determination – Page 3 – The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcée

Chapter 57 – Who I Am?

Wednesday, 17 February 2016.

Dichotomy.

Not the sun – just thy moon?

I’m a lover – I’m beloved.

I am fun, I am old.

Woman, sister, mom and daughter,

I am scared, I am bold.

I’m not bitter, I am sweet!

I’m a lady,

Bittersweet.

I’m determined, I am flawed,

I am awed by thee.

I’m his Ex, I am deep,

I am active, I’m asleep.

I am happy, ugly, heavy.

I just want to leave.

I am light, I am dark,

I am gracious, I am marred.

I’m a birdie, I am barred.

I am patient, restless, pretty –

Just thy wild card.

North and south,

Kind and blind.

Just a girl,

I’m a friend.

I’m just tired –

I will end.

I am loyal, I betray:

I’m a sinner, I’m a saint –

I’m forgiving, I’m forgiven,

Though now drained.

Hot and cold (not really)

I’m a teacher, so silly!

I’m a playful mystery…

I am strong, I give up,

Direly need thy hugs.

I am human – there you go.

You won’t judge me,

So I’m told.

I am crazy, I am biased.

Fired up,

Wise, wired and hooked.

I am Tinderella Anna.

I’m thy secret, open book.

Obs. Day 59 of who am I’s?

Chapter 56 – Uh-Tinder Date #13

Tuesday, 16 February 2016.

Still Day 58

The Canadian and Anna sit at a café in Ruoholahti and try to chat. She is good with words and can talk to just about anybody about a thousand things, but somehow it feels these two have nothing to say to each other.

Real awkward silences fill their uh-awkward attempts.

They sip their tea and look around.

Uh… he looked a little chubbier in his pictures and where has his lovely beard disappeared to? Hmm.

This thin man’s face is clean-shaved. Are they even one and the same guy? Haha.

He tells her his daughter and his motorbike live in England. Uh… He himself owns a business in Hakaniemi. Uh… Would she like to ride his motorbike back from England with him.

Uh… Not sure! Well, at least we wouldn’t have to chat.

Uh… would she like to go to the movies with him after his England trip?

“Uh… Maybe, let’s see.”

Even looking at each other feels oddly awkward. Uh… Maybe Anna’s just sleepy and not feeling like her normal self today. She’s too much inside her mind, too little in her heart?

He seems like a perfectly nice guy – minus the sparks. Where are the sparks? Where are the sparks?

Finnair-flying here from Germany soon?

Ding! Fingers crossed, fingers crossed.

After she thanks him and leaves, she sits in her car in Citymarket’s parking lot and thinks about everything.

Ah, it’s kind of cool to go on all these dates. (I don’t know where people get the idea that Tinder is promiscuous. Well, I guess it depends on how one uses it)… Meeting new people and finding out who’s out there…

People are curiously fascinating. Ha! It’s like conducting my own field work in social studies/divorce-and-back-to-dating-near-your-forties research.

Well, as long as there’s respect and honesty, no waste of time.

Humpf.

#12 was a waste!

She reads Christian’s messages and then calls her mom.

18:33 Hello! Been in bed all day. 😊 Just got up. Feeling a bit better, thankfully! Plenty of water, hot drinks and paracetamol for me tonight. Hope you had a nice day.

Thanks for the pictures. I love Helsinki. It’s the perfect-sized city – you can walk everywhere. Never seen that cottage though. Love nature. Especially covered in snow! 😊

18:43 😊😊 Calling my mom now. Maybe I’ll talk to you later?

“So… how have this week’s dates been going?” Riittaa inquires happily even before saying hello.

Come to think of it, mom hardly ever says hello – jumping right into the matter at hand.

“Oh, mom. So interesting! Blah, blah, blah…

“…But I can’t help but feel quite excited with the Englishman I’m going to meet on Sunday. He seems to be well-mannered and smart. But not in a boring way… Blah, Blah….

“You know, today I told him I don’t know if I’m ready for dating yet. And he had such a respectful, mature response. Blah, blah…

“He’s always like that. Blah, blah, haha.”

“Yeah, I have a good feeling about this Englishman, too.” — Riitta is a woman of straight-to-the-point-just-the-necessary amount of words.

Quite a character – I just love her – funny and devoted and 100% her sui-generis self.

“Though he sent a horrible selfie today! Haha. But I don’t care. All the men I’ve met so far have turned out to be quite different in person, anyway.”

10 years older, 10 kg heavier, 10kg thinner, no beard, no smiles, no normal eye-to-eye contact, nicer clothes, shorter, you name it.

“I’m starting to think this gender is just not into their looks – to them, the world of selfies is from another universe – at least the men from my generation.”

“Yeah, meet him in person and then you’ll see.” — mama agrees.

,
21:01 Hello. Cough cough splutter. 😊 Hope you are keeping healthy. Maybe I should have been a teacher and eaten lots of apples?? I went back to bed. This is my first cold in ages. Hopefully a long sleep and I’ll be back to normal.

Hope you had a nice call with your mum. Does she live nearby? Wish I had the energy to write act III of that story we started. The cottage gave me some good ideas.

And your nice pictures. 😊

21:21 Hi, yes. I had a great chat with mom. She lives in Tampere, about 180km from here. Comes to Helsinki once a month. Dad, less often.

So sorry you’re feeling worse. 🤒🤧 Just stay in bed from now till Sunday morning and you should feel better. 😊

Unless you need antibiotics. Sometimes it’s good to check that it’s not angina, right? Look into your throat and see if there are any white spots around. If there are, you’re only getting better on meds.

21:27 Happy you liked Helsinki! And it’s not even my favorite city in Finland… Tampere, Oulu and Jyväskylä are better in some ways.

21:31 I hope you’re sleeping to recover. And if you do recover enough to come to Helsinki…

…we can just play a game at my place – do something non-tiring. Maybe I’ll let you lie under a cover to watch a movie and just take it easy. Let’s see.

21:36 Ahhh, that’s very kind. I am very much looking forward to seeing you on Sunday. I’m sure I’ll be fit and well by then. 😊 Movie, games. Sounds like a good day! Nice and relaxing.

22:02 😊

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. End of Day 58 feeling curious and reassured.

Chapter 55 – The Interim

Tuesday, 16 February 2016.

Day 58

Anna goes away from Tinder Date #12 feeling restless.

Disappointed.

She’s been too busy and is feeling a little worried about her daughter Kristiina, as well.

Not that she’d been too excited with any of this week’s dates before meeting them…

I don’t understand why people even go to the trouble of going on dates with half-efforts.

Nothing we don’t devote ourselves to can become special in our lives.

We learn to love what we serve – in other words, give our best efforts to. Time, energy and affection.

On the other hand, we shouldn’t throw our pearls to pigs…!

We just can’t love what we don’t respect. We don’t appreciate what comes easy. I definitely don’t enjoy half-hearted stuff. Not for me, no.

These half-wits!!

Christian puts in lots of effort into our chats. Good manners, a positive attitude, respect. Flirtiness. Like Frederick – except for the flirting.

She’s feeling a little too tired when he finally sends her that smile selfie he’s been promising.

What?! So different from his other pictures. What??

Oh, what if I don’t like him in person?

All these last events make her ponder over things and worry a little bit. She appreciates honesty, so here it goes.

16:30 Christian, I’ve been thinking… Can I share a little?

I have a question. Is now a good time to ask?

14:37 Hi there. Yes, of course. What’s on your mind? Can I ring you up?

Oh, maybe soon. I’ve just been thinking that my separation is so recent. Imagine. It happened just last December. Yours was in September? So, maybe you can relate…

Here I am two months later… On Tinder. I’ve been on quite a few dates already, and even though most of the men were nice, I didn’t feel any attraction – except maybe with one. Still, I didn’t want to keep on seeing him.

Most of them asked for second dates, but I just didn’t feel like it. And that has made me wonder whether I’m ready for this or if I still have too much emotional baggage to deal with…

I love chatting with you every day. It’s so nice!

But I’m wondering: since I don’t know if I’m ready for anything more (and we don’t even know whether we’ll have any chemistry in person)…

Are you interested in becoming friends with me if we feel no attraction? You seem to be a great person and I could really use some new friends at this point in my life. And… if nothing else comes out of this, at least we could both gain something precious. No wasted time!

I love having a warm well-mannered person to chat with, like you. The best on Tinder. 😊

Anna is being very sincere. At the same time, what she’s not telling him is that based on the previous dates, she knows that some men who seem nice online are so boring in person.

Discouraging, really.

Or then so horribly dressed. An urgent need for the dentist’s?

I am not a superficial person. I make lots of new friends easily and respect every human being. I believe every person was made to be loved and appreciated for who they are. Everyone has their brokenness and their beauty.

Still… that doesn’t mean that I have to accept just anyone into my life, as my boyfriend! Without chemistry there’s nothing – Frederick is right.

Hmmm. Who should I give a chance to?? I’m not looking for a perfect guy. My expectations aren’t too high. I don’t care if he’s my age, younger or 10 years older.

I don’t mind if he’s short, like the other women on Tinder seem to do.

I don’t care if he’s overweight – or middle class, like me. He doesn’t even have to be super handsome.

(I’ve read that it can be good for the relationship if the woman is just a little better looking than the guy. That way, the guy feels like he’s scored and the woman feels great, because she always feels pretty in his eyes. He’ll be happy with this. Value her more? I don’t know if that’s true, but it does make sense…)

So, what am I looking for?? Well, I certainly know what I do like.

Hmmm.

I like kindness and good manners – I hate constant bad moods.

I like good communication. Don’t really feel attracted to slow, boring men who won’t chat or talk much. They don’t ask anything – or then they do, but don’t comment on my answers.

Dull!

He doesn’t need to have a PhD, but I need intelligence. Mr. Pedro/Ex was very smart and I loved that about him.

Funny, hardworking, a good dad (to his own kids). A good enough listener… A guy able to make decisions and take action.

A mature man. Playful, too. The man in the relationship.

Affectionate. Oh, very, very affectionate. That’s what I dream of the most.

Sigh.

Oh, gosh, does he even exist? My cousin Caleb and my brother Moses are like that. My father, too. Some of my friends, as well.

But is there someone out there for me…?

Am I too demanding? Do I have to lower my expectations?

Hmm. Most men my age are married. 90% at least. And the other 10% includes the lazy ones, the crazy ones, the smelly ones. The half-wits.

OK, maybe I could give up some of my expectations. 😯

But, but, I’m talking about who to bring into my intimate life! Not just about who to become friends with.

Into my life, my home, my heart, my body, my history, my dreams.

My present and my future.

And vice versa.

I definitely have to do some research on the topic this week.

Anna, thanks for opening your heart to me. I have loved chatting with you, as well. I can see you’re a kind person, and so beautiful!

Everyone has baggage. I do, too. We’re all flawed, but we won’t know about the chemistry if we don’t meet in person. No pressure, though.

I’m interested in friendship, as well. Hopefully more. Life is good but gets lonely, like I said before. I’m coming to Helsinki just to meet you. If you’ll have me.

Work? I can work from my computer, from anywhere. You are the reason I’ll be flying there.

Wow, what a man.

At least this cool friendship. Fingers crossed for more. 🤞🤞🤞 I hope he’s as lovelicious as his messages.

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Day 58 and five to go?

Chapter 54 – Tinder Date #12

Tuesday, 16 February 2016.

After Work / Day 58

Anna has her next date on her way home from work.

Tinder Date #12 / Tinder Clown #2 – not wasting any more of my time on writing about you.

Obs. Day 58, end soon!

Chapter 51 – Living and Yearning

Monday, 15 January 2016.

Still Day 57

What a clown! Annoyed, Anna is thinking as she walks back home from the second date with Christian – the wrong Christian, the American.

I’ve got to start doing my screening better.

If this is not going to add joy and affection to my life – to two people’s lives…

…it’s just pointless and a waste of time!

Her steps get quicker in the cold. It’s good to walk to clear her head.

But I have to be brave.

Have faith, Anna!

I won’t meet anyone if I just stay home and give no one a chance…

Keep being proactive.

Whom to give a chance? Hmm.

Christian, the Englishman, sends a message. She smiles.

21:05 Hello! I’ve had a really busy day. Sorry I’ve not been able to write/call. It sounds like you’ve had a busier day in fact!

You’re lucky you have a ‘normal’ job. Bit different in the world of start ups.

I’ve booked the Radisson Hotel for my stay on Sunday and Monday. Tuesday, Lilla Roberts. Basically it’s free time Sunday and Monday.

Oh! And how I yearn for love, passion and sharing the simple good things in life. It’s been so long. More than three years since I’ve felt like that.

I’m certain there are well-mannered, mature, kind men out there, also looking for someone.

There must be!

Even if most guys my age are taken.

Especially the good ones.

She starts jogging home to fight the cold.

There’ll be exceptions. Recently separated/divorced?

Someone like me!

Yes.

Her phone dings. It’s tomorrow’s date, Eli. They’re just going to have a coffee at McDonald’s on her way home from school.

Because, you see, later tomorrow evening Anna’s going on yet another date. Another coffee at yet another café near Citymarket in Ruoholahti.

A Finn and a Canadian. Should be interesting.

Ah, I have to phone mom and update her! That’s always fun.

Mom gets excited every time she hears a new story – some details left out, of course.

Just as Anna’s entering her building – definitely less annoyed after the fresh air and good thoughts – her phone rings. It’s Kristiina, her daughter.

“Hi, sweetheart, how are you? How are things going there at dad’s?”

“Oh, mom. I’m so stressed out!” — she’s crying. Poor darling dear!

It’s just one of those days.

Vivendo y aprendendo. Living and learning, living and yearning.

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Still day 57 since moving out.

Chapter 49 – Christian 1/ Tinder Date #11

Sunday, 14 February 2016.

Day 56

Anna is getting used to sending messages to Christian, Englishman #2, first thing every morning.

8:45 Morning! Slept 10 hours. Gosh, couldn’t take it anymore. My body even started to hurt from the discomfort! Going to work out soon.
For how many days are you staying next week?

Just a rough idea, because I’d like to organize my holiday week. The thing is, the teens will be with their dad. And since I’ll be on holiday and they’ll be on holiday, I know they’ll ask me to do something nice with them. It’s a pleasure for me. But, if I have an idea of the days when you’re available, I can plan special things for my teens, too.

In case we do want to hang out a lot! But having said, let’s feel free not to meet me again after the first time (though I’d love to at least make a friend). Happy Friends’ Day again! It’s today. ☺️

hook – kopio

10:44 Good morning and Happy Friends’ day to you too!
10 hours? You really do like sleeping! Beautiful hook! 😊

I’m going to let you know my movements a little later. Still figuring out a few details. Don’t want to take time away from your kids.

10:51 Of course not. Just let me know about your movements this week because then I can plan. My kids care a lot about my needs, and they know I need my own time. As long as I’m also there for them during the week, no problem.

Just yesterday my son was so loving. We were hanging out alone at home and he was leaving and then he stopped everything and said: “Mom, I love you so much! You’re so wonderful. You totally deserve an awesome boyfriend and you will get one in the right moment.”

They know I’ve been on Tinder dates. At first they thought it was hilarious/ embarrassing, but then they started to get it. They support me even in this. Great teens! 😊

11:27 Wow. Special kids. That’s really amazing. 😊

13:36 Off the top of my head, I am free evening 21st, then all day Tue and Wed. Poss free Wed pm, then business trip 24/25th. Helsinki again, so free morning of 26th.

Back to Germany from 3rd-8th, then back to Helsinki for a week or so. China prob April now.

Hope you’re having a nice day.

15:59 Good to know! I’ll try to make plans around that. ☺️
Just finished watching The Revenant with son. So bloody. But well made.
How’s your day coming along?

16:10 Don’t you feel like you could use an extra warm hearty hug today? I’m kind of more emotional. Valentine’s mode.

But strong girl here, though.
Looking forward to finally meeting you in person on Sunday. 😊

16:28 One more week. I will give you that hearty hug. If you let me. 😊

If you don’t, I may just grab you by force. ☺️ Beware.

17:02 Please do. ☺️ I’m coming on 21st with no plans to work. I’m coming to meet you. 😊 Work starts late Wednesday.

Great.

Need to get to bottom of the tattoo mystery. Among other things. 😉
Any ski lifts nearby? I’d love to see that.

18:09 I mean you on/off one. 😉 Remember you told me how you can’t get off? How you slide backwards and fall?

Hahaha. We could make a day trip. Would be fun!
But are you sure you want to risk me dying before solving the tattoo mystery?

18:10 I’ll solve that one quickly. Then we’ll move on. 😊

Good one! I have to go out now. Speak later?

18:12 Enjoy! Talk soon.

Good to have company on Friend’s day! Especially being a bit emotional today…

What are friends for? Exactly.

I would totally hug you today. You wouldn’t have a choice.

Oh. That would be nice.

Women and their cycles. 😊

18:14 Choice or no choice. 😊 I’m coming at the wrong time then. Anyway, enjoy your day!

Anna goes out with another Tinder date – one of those she had booked days ago. Another Christian (but American, this one). Says he’s an ex-police officer, now a counter-terrorist agent lending services to the Finnish government.

He’s strong, good looking.

They go to the Nepalese restaurant in her neighborhood, the same where she’s been with Riku, her blind date.

She has a small soup and he a full-course meal. It’s nice to have company. He gives her a nice French kiss at the end and promises to invite her out for dinner tomorrow. She says she’ll think about it.

In the meanwhile, Christian sends Anna a montage and a recording, finally:

19: 43 🇩🇪🇬🇧 + 🇺🇾🇫🇮 = 😊😊☃️❄️🍴🍴🍾🍕🍰⛷️🍷🎲🎲💋

“Hello, only me. Just want to wish you a Happy Friends’ Day. Hope you’re having a nice day with your loved ones. And, can’t wait to see you seven days from now. Ah, it’s crazy. One week from now. Yeah, really can’t wait. So, have a nice night and get lots of sleep. See you soon!”

19:58 Almost forgot:

20:07 🔥🔥🔥 and 🎆🎆🎼🎹🎬💤💤

21:34 My montage was not as creative as yours.

His messages feel more interesting than her date.

21:42 Yes it was! 😍

Earlier today, I went running with James Bond, my son’s dog (6 km).

22:15 Loved the montages, especially the double everything.

Great to hear your voice. Really lovely! Tell me more about your German side.

Love and miss this little friendly, playful dog! Look at this picture – how cute!

23:36 Ahhh. He’s cute.

Wonderful. I never had a pet as a child. Apart from goldfish. It killed itself. Love James Bond – what a fun name! You had a good active day, I can see. I walk a lot. More in Helsinki.

23:36 Hopefully you can show me more.

Here’s a tiger I drew with color pencils:

And some more of my art:

Had a box of leather leftover pieces. Created this bag with glue and scissors and sewing, and gave it to mom.

23:39 Wow. I am impressed. Love it. You should be a designer. Our designer!!

So cool. I can see your future.

P.S. I love hugs too.

😊 Wonderful. This one’s not mine, but I love it:

That’s quite funny. I like it.

It’s very creative, isn’t it?

Yep. Do you know who did it?

It says Terry Border was the artist.

23:44 May I flood your phone with pics like this? You can delete them soon. Otherwise I’ll eat up your memory space.

Please. Flood me. 😊

This is my daughter’s kind of art!

23:49 A proper baker. 😊 Getting hungry. You are killing me!

She should totally bake wedding cakes.

I wouldn’t resist that.

I love taking pictures, as well. And I love Finland!!

Beautiful!

I have a nice camera, but have no idea how to use it.

Nowadays I just use my phone.

Yep. Like me. New iPhone takes great pics.

My favorite place in Majorca:

Looks familiar. V Spanish.

Favorite game (it’s called Ingenious):

I want to play. I’ll probably win. 😊 Maybe we can play? You have to teach me. Is that in your flat?

No, not my flat. A game night I hold at church, sometimes.

I hope you win! I like to play against smart, competitive people.

Otherwise it’s no fun!

00:01 I always play to win.

After midnight, so 6 days to go. 😊

And the art of selfies. Here you go.

Anna sends him a couple of good ones.

00:03 Beautiful. 😊

Teach me. I need to learn how to take good selfies. Night night. Thanks for all the pics. 😊 Sweet dreams.

00:05 I’ll teach you. Ah! Where is that smile selfie I asked for? (Sorry for the flood).

I loved the flood.

Had a kind of nostalgic day today.

Keep flooding! 😊

Looking at the kids as small babies, etc.

Lovely pictures. Thanks for sharing.

Ah, yes. Here is chubby me as a baby!

00:07 OMG!

Me. Then my son.

HOW CUTE!!!

Haha.

I told you he looks just like you!!

Definitely mine. 😊

I love all your pictures.

And I guess you have an older sister?
Send me as many pics you want as well. Love them.

Sleep tight! X

00:12 Night night x

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Day 56 since moving out… And 6 days to go!

Chapter 48 – Garlic, Lemon, Ginger and Honey

Saturday, 13 February 2016.

Day 55

7:15 Morning! Saturday, yay!
So describe the male emotions for me!
And… have you been able to enjoy the company of your son this week? 😊

Anna sends Christian a picture.

galera

10:05 Morning! Was fast asleep. Think I may be getting ill. 🤒
Yes. I see my son a lot. He’s a clever thing. So cute too. 😊
Nice drawings. Did you do these all last night?

Think I have a cold.

10:08 Of course not. I draw better than that. 😊 Those were from an activity from the youth evening yesterday.

Everybody gets an empty card with somebody else’s name for 30 seconds. And you have to write or draw something nice about the person. The activity is called “What I Love about You”.

What a great idea!

Did you see the hooks they drew for mine?

Haha. Yes! It did catch my eye!! 😊

10.11 So sorry you’re catching a cold!!
Buy BEROCCA from the pharmacy and take two per day. I bet you won’t get as sick as you would otherwise.
Garlic, lemon, ginger and honey. Those should help as well.
Take care of yourself there! 😊

11.04 Thanks. Yes. Berocca is good. I will dose up. Just getting ready to take Geoff to soft play. Speak a bit later. What will you be up to? Have a great day! xx

11.08 Oh, I’m just going out for a jog. What is soft play? Sounds like fun.

Thanks! You enjoy your day, too! X

Anna sends him a picture of the neighborhood under construction.

11.19 Looks nice out there. More choice. And more saunas. 😊 Sunglasses weather? Run like the wind!!

11:46 Just 2.8km in 20 min. Very light run with stops for pics. And my dad waiting for his ride. More at the gym later.

14:17 Christian sends her a pic of soft play.

This is soft play. I’m exhausted!! 😊

14:18 Awww, he’s adorable!! Looks like you.
So you’ve had to roll around with him over there? Sounds like great fun! Enjoy.
And don’t forget that Berocca!
In case we want to kiss next Sunday…
Just teasing you. Get well soon – for your own sake.

Thanks. 😊 Pretty early night tonight. How’s your day? Just having lunch.
I have to show you a picture of me as a baby. You will laugh. I was so fat.☺️

18.01 Looking forward to seeing that! 😊

I can see a bit of your neck tattoo in your profile pic. 😊

Oh really? Would you like a photo of the other one now?

Let’s see if you’re as smart as I think.

Amazingly, I’m going to bed early as well. House is dark, everybody’s sleeping. Since I can’t have a recording of your voice, I’ll just have to read a book instead.

21:23 Tattoo later. All good things come to those who wait. 😊

I will send you a recording. When I do, it will be a surprise. Have a nice early night! Sleep well. I had some very strange dreams about sailing last night. Should keep a diary of my dreams. I’m fascinated by this subject.

I’ve had a few about a talking cat. Love those ones.

Dying to listen to the recording. Tell me more about your interest in dreams.
The talking cat reminds me of a Disney movie I used to watch as a 10-year-old. The Richest Cat in The World. Ever seen it?

Do you like old movies? I do. Tell me some of your favorites!

Oh wow. Difficult. Old black and white comedies. Innocent films. Classics.
I love old movies, too! I’m not sure I’ve seen that one.

Parent Trap
Annie
Rear Window
Singing in the Rain
The Sound of Music
Fiddler on the Roof
Dangerous When Wet

(This last one is a classic, too!)

Seen all those. Apart from last one.

21:41 I adore Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Could we watch one? Or will you be too distracted watching me instead?

Good night handsome! Maybe I’ll dream with your firing up voice. 😊

Night night beautiful. 😊

21:51 Did I pass the tattoo test?

21:52 Yeah. With top grades. Well done!

Phew. 😊

You bring me an apple and I might show it to you. We shall see.

Deal. Night night.

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Day 55 of I wonder if I’ll like him in person, too…

Chapter 43 – Assorted Chats

Tuesday, 9 February 2016.

Day 51

Anna is lying in bed, reading Tinder messages and thinking to herself.

Gosh, there are all kinds of chats on Tinder. I’ve had hundreds so far…

I think there’s something called chat chemistry, too.

There are the guys who make no effort whatsoever. They just send a hi and that’s it. The chat dies a natural – welcomed – death.

Then there are those who try a little harder, but there’s just no chemistry. No chat chemistry! The topics seem really off – these guys give the vibe of being quite superficial or immature. Or simple-minded.

Lazy. Not interested enough?

Definitely NOT interesting! Humft.

Maybe they’re simply really, really bad with social skills? Or with writing. Hard to imagine anything going forward like that. Hard to see how they’d get anyone’s attention like that.

They’re plain boring. Poor devils!

Not to mention the disrespectful guys. They don’t lift a finger, just say something nasty and want the lady to fall onto their lap?? I don’t waste my time with them.

Unmatch – what a great little button.

Ah… There’s the Italian university graduate doing some research around here. Really cute and friendly. He insists on chatting a lot – he’s new in Finland. But only 33 years old.

He’s been trying to convince me to meet him for days and days. Always sending romantic things, rose emojis, hearts, compliments.

It’s sweet really…

Out of nowhere he sends a message like:

Dear Anna, good morning!

I would go to the ends of the Earth for you. I would swim the raging seas and cross the scariest jungles. I’d fight a lion for you, survive all perils and mine that cave. Just to get you the perfect diamond and bring it to you with an immaculate red rose. I’ll sing you a serenade under your window, just for the chance of you blowing me a kiss.

Let me take you on a date this weekend? Please beauty.

That’s funny.

Italians!

Wow. They really are romantic.

Areia demais pro meu caminhão – as the saying goes in Portuguese – too much sand for my little truck! Or I for his?

Anyway… champagne taste, beer wage. He should take it down a notch……

Mmmm, Anna, Anna – it could be fun!

He’s endearing.

No. He’s a student. And just too young!!

I’ll just wish him all the best and unmatch him. Kindly. Don’t want to stab his romantic little heart. I hope he never changes…

And then, there are chats like Frederick’s and Christian’s. 🎯

No comments. Let them speak for themselves.

Obs. Day 51 since moving out.

Chapter 41 – Oxymoronic Paradoxes

Monday, 8 February 2016.

Day 50

During her lunch break at school, Anna sits down to scribble in her diary.

Dear Diary,

Long time no write! Sorry.

There’s something I’ve been reflecting about and want to register here.

Betrayal.

Awful word, but intrinsic in human nature.

I remember just last year, a month before moving out of our last home together…

…I had already signed my rental apartment’s contract and was spending my afternoons and evenings looking for good deals to buy furniture and whatnot. (That part was fun, tbh. I adore moving and decorating. I’m good at it! I love looking for solutions).

Anyways, the shopping kept me busy and focused on practicalities for the near future, instead of the immediate pre-separation…

…valley

death.

As you can imagine, I’d go from excitement and exhilaration to deep sadness.

Agonizing joy.

Energetic exhaustion.

Blue fun.

Fearful hope, dreaded freedom.

Oxymoronic paradoxes.

The silent screams of my soul felt pretty loud to me, at times. Good grief!

Some say that people get divorced too easily nowadays, but sincerely? I don’t believe that most people take separation lightly. It’s scary and painful! They say it’s like amputating a leg.

More like amputating a part of your heart. :(((

For better or for worse, we were together for 22 years. Neither he nor I took it lightly, see? Even though it wasn’t ’til death – at the end of the end.

I wish we had divorced eight years ago, when he first said he wanted it. We wouldn’t have wasted so much of each other’s time and would have avoided more excruciating heartbreak and some other drastic measures (no comments)…

Nevertheless…

I am grateful we were able to part in one piece.

Ops! Part in peace!

Where was I?

Yes, during that pre-separation month, I’d feel relieved and then anguished. Little did I know it was going to turn out to be a cruel kindness – what he was doing to me (at least that’s my hope now).

If only people knew! They’d divorce sooner.

But people with bad marriages fear. So, they make haste s…l….o…..w……l…….y…………..

They’ve got to go through the process to progress.

OK! Be wise, don’t rush it too much. Prepare the way for a (better?) future.

As I was saying… at times I’d cry in the shower. I’d let go and then the next second hold on for dear life.

I’d love him with all my hate.

I’d agonize and think about betrayal.

“Do you already have somebody else?”

“Anna, I’ve already hurt you so much in this marriage. There’s no reason for me to hurt you more right now.” — The holy sinner – damned saint would repeat!

Not unlike me…

Some of the church people we know judge him, but I’ll respect him for not remaining a hypocritical chaplain in the end. For finally having the courage to be true to himself.

And give me my freedom to (try) to find love again.

(Maybe the painful journey of self-love first?)

It’s always better to deal with the truth, no matter the blow. I’ll choose hearing the honest truth 90 out of 100 times.

The truth shall set you free – true – free to fly the dreadful flight of freedom.

How can we make the best decisions for our own well-being without the truth??? People have no right to keep us prisoners of lies.

Nonetheless…

…”Speak the truth with love”.

Would it have been better to stay in the bad marriage and feel alone together?

♥️ I’d much rather be together alone someday. Just the two of us! Mr. Bf and me. ♥️

As I was saying… I’d cry in the shower thinking about betrayal. I felt so betrayed!

Yet, what was the betrayal??

Was it that he was jumping in bed with another lady?

For me, the greatest betrayal was not that.

He fell in love. O amor é lindo.

As Dr. Helen Fischer says, “love is a powerful brain system, more powerful than sex drive. It comes from primordial parts of the brain – way below the cortex. It gives you the energy, the focus, ecstasy, the despair and the motivation. To win life’s greatest prize – a mating partner”.

Aye, no!

(Btw, she’s studied brain scans of couples who have been romantically in love after 21 years together. It can happen!)

“Passion makes people climb the highest mountains and sail the raging seas. Romantic love inspires poets, musicians, commoners”.

Its memories make people write books. 😇

The Bible says love covers a multitude of sins.

Then, what was the betrayal?

The betrayal for me was this:

How can he prefer not to have me in his life? To just erase me, swipe me out.

After everything. All the memories. All the battles, victories, photo albums and family memories. All the patience and forgiveness. All the support and growth. All the emotions!

All that investment in vain?

How can someone actually find they’re upgrading their lives by taking me out of it??? His best friend for over half his life… To think he’s better off without me than with me? Unfathomable.

I felt like garbage. Rejection was the betrayal!

That actually felt like death. A resurrection I should have welcomed?

Why not sooner then? It would have saved me some of my youth.

And what about our kids? They say divorce is harder on teenagers than children.

Wow.

But no problem.

Now I know his cruel kindness was for my best, too.

A passionless marriage is not true for me. Holding on is just wishful thinking. Wasted years? I think so…

Men and women out there: pleeease do not hold on to someone who doesn’t love you. Please do not fear. You deserve to be loved with all of your lover’s flawed human heart. Everyone does.

Mutuality!

But, silver linings, silver linings, Anna! Don’t get depressed now.

Everything happens for a purpose. Or at least you can give it a purpose and make it meaningful.

I sure am turning my pain into something beautiful.

In this long, long diary entry, my mind has been wandering everywhere – itinerant from place to place. I can break it down later, but I did warn you in the title.

And it does happen with pre-separation. Consider separating, do it, and your mind will thus wonder and wander while your heart rides a scary merry-go-round.

OK, long story short – finally:

Divorce??

More like amputating half of your heart!

Hey, maybe I need a heart transplant!

A new heart? I like that.

I’m gonna think of divorce as an open-heart surgery from now on. Painful, risky, extreme. I’ll need time for convalescence… But not alone, please…?

The Divorce Paradox = a seemingly false, but significant step.

Anna, you’ll get a new heart – hope for a stronger one!

You’ll still retain your brain, your memories, your soul, your you. But you’ll have the chance to start over.

Bitter sweet. New beginnings. A crash landing? New-found grace.

And an opportunity to be true. To love again and do it much, much better.

Obs. Day 50 of an oxymoronic new life.

http://gtotd.blogspot.fi/2007/06/oxymoronic-paradox-wisdom-of-yogi-isms.html

Chapter 40 – I Simply Remember

Monday, 8 February 2016.

Day 50

And the lesson goes on.

“My dear 8C, now that you’re all awake… Your homework was to think about your favorite pastimes and such, writing a list with at least ten items. Who has done that?”

Hands go up everywhere.

Anna shows the class a video – My Favorite Things, from The Sound of Music – one of her favorite movies. And the boldest of her pupils sing along with her.

“🎶 I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad!”

Ah… Nice.

“Encouraging, isn’t it?” — she smiles.

“So, today your task is to be creative. Take your list of favorite things and transform it into beautiful art. A poster, a video, a play. The sky is the limit. If you’re not good at drawing, write a colorful list that will look great on the wall.

“You can also draw stick men, like I did.”

Anna told Christian (one of the nice Englishmen from Tinder), that she’s been working on this theme at school. He insisted she share her list with him – wouldn’t take no for an answer. So endearing! So she drew it for him.

How Anna loves feeling inspired with the silliest of things!

Now, she projects the images she drew on the smart board, hoping to ignite her pupils’ creativity. First, she wants them to speak up and practice their English.

“Hey look, here are my very own favorite things. Can you tell me what they are?”

ft1 – kopio

ft – kopio

ft2 – kopio

ft3 – kopio

Chatting with Chris has been so lovely. A mix of witty, smart, gentlemanly and flirty. Guys are a mystery, but it’s gradually getting warmer.

She drew him a couple of extra (burning hot) pastimes on the back side. 😍

Completely scratched over now, of course!

Hmm. We shall see…

Obs. Day 50 since moving out. Warm beginnings!