coffee table – an old rough chest she’s added wheels to.

Not tired in the slightest.

Ah, I can’t believe I’m here alone!! Free on a Thursday evening!! Eu#r&gh&!!!

And feeling lonesome for a moment, just wanted to have a good time. And nothing?! Seriously?? Humft.

Don’t feel like watching TV.

Anna grabs her phone and starts swiping.

A minute later – literally – and there’s a match. He starts chatting. She checks his profile out.

Mm, good looking.

Such spirit in his eyes.

Oh, he claims to be a doctor. That means smart – and I like smart.

Hmm, foreign name?

Ah, I’ll just google him.

Yes, there’s a Ümit gynecological surgeon in Helsinki. Yep. His photo on google pictures. Let’s see, here’s his clinical practice…

Hmm, I wonder where he’s from?

…I’m from Turkey, btw.

Anna, come and have a drink with me? I’m here at Casa Largo. You know the restaurant? Just arrived. Are you busy? Let’s meet!

Oh, really? That fast? So different from Finnish guys.

Really? Sounds fun, but we’ve just chatted for two minutes.

Literally.

Come on. Are you near? If you have time, it would be nice to meet. Why not? Shall I send you a cab?

That’s crazy, but I do like his attitude.

I don’t know. How about a phone call first?

He gives her his number. She thinks for a second.

Ah, what’s the danger? A drink with a surgeon in a central restaurant?

She calls him up.

His voice is nice, masculine, fun. There’s a beautiful foreign accent in his English. Kind of sexy.

You see, Anna’s an English teacher and she a-d-o-r-e-s foreign accents and World Englishes! Indian English, Nigerian English, Korean English. They’re all cool.

She even tells her pupils, “Speak with an accent – even a strong one. Rally English! But do speak. It gives you personality. It tells me a little of your history. And, hey, can you imagine if Antonio Banderas spoke American English without a Spanish accent? How boring would that be, huh? He would lose half his charm…”

But she could die for a boyfriend with British English.

Sigh, sigh. Hugh Grant! 😍

Uh…Where were we again?

Ah, yes.

This Turkish doctor’s so lively. Warm.

Ops. I missed a thing or two he said – daydreaming here. He does sound very convincing, though, doesn’t he? Self-confident. Mmm. I’m hypnotized.

“Ümit, I’ve never accepted a date like this before – before chatting a few times and getting to know the person a little better first…”

“Ah, come o…”

She interrupts him, “But, I happen to be ready – just came home – and I just happen to have time tonight.

“I’ll humor you, go with the flow. Will come by bike and… see you in half an hour?”

“OK, great! I’m very glad. Meet you at the bar, Anna.”

Now she’s sitting opposite him at his table. The place is crowded. Loud chatter, everybody well dressed.

Wow, I didn’t know this many people went out on Thursday evenings.

I guess they’re like me? Divorced? Teens quite raised? Time in their hands?

What is this?

Ümit is talking, smiling, looking deep into Anna’s eyes. Sweet. Already? Haha.

🎵 The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun 🎶

He’s fun!

He’s wearing a casual blazer and a nice shirt. His hair is more grayish than in the pics. Ah, but that’s no surprise. Her previous eight dates looked older than in their photos, too. Most of them much older.

I guess guys are just not into having their pictures taken, like us ladies. Not that into their looks – which is good.

Hmm, I wonder if I look older in person, too? Gotta find that out.

Probably.

Ümit is making her laugh, he’s so energetic. Very smart. She’s finally having some fun again.

Finally!

That’s what I’m talking about, baby.

It’s distracting. Comforting.

“Anna, what would you like to drink?”

“Oh, just water, please. I don’t really drin…”

His turn to interrupt her, “But tonight you’re drinking. — he says decisively — “What shall I order?”

“OK…” — maybe just a sip.

She tries to think of any drink names she can recall — “Maybe a caipirinha, then…?”

He goes to the bar and comes back with a caipiroska for her. Apparently, they don’t make caipirinhas in Finland. How would I know? I’ve never bought a drink before.

Hmm, it’s delicious.

“You have such beautiful eyes, Anna.”

Sweet-talker. She smiles. Cute.

Just a little flirty – like in South America. I like that.

And they’re sitting there smiling, animated. The chat is quick, witty. She’s entertained – and sure. He can feel it.

A couple approaches them and stands by their table. It takes a minute for Anna to realize they remain standing there, frozen. Just looking down at them.

What the heck??!!

Anna looks up to see a beautiful, foreign-looking, brunette young woman, accompanied by a smartly dressed young man, a bit fairer than her.

They’re just staring at us… because…? Why aren’t they saying anything? Do they want extra chairs?

Anna looks at the doctor. He’s quiet. Calm. No stress.

Everything’s good.

She looks up at the good-looking couple again. Oh, the woman looks so serious. Angry? The guy has a relaxed smile.

What’s going on?

The doctor finally chuckles saying, “Anna, this is my daughter Patricia and her fiancé Sabri.” — and looking at them — “Sit down, do sit down with us.”

Say what…?? Family date?

Was this planned??

Getting more fun by the minute.

“Nice meeting you, too.” — Anna responds, trying to figure it all out — “Are you staying in this hotel? Do you live in Helsinki, too?”

“No,” Patricia says. “We live in Turkey. We’re just here for the Avant Premiere of my documentary tomorrow.”

“Really? Wow. Impressive. Congratulations! What is it about?” — Anna wants to know.

“Hahahaha.” — they all laugh — “It’s about my complicated relationship with this difficult man here,” — she waves her hand in his general direction — “My father.”

Anna joins their hearty laughter. Way more entertained than I bargained for. And turning her gaze on him. The old devil’s looking very pleased.

I bet he likes the attention. The spotlights. Artistic like his daughter?

“…And if you come to Finnkino’s DocPoint Festival tomorrow – I’ve got tickets – you’ll learn the whooole truth.”

Haha. Do I want to??

Yes.

Later, her curiosity will kill her cat.

Anna remembers something she read online.

“Ohhh, I just realized.” — Anna exclaims — “A friend of mine posted a recommendation for your documentary on her Facebook yesterday!” — and she quotes — “‘All of you who live in Helsinki, you’ve definitely gotta watch this. I can’t, but don’t miss it. Article below.'”

“Show me that FB post, will you,” Patricia asks me intrigued.

I open it and, “No way! Katja? You know Katja? She’s my best friend!” Patricia exclaims.

Small world. What are the odds? Turns out the mutual friend Katja, who posted the article about the documentary, is Patricia’s best friend from high school and Anna’s best friend from university.

Small Finland – indeed.

“Wait, I’ve just gotta text Katja! Let’s take a selfie together. Here.” Smiles. Click.

Patricia sends Katja the selfie on WhatsApp with the message, “Check this out. You won’t believe who’s on a Tinder date with my father!”

No, she definitely won’t.

Ops.

Tinder and Anna??

Noooo.

You see, Katja knows her from the time Anna was working in church.

And married with the pastor.

They sang together in the gospel choir. Alto, both of them.

“No way. Impossible!” Katja replies — ringing Anna up two days later to hear all the gory details about the cat’s death.

Ah, where are Sabri and Ümit?

Smoking outside? Hmm.

Patricia takes her leave. She’s going to a Directors’ Gala.

“Anna,” the surgeon says with a voice that carries a mix of affection and lively sensuality, “Are you hungry? Let’s have dinner, the three of us.

“I’ll treat you. Let’s go to the other side, to the restaurant.”

Anna’s still sipping her caipiroska. A little food would be good. She’s feeling a bit lightheaded.

Tinder, tinder. Unpredictable.

Anna sits on Ümit’s left, opposite his son-in-law, an artist. The sirloin steak tastes muy esquisito and a second caipiroska has just materialized.

They chat about careers, art, religion, South America, Turkey, politics.

Trips. The future. Finland.

But every ten minutes or so, Ümit stops whatever he’s doing – a bit dramatically – he turns towards Anna, looks deep into her eyes and says, “Now let me swim in the green sea of your eyes for a little while.

“Ahhh. Sigh. That’s better.”

She just giggles. It’s nice to get some warm attention after such a long time.

“Tomorrow evening, Anna, you’re going to be my date in the Avant Premiere.” — he decides, and then asks — “Would you do me the honors?

“You’re going to wear a dress, high heels and red lipstick. Loose hair.”

“Is that so? Says who?” — Anna teases him.

“Please, I’m a bit nervous. Be nice to me. They’re going to expose my life for the whole world to see. Come and support me with your company…

“Please?” — puppy face.

“Yes,” I promise. “But I’m bringing some people, too – your daughter gave me three tickets – so… behave!!”

He keeps diving into her eyes from time to time. Out for a nice swim. Then he turns back and kisses her fully. French kissing, like in the movies.

Ohhhh! Great kisser. Mmm.

But what if someone I know sees me through this enormous window?

OMG, I’m in full display here. Workmates? Some church people?

Whatever. They’ll just have to take the shock and accept it. I’m now a free woman.

Doing nothing wrong!

🎵 Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman! 🎶

What if Mr. Ex is walking the dog and sees me???

She kisses him back. A long delicious kiss.

Mmmm.

What? He’s very bossy with the waitress.

And then whispers some spicy words into Anna’s ears.

He’s quite bossy with me to, come to think of it. I’m amused.

“Gosh, a few minutes to midnight! I wake up at six.

“Gotta go. Thank you, Ümit, I had a great time, ” — Early school morning tomorrow. — “I’ve really gotta go.”

“Thank you again for the lovely dinner. Bye!

“See you tomorrow, dear.” — hot kiss is his reply.

Obs. Day Sorry, I’m a little tipsy.

Chapter 31 – Nothing Much

Thursday, 4 February, 2016.

Still Day 46

Nothing much.

It’s 6 p.m. that very same evening. An uneventful evening, it turns out.

We’re too different. Apparently he needs to sleep early and I go to bed late…?

Anna’s looking pretty as she turns the key and enters her flat – soaring with stonewalled energy and frustrating expectations.

🎵 I was going out tonight, still feeling alright…🎶

OK, I practiced some dating skills. Not a complete waste of my time, then… An OK guy – this Riku.

Yes, it’s been only a month of Tindering and she’s already been on 8 dates.

Forty-six days since moving out, since the separation. Hmm… Out of their last home together… It’s just Mr. Ex’s now. And the teens’.

And God knows who else’s?

Oh, cringe!

Hurtful bleeding bloody ouch.

Stop.

That’s a ridiculous understatement.

Grotesque.

How about this?

From last June to January, Anna has at times felt lunged at, knocked down, assaulted by fate. Stabbed with a knife that life has “thrust, jabbed and skewered” her lovable heart with – until near death.

Sigh. She knows she’s not a victim, and takes responsibility over her choices, mistakes and actions…

Still, I can’t help how I feel!

Well, I’ll tell you this. If you ever find yourself in this same predicament, there’s just one thing you should do. One.

Forgive.

Now.

Full stop. Categorically.

Move on. Just move on.

Bless him; wish him well – you won’t regret it. For the teens. Co-parent like Mary Poppins would.

Don’t you dare dwell on loss. Onward march! You deserve it. Be really happy. Abundantly. Survive at all costs. Stay resilient. Think selfishly of yourself too, now. Have loads of fun. As much as you can. Look at the bright side, at all the perks. Raise that dopamine, but be safe. Don’t be alone. DO NOT ISOLATE YOUR SOUL. Hug all your friends and relatives. Let them splash their affection over you. Take care of your kids. Love them with all your being. Let the tears roll down sometimes. But laugh out loud much, much more. Infinitely more. Watch lots of comedies. New hobbies? More volleyball please. More jogging. New friends? Please, maybe find a good guy. Believe he’s out there. Someone who wants you, sees you. A nice person. A powerful healing embrace. Chemistry. Just do it, come on. Postpone the frightening mourning, the deathly grief. Don’t you feel lonely tonight.

Quick!

Urgently Suffer Later.

L-a-t-e-r.

When you’re stronger.

That’s what Anna’s doing, anyways.

And the only way to go if you’re sane.

Sigh.

This whole separation thing is so very recent.

Deep in her heart, Anna has no doubt – whatsoever – that it’s for the best. The very fairy best.

It will most certainly turn out to be a super clear, mega blessing in disguise – eventually. There were just too many things they couldn’t take anymore. Betrayal. No attraction. No romance. Twenty more years of friendship? Nobody deserves that. To please society, the church?? Don’t you want more?

Honesty!

Honestly…

One

Life

Live.

They were over each other. They lost faith?

It’s not that…

So, what is it, then?

What is there to be sad about? Why can’t Anna just enjoy a peaceful pleasant home-alone Thursday evening? “Read a book, relax!”

Well, fathom this for a second.

I can’t!

Your recent home – now previous…. The place where your teens are spending this very evening with their father… The place that you’ve recently redecorated in style and with the loving work of your hands…

Where you hung the curtains you’d just sewed… The place you cleaned and decorated for Christmas just fifty days ago…

The place where your youngest child is probably devastated, hurting, missing you – feeling “Where the heck is mom and why isn’t she here?” …Trying to be brave to pull through… The place your own family lives without you two weeks a month…

Oh my God.

After two decades of making a house a home – with love, with passion. With joy. And lots of human imperfection… History.

That place…

…Is a place where you’re no longer expected. You’re not really welcome there anymore.

So… nothing much.

Just that.

Obs. Still day 46 since moving out.