diary entry – Page 2 – The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcée

Chapter 8 – Moi

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Thursday, 14 January 2016.

Day 25

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year!

School restarted a week ago, and I’m trying hard to leave separation sadness in 2015. I wouldn’t be able to stand working feeling so disconsolate. It just drains all my mental and physical energy.

And yes! Today is Friday. Yay!!

The teens and I are going to watch a movie soon, but, but, wait, wait, wait! I still have time to write a little. ☺️

Over a hundred matches on Tinder so far, some nice chats since the first week, but nothing super exciting to report yet (since the Tino-disappointment😕).

Idk… Finnish guys seem so slow! Or way too private.

Non-committing, little effort, no flirting.

Yawn. 🤤

Mysterious and a bit boring.

Sorry… 😁

They send a “Moi” – hi in Finnish – or a “Beautiful smile, there,” or a dull “Hey, how’s the weekend going?” and seem to expect the lady to do all the rest of the hard work.

So, like I wrote before, easy app, but tedious human behavior… Hmm.

I have obviously never kissed a Finnish guy.

Probably never flirted (back) with one. Growing up off and on in South America, the only Finnish men I knew were my grandfather, my brother and my cousins. And an occasional uncle who flew in to visit.

I’ve always admired their sisu – a Finnish word for strength and courage, intelligence, hard work, focus and stubbornness. 💪

I dreamed of learning my grandparents’ language and perhaps moving here. But do I maybe see all Finnish men as brothers and cousins?

OMG, I think so!!

I’m a 39-year-old divorcée who doesn’t go to bars and lives in a country full of Finnish men. How am I ever going to find someone?

Finns don’t talk with strangers unless they’re drunk. And they look at you as though you’re crazy if you do. 😂

It’s the end.

The Apocalypse.

Haha.

Is it cultural shock, I wonder? I’m half South American, after all.

Is it my artistic nature???

I need emotions and enthusiasm – I like intensity, romance and vulnerability.

Hey you, prospect bf – you’re…

WANTED

You’ve gotta be flirty, but true. Players suck – big time.

A guy who is daring, positive, decisive, hey, that shows confidence.

(And confidence – without the arrogance, please! – is always hot).

Who cares about your size or your six-pack! There must be that yes feeling about our personalities and the way we keep on interacting… Both playfulness and depth, efforts, curiosity, purpose, butterflies in our stomachs, keep them coming. 🦋 🦋 🦋

Intelligence!

And then in person lots and lots and LOTS of hugging.

Firm, heart-warming, life-warming, time-stopping, heart-healing embraces!

And touching: natural, magnetic, spontaneous and very affectionate, the don’t-want-to-keep-my-hands-off-you kind of touch.

Grabbing, pinching, kissing, hair-tussling, butt-spanking, stroking, naps on your shoulder.

Passionate, hungry loving, fun, friendly, romantic?

Trying new things!

I know that is out there. It has to be!

It will take two to make it happen.

Still… I have been chatting a lot on Tinder because, truth is, I like being social and getting to know new people. I’d even love to make some new friends. I’m the kind who basically likes everybody until proven wrong. And that rarely happens…

I just love people!

Who they are, why they are here, what they are in pursuit of?

Has anyone broken their hearts? Do they have kids? How’s the divorce going? Are they good dads?

Am I going to be OK, too? 😖

Is it tough being a single parent and the likes.

What are their hopes and dreams? What makes their hearts beat faster? What brings the best of smiles to their faces? What makes them excited to wake up in the mornings and go to work? What drives them insane? Are they bored or in a life crisis?

Help! Are they even happy??

So many questions, but…

Teen duty calls! ❤️‍

Ah, P.S. Anna, stay strong. We can do this!

Obs. Day 25 since moving out. What now?

Chapter 7 – Tino?!

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Moikka Anna, ootpa tosi nätti 🙂 Mitä sun vuodenvaihteeseen kuuluu?

Kiitos! Sinäkin olet komea.

🙂 Kiitti, sun tekstin perusteella ootkin toki kansainvälinen tyyppi. Puhutko mielummin englantia vai suomea tämmösessä chatissa?

Englantia.

Ok, that’s fine. So, you’re a teacher? Have to say I always felt that teachers are kind of hot, like really hot… Something that must come from the time when I was young and still in school. 🙂 Are you teaching languages?

Monday, 11 January 2016.

Day 22

Married at 19, mother at 21, a dedicated friend, a good wife, an awesome mom.

She had her first teacher’s job at the age of 11. Her first official job at 17. Loving every moment of it. But then, maybe too young to be working so hard to pay the bills with Mr. Ex – trying to grow and get somewhere together.

Everybody suffers, and they’ve had their fair share of it. Who hasn’t? Her Ex-mother-in-law’s tragic death (murder), Mr. Ex’s depression years that followed. 😭 Devastating. And too heavy for this book.

And even before those tragic events, Anna hadn’t been feeling too lucky-in-love-and-romance, anyway. Family life, friendship, uncertainty, longing, frustration, kissing, laughter, lots of sex, loving, suspicion of betrayal, trips, raising beautiful kids, loans, university studies, work load, game nights, sports; more uncertainty. Fear of loss.

All intertwined.

What does it feel like to really love and commit to your spouse… To be good to him. Affectionate, hopeful for better times. Year after year.

To invest in him, argue and keep supporting and challenging him to be a better man. And just be there, for better or for worse, ’til death…

…and feel you’re not getting half of that back? 🤦‍

Oh, she fought for his love. In dignified ways – make no mistake. And how often she cried – alone – bitter tears of hurt. Never getting why it felt she wasn’t good enough for him… It stung so much to feel that way!

In her heart, she always believed that she was imperfectly wonderful.

She didn’t know it wasn’t really personal.

Hurt people hurt people. And they hurt each other numerous times.

So… now she’s going to enjoy a little happy-go-lucky, for the first time in her life.

No more tears!

It feels less overwhelming to just turn her back on the past and move on!

Anna has been taking care of herself in the last years. Body and soul. Right now, she’s feeling cute. Younger, a little wilder and free. Will you help me root for her?

Here we go!

Anna has been feeling beside herself. She’s been asked out on dates by some Tinder matches, but she’s asked everyone to wait.

She’s so into Tino right now that she’s simply lost interest in all the other chats. He’s coming back from his China business trip tomorrow and they’re finally going to meet in person.

Two days. My very first date! Yay.

This is so exciting!

Tino is this super cute Finnish engineer who works for KONE. His vibe is respectful, intriguing and fun. He is so warm and nice that they quickly move their communication to Whatsapp.

Trips, cultures, pastimes, favorite South American and Finnish songs – they’ve been chatting about all those things. He told her he plays instruments and is a good dad. Well, I should hope so… Good dads are a big turn on.

For her, chatting with Tino has been pretty amazing (hot), and she has the feeling she’ll like him in person.

He writes non-stop, answering fast, pursuing her all day long. They joke, act silly, send cute messages, and so on. This has been going on for over a week and she can’t help but feel thrilled.

He sends her a pic of his face, lying over a colorful pillow, along with a Finnish song about lions.

Romance has always inspired the artist in her. So this morning, while her pupils are focused on some exercises, she puts his song and picture together, quickly coming up with this:

It’s so weird. Now that she stops to think about it, she realizes that she’s never been on a date. Ever!

She can’t wait to finally meet him this week. 😊

Tuesday, 12 January 2016.

Day 23

Dear Diary,

After days and days of chatting, what a disappointment!!

What the hell??

About our meeting… Things changed in my life, so that I’ve agreed to focus on my family. Hopefully you understand. Anyway, maybe in this situation better to take a time out and cancel our date. 🙁

Really? 🙁 I was looking forward to meeting you and even said wait to five-six other guys who asked me out last week. 🙂 But, my kids come first, too. You seem to be a nice person, so I’ll just wish you all the best! Ciao.

St#u&p%id Tino thanked me for understanding, kiss kiss, and mentioned maybe asking me out in the future, but what the fuck…??

Very odd. Is he married??

Hmm. Although Tinder’s mechanics couldn’t be any easier to use, human behavior makes it just a little more complicated, it seems.

Well…

Bola pra frente! Onward, soldier.

Obs. E”#ur%g&h!! Shitty new beginnings.

Chapter 6 – Tindering, Chattering

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Saturday, 9 January 2016.

Day 20

Dear Diary,

I’ve got so much to tell you!!

How I swipe on Tinder was my last diary entry…

Yeah, yeah, I’m quite artistic and a bit impulsive, too, sometimes. But, as exciting as Tinder is… I ponder over everything.

So, before I tell you about this guy I matched with, let me tell you how I try to chat:

👉 Answer every message. Good manners are all about being considerate of other people’s feelings. That’s how I expect to be treated myself, after all. If someone is disrespectful – which is rare, so far – OK, in that case I’ll definitely unmatch immediately!

👉 If I realize the chat is either too slow or too boring for my taste – yawn, can’t take that – or then that the guy and I seem to have nothing in common, I go “Hey, nice meeting you here and good luck with your search,” unmatching them a little later.

👉 Never share things that are too personal. You never know who is behind the profile. There seem to be some dodgy ones there, too. Hmm. A couple of my pupils said they have fake profiles on Tinder. Can you believe it? Gosh! I just hope I never chat with one of them!!

👉 Seek to be warm, open-minded, curious, friendly, proactive, truthful, and a teeny bit mysterious. Playful? Show your best self. Slowly. What if he is Mr. Boyfriend? And why waste time being half-hearted and lazy, anyway? Either do it right or just don’t do it!

👉 Chat just in English – feels like too much hard work to do it in Finnish.

👉 Take the initiative when you feel like it – when the guys are quiet.

👉 One date at a time… Haha. When you’ve already scheduled a date with somebody, tell all other guys who ask you out: “Let’s wait and see how the other date goes first. I’ll let you know, OK?” (But I haven’t been on any yet).

There have been soooo many matches and pleasant chats this first week… 😄

But none as warm as Tino’s… Sigh! 😍

We matched on the 6^th this month and we have a date coming up!

Gotta go! More later. 🤞

Obs. Day 20 since moving out. New experiences…

Chapter 5 – How I Tinder

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Thursday, 7 January 2016.

Day 18

Dear Diary,

All good with me and the teens. What a relief! So far so good.

We simply love our new flat. Feeling so at home. 😍

Jätkäsaari is a relatively new neighborhood in Helsinki, close to the city center, with about ten thousand apartments being built as we speak. Our building is only a year old, so it’s very modern and well-planned.

Kristiina and Joseph have been enjoying the gym on the eighth floor, while my favorite place is the sauna with its surrounding terraces up there. The laundry is very nice, too, spacious and with a huge window. Not to mention our social room, which can be booked for free for parties and gatherings.

See, Anna? No use crying over spilt milk… Right?

Silver linings, silver linings… and life’s not that bad! 😊😊

As for the Tindering business…

…Well, I have to admit that it gives me butterflies in my stomach.

Lots and lots! 🦋🦋🦋

Imagine, after twenty-two years with the same man – yes, I started dating Mr. Ex at 17 – it feels nicely odd to be single again and free to chat with whomever I want. Strangers, mostly from Finland.

Lol. Finnish guys are such a mystery to me. 🤔

I’ve quickly come up with my own set of rules for how to play the Tinder “game”.

(I affectionately call it a game, but for me it’s serious business!) 😊

When swiping right, it’s important that I like how he looks, of course, but I’m not searching for a super model or a Hollywood star. Definitely not for a body builder. All things in moderation.

Besides, I can look at myself in the mirror, too. 😏🤔

It’s not as much about looks as it is about the general vibe I get:

Does he look pleasant enough? Is he smiling in any of the pics or just looking serious, angry or depressed? Is there kindness in his eyes? Is he nicely dressed? 🤗

Come on! Most people look their best when smiling.

And what has happened to cleanliness and a cool haircut, good posture, nice clothes – if I may ask?? (Some guys there are unbelievable! 😬)

Maybe a smart shirt and tie in one of the pictures? A positive portrayal is what you’d expect.

“Suit up,” guys!

It’s also a matter of self-love, right? If the guy doesn’t care at all about leaving a good first impression, then what later? 🤦‍

Different strokes for different folks, but I immediately swipe no to smokers. It’s also a no if they are holding huge alcoholic drinks, especially in all of their pictures (Is drinking that central in their lives?).

Not interested in profiles with blurry pictures, no presentation text, people who state they’re just looking for sex (free hookers??), guys hiding behind sunglasses.

Your eyes are the window to your soul, my dear, and I want to see what they are telling me. 👀

Last but not least, I’m a teacher and all for education, so don’t get me wrong now: I also swipe no to university students.

Although this was one of the things I admired the most about Mr. Ex – a hardworking man, I’ll admit as much – he’s taking his fourth degree since we met… And I’m a little bit tired of dealing with deadlines and essays and theses within the relationship. Not to mention the very tight student budget.

Myself?

I’ve graduated and found a permanent job, pay my own bills and depend on no one, so it would be nice to enjoy a little more breathing space and some special dates, for a change.

That would be sooooo nice! 🤞

Feeling a little sleepy here, so I’ll write some more later.

Have lots more to tell!! Yay!

P.S. For now, there are some Finnish names I swipe no to. 😀 Sorry, Finland!!

For example, Pentti, Velho, Mikko, Mika, Tenho, Aarto, Panu, Antti, Ekka, Pelle, Saku and Tatu. They just sound too funny in Portuguese/Spanish!!! Ilkka is a woman’s name. And Arse?? OMG!!

(Their translation would be: comb, oldie, monkey, embarrassment, I have, tall, cloth, anti, yuk, clown, bag and armadillo. 😆 How could I take a bf with one of those names seriously? Hahaha!)

Obs. Day 18 since moving out. New beginnings!

Chapter 3 – A Change of Heart

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Saturday, 2 January 2016.

Day 13

Dear Diary,

Things have been going quite well, but you won’t believe what happened! I was driving yesterday when Mr. Ex called, asking to book a time with me to sit down and talk.

“Ex, is it that serious that you cannot tell me over the phone??” — I feel furious for about ten minutes… Hey, that’s a new record for me, as I hate holding onto anger.

Then I get a grip and call a couple of friends. My best friend advises me to catch Mr. Ex off guard and really listen.

(Hmmm. Is he saying I’m a better talker than listener?? 😁).

We go to the closest Hesburger. I am feeling calm, but curious. Don’t ask me how.

“Anna, how are things?” — Mr. Ex attempts to small-talk.

“Just fine, thanks. But you didn’t bring me here to chit chat about trivialities now, did you?”

“Hehe,” — his fidgety laughter — “Eh, first of all, I just want to say that in all those years we were together, I never loved another lady. You were always the only one.

Really?!

“Until now.” — dead silence for a split of a second — “But, I promised you that you would be the first one to be informed, so we need to talk.”

“Who is she?” — I immediately need to know.

Of course it had crossed my mind that he had another woman.

That’s an understatement. Of course I unknowingly knew it.

I just knew it.

We always know. Don’t we?

That time last fall when he insisted I not join him at the karaoke bar. He basically pleaded with me to go home and meet him later.

Or that other time when he wrapped his iPhone tightly with the cables of his earphones, putting the damn thing under his pillow and sitting on it, after I’d asked to look at my recent birthday pictures — what the heck??!

And that time when I asked him to please just tell me bluntly and he’d answered: “Annita, I’ve hurt you so many times in our marriage… I don’t want to keep doing it anymore!”

Men don’t usually get a divorce before they have found a new person.

Why would they exchange the comfort of a home with a wife, a friend, a mother and extra earnings for a new phase with less money, more responsibilities with the kids, and the added loneliness?

“Oh, Anna, she’s asked me not to reveal who she is to anyone yet. She’s afraid everybody will hate her and think she is culpable of breaking up a family.” — he tries.

“Who is she…?? — I pressure him.

“I accepted your decision to get a divorce, Ex, but I won’t take no for an answer now!” — I make it clear (and then try appealing to his logic) — “Ex, you and I have been great friends, hosts and co-workers, right? But on the emotional level our marriage hadn’t been OK at all for a very long time...

“So, I won’t blame her, you know that. Tell me! — he looks thoughtful and nervously laughs a little.

“Ex, you’ve got to tell me!! — he’s still silent, so I threaten him — “If you don’t tell me…”

“What?” — he looks alarmed for a second.

“I’ll just complicate every single thing I can, from now on.” — I smile victoriously.

He chuckles — “Yeah, I told her I was going to try, but knowing you, kind of thought I wouldn’t be successful.”

Haha. Score!

So, the truth is out. 🙁

He’s dating a university classmate of his…! The one who got really wasted at our place, when he cooked his classmates dinner a couple of months ago.

At the time, I’d thought, “Who goes to a family home for the first time and gets stupidly drunk?” After which she’d kept hugging me and telling me how beautiful I am — WTF?

E%ur#g!h, I hope Ex gets really fat and bald, fast!!! — is how it feels.

Nevertheless, I consciously decide to turn the other cheek…

But it stings — bad!

And to sadly wish them well.

I’m feeling subdued for a moment. Stupid life!

I’m so mad at him, but, but, but…

The guy has suffered his fair share on Earth – I’ll give him that. I’ve also caused him pain (he admits he’s caused me much more)! Why would I want him to be unhappy? When you really love someone, you want them to be well.

Mixed feelings. I’ve been experiencing relief and freedom, but this feels novel now.

OK…

Exhale…

This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to do this forgiveness thing my mother taught me — “I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven” (Jesus) — For my own sake, not for his.

Cannot help but being myself, though, so I offer him some unsolicited advice.

“Hey Ex, I have some things to say now. Hear me out, OK? — He looks doutbful and it feels like a small victory that he’s stuck and has to listen.

“Be the best possible dad you can, focusing on the teens when it’s your turn to take care of them. If your new relationship doesn’t work out…” — at this point he rolls his eyes — “…your kids will still be there for you if you don’t neglect them now. You don’t want to become like your father……

“Hey, and don’t you abandon your faith! Keep talking to God. Your mother taught you that and it has always been so important to you. Even though it may feel contradictory to what you’re doing right now, and church people — especially — will most likely judge your actions… — (both of us grew up in ministers’ families).

“Finally, try to do things right in the relationship this time, will you please?” — I poke him — “Try to make her happy, OK? If it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll know you did all you could? The rest will depend on her,” I finalize it.

I mean all I’ve said, yet I know there’s a hidden complaint in my last advice…

He asks me if we can change the upcoming dates of childcare so he can travel to the Bahamas with Ms. Newbie this week.

Right…

That explains why he wanted to talk. Haha!

“Yeah, let’s help each other,” — whatever — “But remember this later on, when it’s my turn to travel!” — I’m hoping there will be a plane crash…

…But no, that wouldn’t be fair to the other passengers. 🤣😅🤣

He thanks me, wishes me well and we hug good-bye. Lightly.

Do I love him or hate him?? It feels like I don’t know him anymore. As if I’m hugging a total stranger: 22 years have amounted to this eerie moment.

Surreal.

Doesn’t feel normal at all – so much to process.

Later.

Not now.

I’ll do that later.

That night I’m feeling a little annoyed. My ego is hurt and I have a serious change of heart: if Mr. Ex can fly to paradise and act like a teenager in love, I also get to have some fun and try out a few new things.

Staying single for a year? Ha! Ridiculous!

So, tim……….…ber with that plan.

No, Tin…der, here I come. 😊

Obs. Day 13 since moving out. New beginnings!

Chapter 2 – The Broken-Up Together Xmas

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Tuesday, 29 December 2015.

Day 9

Dear Diary,

How are you doing?

I am fine.

Really.

You doubt me?

Well, you know women – and you know me. If a fair amount of mood swings are normal within my cycle, just imagine now, under the present circumstances! Seriously. 🙁

It’s been a week since I moved out from Mr. Ex’s home.

Our last home together. Our last whole-family home.

Wholeness.

Were we whole together with so much abyss between us?

I am whole alone?

Yes, I am and will decisively remain so!

As for the latest news:

Remember how I told you Mr. Ex and I decided to celebrate our first Christmas party together to make it easier on Kristiina and Joey, our teens?

Christmas Eve went fine, thank God.

Phew.

Our traditional Finnish Xmas food was so delicious: smoked salmon; oven-baked ham encircled by prunes (served cold); gravy; rutabaga casserole; and creamy beetroot salad. Chocolates and lots of ice cream for dessert. Yummy!

We were all in an amicable mood and able to behave in a civil manner, giving each other nice gifts and friendly smiles, including Mr. Ex (!), who gave me a forty-euro H&M gift card, to my surprise.

I’m not fully buying it… Hmmm. Too good to be true?? Anyways… I feel that it’s better to keep the peace – and everybody wins.

Darling Lisa joined us from central Finland with her kids (the teens’ third degree cousins), as well as Ida, a kind of extra granny they have got. Varamummo, in Finnish.

Ah, how could I forget Joey’s illustrious puppy Jack Black, an adorable Jack Chi who loves to snuggle up, but is also strong-willed, playful, intelligent and, OMG, soooo cute?

The deal is he’ll live a week a month with me and the rest of the time with Mr. Ex.

“Oh, you want a divorce? OK. You take the dog three weeks a month. You know I won’t want to clean his white fur off my couch every day!”

Mr. Ex and I only live a km from each other, so it’s easy to see him if I ever miss him too much.

The dog, of course!!

As if…!

The next day – Xmas morning – the teens and I exchange a few more gifts and Kristiina’s makes me cry – literally – a wrought-iron hook with a heart on top for our new kitchen.

I’m so hooked on hooks, they’re so practical! Kris knows I adore them, and the fact that she really put in some thought into buying something she knew I would love made me very emotional.

Crying and laughing at the same time was so hilarious that she filmed the whole episode. (Maybe I’ll show you the clip someday).

I always remind Joey and his sister that even when we have little money, it’s still important to give a simple gift to the people who matter in our lives – at least if we’re going to spend a special occasion with them.

Birthdays and Christmases simply cannot go unnoticed. Nothing makes me feel more unloved than that… (I’m writing this with pouting lips)! 😏

Actions speak louder than words, after all. Don’t you agree?

It does not have to be anything expensive. For instance, you can think of something the person likes or something that could be useful.

Quality is key, so a small pack of Lindt chocolates, a piece of poetry, a drawing or home-baked cookies can do wonders. I honestly don’t care if the only thing I get is a pair of socks, as long as they are handpicked and, above all, presented with love.

Look into the receiver’s eyes and give them a heart-warming smile and a bear hug – and voilà!

The simple things in life. Ahh…!

They make me happy.

It doesn’t take that much in life…

OK, OK… I admit it.

People who know me the best find it super hard to buy me gifts. I have a reputation at home for thanking you for your present, then putting it into my gift supply box to give it on to somebody else in the future. I’ll confess my sins.

Just think about it: it’s ecological. If it’s something I know I won’t like, wear, use or need, why open it?? Everyone should do the same!

If you really want to be sure I’ll be the one to enjoy your gift, get me a box of eggs, a salad, or a pen and paper. A Chili Lindt dark chocolate bar. A car wash, a candle, good coffee, a Levi’s or Diesel jeans.

Or then a Light Coke. 😋 Ops! I’m trying to stop with my only vice – so maybe not!

Socks. Yes!! Socks… Someday I’ll share my life closely with somebody again (but it will have to be someone as cool as me), and we’ll give each other good socks for every birthday and every Christmas. One pair each.

And sometimes on a normal day too, just to be romantic. ❤️‍😍

And we are going to wear them all.

Obs. Day 9 since moving out. New beginnings indeed!