emotional roller coaster – Page 3 – The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcée

Chapter 56 – Uh-Tinder Date #13

Tuesday, 16 February 2016.

Still Day 58

The Canadian and Anna sit at a café in Ruoholahti and try to chat. She is good with words and can talk to just about anybody about a thousand things, but somehow it feels these two have nothing to say to each other.

Real awkward silences fill their uh-awkward attempts.

They sip their tea and look around.

Uh… he looked a little chubbier in his pictures and where has his lovely beard disappeared to? Hmm.

This thin man’s face is clean-shaved. Are they even one and the same guy? Haha.

He tells her his daughter and his motorbike live in England. Uh… He himself owns a business in Hakaniemi. Uh… Would she like to ride his motorbike back from England with him.

Uh… Not sure! Well, at least we wouldn’t have to chat.

Uh… would she like to go to the movies with him after his England trip?

“Uh… Maybe, let’s see.”

Even looking at each other feels oddly awkward. Uh… Maybe Anna’s just sleepy and not feeling like her normal self today. She’s too much inside her mind, too little in her heart?

He seems like a perfectly nice guy – minus the sparks. Where are the sparks? Where are the sparks?

Finnair-flying here from Germany soon?

Ding! Fingers crossed, fingers crossed.

After she thanks him and leaves, she sits in her car in Citymarket’s parking lot and thinks about everything.

Ah, it’s kind of cool to go on all these dates. (I don’t know where people get the idea that Tinder is promiscuous. Well, I guess it depends on how one uses it)… Meeting new people and finding out who’s out there…

People are curiously fascinating. Ha! It’s like conducting my own field work in social studies/divorce-and-back-to-dating-near-your-forties research.

Well, as long as there’s respect and honesty, no waste of time.

Humpf.

#12 was a waste!

She reads Christian’s messages and then calls her mom.

18:33 Hello! Been in bed all day. 😊 Just got up. Feeling a bit better, thankfully! Plenty of water, hot drinks and paracetamol for me tonight. Hope you had a nice day.

Thanks for the pictures. I love Helsinki. It’s the perfect-sized city – you can walk everywhere. Never seen that cottage though. Love nature. Especially covered in snow! 😊

18:43 😊😊 Calling my mom now. Maybe I’ll talk to you later?

“So… how have this week’s dates been going?” Riittaa inquires happily even before saying hello.

Come to think of it, mom hardly ever says hello – jumping right into the matter at hand.

“Oh, mom. So interesting! Blah, blah, blah…

“…But I can’t help but feel quite excited with the Englishman I’m going to meet on Sunday. He seems to be well-mannered and smart. But not in a boring way… Blah, Blah….

“You know, today I told him I don’t know if I’m ready for dating yet. And he had such a respectful, mature response. Blah, blah…

“He’s always like that. Blah, blah, haha.”

“Yeah, I have a good feeling about this Englishman, too.” — Riitta is a woman of straight-to-the-point-just-the-necessary amount of words.

Quite a character – I just love her – funny and devoted and 100% her sui-generis self.

“Though he sent a horrible selfie today! Haha. But I don’t care. All the men I’ve met so far have turned out to be quite different in person, anyway.”

10 years older, 10 kg heavier, 10kg thinner, no beard, no smiles, no normal eye-to-eye contact, nicer clothes, shorter, you name it.

“I’m starting to think this gender is just not into their looks – to them, the world of selfies is from another universe – at least the men from my generation.”

“Yeah, meet him in person and then you’ll see.” — mama agrees.

,
21:01 Hello. Cough cough splutter. 😊 Hope you are keeping healthy. Maybe I should have been a teacher and eaten lots of apples?? I went back to bed. This is my first cold in ages. Hopefully a long sleep and I’ll be back to normal.

Hope you had a nice call with your mum. Does she live nearby? Wish I had the energy to write act III of that story we started. The cottage gave me some good ideas.

And your nice pictures. 😊

21:21 Hi, yes. I had a great chat with mom. She lives in Tampere, about 180km from here. Comes to Helsinki once a month. Dad, less often.

So sorry you’re feeling worse. 🤒🤧 Just stay in bed from now till Sunday morning and you should feel better. 😊

Unless you need antibiotics. Sometimes it’s good to check that it’s not angina, right? Look into your throat and see if there are any white spots around. If there are, you’re only getting better on meds.

21:27 Happy you liked Helsinki! And it’s not even my favorite city in Finland… Tampere, Oulu and Jyväskylä are better in some ways.

21:31 I hope you’re sleeping to recover. And if you do recover enough to come to Helsinki…

…we can just play a game at my place – do something non-tiring. Maybe I’ll let you lie under a cover to watch a movie and just take it easy. Let’s see.

21:36 Ahhh, that’s very kind. I am very much looking forward to seeing you on Sunday. I’m sure I’ll be fit and well by then. 😊 Movie, games. Sounds like a good day! Nice and relaxing.

22:02 😊

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. End of Day 58 feeling curious and reassured.

Chapter 55 – The Interim

Tuesday, 16 February 2016.

Day 58

Anna goes away from Tinder Date #12 feeling restless.

Disappointed.

She’s been too busy and is feeling a little worried about her daughter Kristiina, as well.

Not that she’d been too excited with any of this week’s dates before meeting them…

I don’t understand why people even go to the trouble of going on dates with half-efforts.

Nothing we don’t devote ourselves to can become special in our lives.

We learn to love what we serve – in other words, give our best efforts to. Time, energy and affection.

On the other hand, we shouldn’t throw our pearls to pigs…!

We just can’t love what we don’t respect. We don’t appreciate what comes easy. I definitely don’t enjoy half-hearted stuff. Not for me, no.

These half-wits!!

Christian puts in lots of effort into our chats. Good manners, a positive attitude, respect. Flirtiness. Like Frederick – except for the flirting.

She’s feeling a little too tired when he finally sends her that smile selfie he’s been promising.

What?! So different from his other pictures. What??

Oh, what if I don’t like him in person?

All these last events make her ponder over things and worry a little bit. She appreciates honesty, so here it goes.

16:30 Christian, I’ve been thinking… Can I share a little?

I have a question. Is now a good time to ask?

14:37 Hi there. Yes, of course. What’s on your mind? Can I ring you up?

Oh, maybe soon. I’ve just been thinking that my separation is so recent. Imagine. It happened just last December. Yours was in September? So, maybe you can relate…

Here I am two months later… On Tinder. I’ve been on quite a few dates already, and even though most of the men were nice, I didn’t feel any attraction – except maybe with one. Still, I didn’t want to keep on seeing him.

Most of them asked for second dates, but I just didn’t feel like it. And that has made me wonder whether I’m ready for this or if I still have too much emotional baggage to deal with…

I love chatting with you every day. It’s so nice!

But I’m wondering: since I don’t know if I’m ready for anything more (and we don’t even know whether we’ll have any chemistry in person)…

Are you interested in becoming friends with me if we feel no attraction? You seem to be a great person and I could really use some new friends at this point in my life. And… if nothing else comes out of this, at least we could both gain something precious. No wasted time!

I love having a warm well-mannered person to chat with, like you. The best on Tinder. 😊

Anna is being very sincere. At the same time, what she’s not telling him is that based on the previous dates, she knows that some men who seem nice online are so boring in person.

Discouraging, really.

Or then so horribly dressed. An urgent need for the dentist’s?

I am not a superficial person. I make lots of new friends easily and respect every human being. I believe every person was made to be loved and appreciated for who they are. Everyone has their brokenness and their beauty.

Still… that doesn’t mean that I have to accept just anyone into my life, as my boyfriend! Without chemistry there’s nothing – Frederick is right.

Hmmm. Who should I give a chance to?? I’m not looking for a perfect guy. My expectations aren’t too high. I don’t care if he’s my age, younger or 10 years older.

I don’t mind if he’s short, like the other women on Tinder seem to do.

I don’t care if he’s overweight – or middle class, like me. He doesn’t even have to be super handsome.

(I’ve read that it can be good for the relationship if the woman is just a little better looking than the guy. That way, the guy feels like he’s scored and the woman feels great, because she always feels pretty in his eyes. He’ll be happy with this. Value her more? I don’t know if that’s true, but it does make sense…)

So, what am I looking for?? Well, I certainly know what I do like.

Hmmm.

I like kindness and good manners – I hate constant bad moods.

I like good communication. Don’t really feel attracted to slow, boring men who won’t chat or talk much. They don’t ask anything – or then they do, but don’t comment on my answers.

Dull!

He doesn’t need to have a PhD, but I need intelligence. Mr. Pedro/Ex was very smart and I loved that about him.

Funny, hardworking, a good dad (to his own kids). A good enough listener… A guy able to make decisions and take action.

A mature man. Playful, too. The man in the relationship.

Affectionate. Oh, very, very affectionate. That’s what I dream of the most.

Sigh.

Oh, gosh, does he even exist? My cousin Caleb and my brother Moses are like that. My father, too. Some of my friends, as well.

But is there someone out there for me…?

Am I too demanding? Do I have to lower my expectations?

Hmm. Most men my age are married. 90% at least. And the other 10% includes the lazy ones, the crazy ones, the smelly ones. The half-wits.

OK, maybe I could give up some of my expectations. 😯

But, but, I’m talking about who to bring into my intimate life! Not just about who to become friends with.

Into my life, my home, my heart, my body, my history, my dreams.

My present and my future.

And vice versa.

I definitely have to do some research on the topic this week.

Anna, thanks for opening your heart to me. I have loved chatting with you, as well. I can see you’re a kind person, and so beautiful!

Everyone has baggage. I do, too. We’re all flawed, but we won’t know about the chemistry if we don’t meet in person. No pressure, though.

I’m interested in friendship, as well. Hopefully more. Life is good but gets lonely, like I said before. I’m coming to Helsinki just to meet you. If you’ll have me.

Work? I can work from my computer, from anywhere. You are the reason I’ll be flying there.

Wow, what a man.

At least this cool friendship. Fingers crossed for more. 🤞🤞🤞 I hope he’s as lovelicious as his messages.

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Day 58 and five to go?

Chapter 52 – Kristiina’s Phone Call

Monday, 15 February 2016.

Still Day 57

Just as Anna is entering her building – less annoyed after the fresh air and the jog – her phone rings.

It’s her daughter, beloved Kristiina.

“Hi, sweetheart, how are things over there at dad’s?”

“Oh, mom. I’m so stressed out!” — she sobs.

Poor darling dear!

“What’s up? Good that you called me.”

“I’m just exhausted. Feeling stressed out and a little down.

“There’s way too much school work! Essays. Normal homework. Exams.

“The school days are soooo long. I come home tired, rest for ten minutes and then study until 1 a.m. I can’t take it anymore.” — she laments.

“Not enough sleep, not enough time for hobbies or exercise. Not enough time for my friends… And now the divorce and two homes. I’m feeling upset. Help?”

Eurgh! We stupid adults can’t be happy together and our teens have to suffer the consequences.

Eurgh.

But we tried everything!

“Kristiina, my dear, so sorry you’re feeling that way. I understand. I do! Please, always call me and talk it out. Any time.

“OK, mom.”

“What can I say? Is your father there? Can he help you?

“Kris, you know he and I tried everything, right? At least you know we stayed together for as long as we could? For your sake.”

“Oh, mom! I wish you hadn’t. It was horrible to see some of the fights and have so many family holidays ruined. No. It’s better this way. You deserve better. You both deserve more love in your every day.”

“Oh…” — I feel the same way.

“Yes, I really wish you had divorced earlier…

“It’s just a little overwhelming right now. I’m exhausted.”

“Kris, I’m glad you called me. Do you want to come over tomorrow? We can have a snack together any time, you know that.” — they’ll always be my priority. I’m still raising our teens.

Kristiina promises to come over if she feels the need to.

“Just wanted to talk… It’s good that you and dad accepted my suggestion.”

Recently, she suggested they live two whole weeks at one place before moving to the other parent’s. That way, there’s less packing and moving here and there all the time.

“The new system feels better? You’ve always been wise – we do listen to what you have to say.” — Anna smiles.

“I miss you, you know! But it’s nice you send me pictures and messages on WhatsApp every day. And your prom dance is in four days. Wow. You’re going to look so beautiful! I can’t wait to see you.

“Why don’t we look into you studying a bit slower? In Finland you can go through high school in four years. Please consider it. You’d have more time to sleep and meet friends…”

With Kristiina it’s always like that. We have to tell her: study less, sleep more, go party, live a little, have fun. Sweet girl! So responsible.

Now where were we?

Back to Christian – the Englishman, of course. The other one’s out for good. Gosh.

20:07 Basically it’s free time Sunday and Monday. 😊

21:15 Hi! Good to hear from you. Was just on the phone with my daughter. Maybe I’ll tell you later. Excited to meet you on Sunday. But getting confused with the dates. I guess your work plans keep changing? ☺️ If you want, you can reserve only Sunday and Monday initially. And if we feel we still want to see each other again during that week, then you’ll let me know if any extra time comes up.

21:24 Good evening. 😊 I’m coming to see you Sunday, and free all day Monday and Tuesday morning. If you want to see me… Hope that all makes sense. Sorry for the confusion!!

Still lost.

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Day 57 was a long, long day.

Chapter 51 – Living and Yearning

Monday, 15 January 2016.

Still Day 57

What a clown! Annoyed, Anna is thinking as she walks back home from the second date with Christian – the wrong Christian, the American.

I’ve got to start doing my screening better.

If this is not going to add joy and affection to my life – to two people’s lives…

…it’s just pointless and a waste of time!

Her steps get quicker in the cold. It’s good to walk to clear her head.

But I have to be brave.

Have faith, Anna!

I won’t meet anyone if I just stay home and give no one a chance…

Keep being proactive.

Whom to give a chance? Hmm.

Christian, the Englishman, sends a message. She smiles.

21:05 Hello! I’ve had a really busy day. Sorry I’ve not been able to write/call. It sounds like you’ve had a busier day in fact!

You’re lucky you have a ‘normal’ job. Bit different in the world of start ups.

I’ve booked the Radisson Hotel for my stay on Sunday and Monday. Tuesday, Lilla Roberts. Basically it’s free time Sunday and Monday.

Oh! And how I yearn for love, passion and sharing the simple good things in life. It’s been so long. More than three years since I’ve felt like that.

I’m certain there are well-mannered, mature, kind men out there, also looking for someone.

There must be!

Even if most guys my age are taken.

Especially the good ones.

She starts jogging home to fight the cold.

There’ll be exceptions. Recently separated/divorced?

Someone like me!

Yes.

Her phone dings. It’s tomorrow’s date, Eli. They’re just going to have a coffee at McDonald’s on her way home from school.

Because, you see, later tomorrow evening Anna’s going on yet another date. Another coffee at yet another café near Citymarket in Ruoholahti.

A Finn and a Canadian. Should be interesting.

Ah, I have to phone mom and update her! That’s always fun.

Mom gets excited every time she hears a new story – some details left out, of course.

Just as Anna’s entering her building – definitely less annoyed after the fresh air and good thoughts – her phone rings. It’s Kristiina, her daughter.

“Hi, sweetheart, how are you? How are things going there at dad’s?”

“Oh, mom. I’m so stressed out!” — she’s crying. Poor darling dear!

It’s just one of those days.

Vivendo y aprendendo. Living and learning, living and yearning.

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Still day 57 since moving out.

Chapter 41 – Oxymoronic Paradoxes

Monday, 8 February 2016.

Day 50

During her lunch break at school, Anna sits down to scribble in her diary.

Dear Diary,

Long time no write! Sorry.

There’s something I’ve been reflecting about and want to register here.

Betrayal.

Awful word, but intrinsic in human nature.

I remember just last year, a month before moving out of our last home together…

…I had already signed my rental apartment’s contract and was spending my afternoons and evenings looking for good deals to buy furniture and whatnot. (That part was fun, tbh. I adore moving and decorating. I’m good at it! I love looking for solutions).

Anyways, the shopping kept me busy and focused on practicalities for the near future, instead of the immediate pre-separation…

…valley

death.

As you can imagine, I’d go from excitement and exhilaration to deep sadness.

Agonizing joy.

Energetic exhaustion.

Blue fun.

Fearful hope, dreaded freedom.

Oxymoronic paradoxes.

The silent screams of my soul felt pretty loud to me, at times. Good grief!

Some say that people get divorced too easily nowadays, but sincerely? I don’t believe that most people take separation lightly. It’s scary and painful! They say it’s like amputating a leg.

More like amputating a part of your heart. :(((

For better or for worse, we were together for 22 years. Neither he nor I took it lightly, see? Even though it wasn’t ’til death – at the end of the end.

I wish we had divorced eight years ago, when he first said he wanted it. We wouldn’t have wasted so much of each other’s time and would have avoided more excruciating heartbreak and some other drastic measures (no comments)…

Nevertheless…

I am grateful we were able to part in one piece.

Ops! Part in peace!

Where was I?

Yes, during that pre-separation month, I’d feel relieved and then anguished. Little did I know it was going to turn out to be a cruel kindness – what he was doing to me (at least that’s my hope now).

If only people knew! They’d divorce sooner.

But people with bad marriages fear. So, they make haste s…l….o…..w……l…….y…………..

They’ve got to go through the process to progress.

OK! Be wise, don’t rush it too much. Prepare the way for a (better?) future.

As I was saying… at times I’d cry in the shower. I’d let go and then the next second hold on for dear life.

I’d love him with all my hate.

I’d agonize and think about betrayal.

“Do you already have somebody else?”

“Anna, I’ve already hurt you so much in this marriage. There’s no reason for me to hurt you more right now.” — The holy sinner – damned saint would repeat!

Not unlike me…

Some of the church people we know judge him, but I’ll respect him for not remaining a hypocritical chaplain in the end. For finally having the courage to be true to himself.

And give me my freedom to (try) to find love again.

(Maybe the painful journey of self-love first?)

It’s always better to deal with the truth, no matter the blow. I’ll choose hearing the honest truth 90 out of 100 times.

The truth shall set you free – true – free to fly the dreadful flight of freedom.

How can we make the best decisions for our own well-being without the truth??? People have no right to keep us prisoners of lies.

Nonetheless…

…”Speak the truth with love”.

Would it have been better to stay in the bad marriage and feel alone together?

♥️ I’d much rather be together alone someday. Just the two of us! Mr. Bf and me. ♥️

As I was saying… I’d cry in the shower thinking about betrayal. I felt so betrayed!

Yet, what was the betrayal??

Was it that he was jumping in bed with another lady?

For me, the greatest betrayal was not that.

He fell in love. O amor é lindo.

As Dr. Helen Fischer says, “love is a powerful brain system, more powerful than sex drive. It comes from primordial parts of the brain – way below the cortex. It gives you the energy, the focus, ecstasy, the despair and the motivation. To win life’s greatest prize – a mating partner”.

Aye, no!

(Btw, she’s studied brain scans of couples who have been romantically in love after 21 years together. It can happen!)

“Passion makes people climb the highest mountains and sail the raging seas. Romantic love inspires poets, musicians, commoners”.

Its memories make people write books. 😇

The Bible says love covers a multitude of sins.

Then, what was the betrayal?

The betrayal for me was this:

How can he prefer not to have me in his life? To just erase me, swipe me out.

After everything. All the memories. All the battles, victories, photo albums and family memories. All the patience and forgiveness. All the support and growth. All the emotions!

All that investment in vain?

How can someone actually find they’re upgrading their lives by taking me out of it??? His best friend for over half his life… To think he’s better off without me than with me? Unfathomable.

I felt like garbage. Rejection was the betrayal!

That actually felt like death. A resurrection I should have welcomed?

Why not sooner then? It would have saved me some of my youth.

And what about our kids? They say divorce is harder on teenagers than children.

Wow.

But no problem.

Now I know his cruel kindness was for my best, too.

A passionless marriage is not true for me. Holding on is just wishful thinking. Wasted years? I think so…

Men and women out there: pleeease do not hold on to someone who doesn’t love you. Please do not fear. You deserve to be loved with all of your lover’s flawed human heart. Everyone does.

Mutuality!

But, silver linings, silver linings, Anna! Don’t get depressed now.

Everything happens for a purpose. Or at least you can give it a purpose and make it meaningful.

I sure am turning my pain into something beautiful.

In this long, long diary entry, my mind has been wandering everywhere – itinerant from place to place. I can break it down later, but I did warn you in the title.

And it does happen with pre-separation. Consider separating, do it, and your mind will thus wonder and wander while your heart rides a scary merry-go-round.

OK, long story short – finally:

Divorce??

More like amputating half of your heart!

Hey, maybe I need a heart transplant!

A new heart? I like that.

I’m gonna think of divorce as an open-heart surgery from now on. Painful, risky, extreme. I’ll need time for convalescence… But not alone, please…?

The Divorce Paradox = a seemingly false, but significant step.

Anna, you’ll get a new heart – hope for a stronger one!

You’ll still retain your brain, your memories, your soul, your you. But you’ll have the chance to start over.

Bitter sweet. New beginnings. A crash landing? New-found grace.

And an opportunity to be true. To love again and do it much, much better.

Obs. Day 50 of an oxymoronic new life.

http://gtotd.blogspot.fi/2007/06/oxymoronic-paradox-wisdom-of-yogi-isms.html

Chapter 37 – Why I Am Doing This

Sunday, 7 February 2016.

Day 49

Dear Diary,

Today has been a time for some reflection, and now in the evening I feel I want to scribble down some thoughts.

Turning 39 recently… the separation… our new flat… are the teens going to be OK?

Tinder! Eight dates, elation, fun, tears, peace, a little sadness, too. Prayer. Separation sure creates a merry-go-round of varying emotions.

Mixed feelings. But tbh, negative ones have been rare since November. Believe me if you will. More often than not, I’ve been content since I moved out.

I have the chance for a new beginning. It’s normal to feel sad, at times. Naturally. That’s life! But I’ve actually been quite OK for the most, and I won’t complain about that!

Hmm, my dad is telling everyone that “Anna is doing fine. She is so relieved.” He even posted that on FB. Haha. Face-palm.

I had enough suffering within the marriage, so now I’ve left the fights back there. Broken objects, too.

Let me be happy now. I am determined to!

(Yesterday was the first exception since November. I felt blue all morning, but strong again in the evening).

So……….

After a long delicious nap this afternoon, I decided to think about why I have been going on these dates.

Love it or leave it.

Tinder, that is.

I asked myself:

OK, what do I want?

Well, I believe in love! I love love. I love passion. I am a people person, very social. Prefer company. Besides, I have time in my hands. And lots of curiosity.

And a big heart, ready to love again. ❤️‍

What’s the hurry?

Oh, no hurry. After twenty-two years with the same man, it’d be crazy to be in a hurry to find another husband.

So, what are you looking for on Tinder now?

Well, that was what took me the longest to answer. But then I came to the following conclusions:

(1) In the short term, just meeting new people, socializing. Finding out who is out there. What kind of men are single and on the lookout. Long interesting conversations. A few new friends?

Yes, excellent. Nothing wrong, scary or desperate about that. 🙂

(2) In the medium term, I’d love to find a boyfriend. Life is definitely for sharing. And I’ve got so much love and affection to give!

I want to add value to a man’s life and heart. To his days. To his thoughts. And he must as much to me, too!

And finally, (3) In the long term…

…someday, if I’m really lucky. I hope to share my life closely with my Mr. One again.

Happy sigh!

Hey, one thing I know for sure: if he exists, he has already been born!!! 😂

He’s somewhere over the rainbow… 🦅

So, wherever he is right now, I hope he’s fine and looking for me too. Longingly.

Obs. Day 49 of stay! Now you know what you’re doing.

Chapter 36 – But Sunday’s On the Way

tiainen – kopio (2)

Sunday, 7 February 2016.

Day 49

The brass band plays during the morning service. It’s powerful!

Oh, so very touching!

Anna doesn’t attend too often anymore (it’s hard to look at the pulpit and remember Mr. Ex standing there singing, playing the guitar, bringing the Sunday sermon).

A decade of memories.

But she wanted to sit here this Sunday and just scrutinize her own soul.

Afterwards, she walks home in the chilly sunshine, listening to a Ted ed video called “Who am I?”

https://ed.ted.com/lessons/who-am-i-a-philosophical-inquiry-amy-adkins

“Who am I?

Throughout the history of mankind,

three little words have sent poets to the blank page,

philosophers to the Agora,

and seekers to the oracles:

‘Who am I?’

From the ancient Greek aphorism inscribed on the Temple of Apollo,

‘Know thyself,’

to The Who’s rock anthem, ‘Who Are You?’

philosophers, psychologists, academics,

scientists, artists, theologians and politicians

have all tackled the subject of identity.

Their hypotheses are widely varied and lack significant consensus.

These are smart, creative people,

so what’s so hard about coming up with the right answer?

The challenge certainly lies

with the complex concept of the persistence of identity.

Which you is who?

The person you are today?

Five years ago?

Who you’ll be in 50 years?

And when is ‘am’?

This week?

Today?

This hour?

This second?

And which aspect of you is ‘I’?

Are you your physical body?

Your thoughts and feelings?

Your actions?

These murky waters of abstract logic are tricky to navigate,

and so it’s probably fitting that to demonstrate the complexity,

the Greek historian Plutarch used the story of a ship.

How are you ‘I’?

As the tale goes, Theseus, the mythical founder King of Athens,

single-handedly slayed the evil Minotaur at Crete,

then returned home on a ship.

To honor this heroic feat,

for 1000 years Athenians painstakingly maintained his ship in the harbor,

and annually reenacted his voyage.

Whenever a part of the ship was worn or damaged,

it was replaced with an identical piece of the same material

until, at some point, no original parts remained.

Plutarch noted the Ship of Theseus

was an example of the philosophical paradox

revolving around the persistence of identity.

How can every single part of something be replaced,

yet it still remains the same thing?

Let’s imagine there are two ships:

the ship that Theseus docked in Athens, Ship A,

and the ship sailed by the Athenians 1000 years later, Ship B.

Very simply, our question is this: does A equal B?

Some would say that for 1000 years there has been only one Ship of Theseus,

and because the changes made to it happened gradually,

it never at any point in time stopped being the legendary ship.

Though they have absolutely no parts in common,

the two ships are numerically identical, meaning one and the same,

so A equals B.

However, others could argue that Theseus never set foot on Ship B,

and his presence on the ship is an essential qualitative property

of the Ship of Theseus.

It cannot survive without him.

So, though the two ships are numerically identical,

they are not qualitatively identical.

Thus, A does not equal B.

But what happens when we consider this twist?

What if, as each piece of the original ship was cast off,

somebody collected them all, and rebuilt the entire original ship?

When it was finished, undeniably two physical ships would exist:

the one that’s docked in Athens,

and the one in some guy’s backyard.

Each could lay claim to the title, ‘The Ship of Theseus,’

but only one could actually be the real thing.

So which one is it,

and more importantly, what does this have to do with you?

Like the Ship of Theseus,

you are a collection of constantly changing parts:

your physical body, mind, emotions, circumstances, and even your quirks,

always changing, but still in an amazing and sometimes illogical way,

you stay the same, too.

This is one of the reasons that the question, ‘Who am I?’ is so complex.

And in order to answer it,

like so many great minds before you,

you must be willing to dive into the bottomless ocean of philosophical paradox.

Or maybe you could just answer,

‘I am a legendary hero sailing a powerful ship on an epic journey.’

That could work, too.”

She smiles.

Now, the second part of her Sunday Soul Service has been completed.

Who is Anna?

I am the compelling heroine of my own adventurous soar.

Yes, indeed!

Dear, dear.

Dearest me…

…your who has been shredded into bits in the last years, hasn’t it?

You must piece it all together again!

Do rediscover yourself, darling.

Deconstruct.

Reconstruct.

Become a stronger version of who you are and aspire to be.

Just… don’t lose the sweet, warm parts of yourself in the process. OK, little one?

Obs. Day 49 for the Mighty Little One.

Chapter 35 – Saturday Blues

Saturday, 6 February 2016.

Day 48

Morning comes and she’s feeling blue. Anna just needs some answers.

Who am I??

What do I want now?

What am I seeking?

Why am I doing this again??

Yes, why?

What the heck is the hurry, huh??

What is wrong with you, stupid Anna???

Tears are rolling down like a river, as she lies in the darkness of her bed.

She calls Mr. Ex.

Not concerning their past marriage, no!

I hang on to people, but then when I move on, I really move on.

Not concerning him. Just about herself. Who am I? What’s going on?

Pedro and Anna have spent over half her life together. He may not love her as his wife anymore, but she knows he cares about her as her best friend and the mother of his children. She has no doubt that he wishes her well, too.

Just not with him.

He listens in no hurry, feels her pain, comforts her. Tells her it will be alright. Talking with him is so easy.

She feels better.

Obs. Day 48 since moving out of Mr. Ex’s home – their last home together.

Chapter 33 – Empanadas de Kebab

Friday, 5 February 2016.

Day 47

🎶 The girls need a break, tonight we’re gonna take
The chance to get out on the town
We don’t need romance, we only wanna dance
We’re gonna let our hair hang down 🎵

Do I really?

“You look good, Anna.” — The surgeon arrives and gives her a hot kiss.

She’s not wearing a dress, high heels… Nor red lipstick. She is looking pretty in her own way, thank you very much.

They go and sit down in the second row of the movie theater. Anna’s sister and niece on her right side. Ümit on her immediate left. And next to him, his daughter and Sabri, her fiancé. All united for the Avant Premiere and the spilling of Ümit’s guts.

A typical date. 😁

Very curious to learn about his life…

The documentary starts. The lights are dimmed and Anna can sense the surgeon’s nervousness.

He grabs her hand for support. It’s cold and he’s shaking like a wet puppy. Poor doggy. She smiles and assures him that it will be alright – pressing his hand affectionately.

In the very first minutes of the show, there’s a scene in which the surgeon’s daughter is assisting him in filling an online dating form. So, right at the start and Anna already discovers about his preferences in women. Funny.

Everybody in the theater laughs heartily during the show. Well done! Talented director.

The documentary portrays him as a strong-willed, stubborn, funny, hardworking man. A loving/controlling father, whose daughter finally moves to Turkey to have breathing space, connect with their relatives there and grow as a person.

Anna can feel how they love each other immensely. She is happy for them.

Reader dear – yes you! No need to tell you much more, because if you’re the curious type, I’m sure you can easily google up this documentary, using just your brain a few key words.

Flashforward to October 2017 and Anna’s at the cottage again, one of her favorite places on Earth.

Writing.

She calls Ümit from there. She wants to ask for his permission to write about their dates, since he can potentially be recognizable.

“How are you, Anna? — he asks with his sexy accent and warm style — “Have you remarried?”

“Oh, not yet,” — she laughs — “but I did fall in love last year…”

“Really, tell me about it!”

“That’s why I’m calling you, tbh. I’m writing a book…”

“Interesting…” — he comments. With a rising, curious, investigative pitch in his friendly voice.

“It’s about the experience of being a woman, a mother, an ex-wife, a teacher, a friend… A vulnerable, yet strong human being. Someone who, though brokenhearted, still has the courage to believe in new love. She needs to deconstruct and reconstruct herself. She just needs to find out who she is now. And she joins Tinder and, voilá, you’re one of her dates. Number 9. Just 46 days after her separation.”

“Wow, you were quick and active!”

“Oh, I met Mr. Boyfriend a few dates after ours. Actually, just a few days after meeting you, as well.”

“Haha. Good. And is he from Finland??”

“Well, you’ll have to read the story to find out. You know how poker-faced, mysterious and slow Finnish guys can be, don’t you? But I won’t reveal anything at this point.

“So… I’ve reached the chapter where it’s time to write about meeting you. And… our dates were so different from the others. Really fun (well, mostly), that I’d rather not change them too much, if that’s OK…?

“You know, I was lonely and I direly wanted some fun that evening. You distracted me. I needed that!”

“Good, good.”

“I can change many details in my writing. For example, if you want I can say you came from abroad to Helsinki for a medical conference. We matched, and you took me to the conference gala as your +1. A gala where you were going to give a speech and receive a prize? What do you say?”

“Hmm. Let me think for a second. Maybe you could just change my name and my city? Now I’m seeing a nurse, but at the time I wasn’t seeing anyone. We were both single, we had a good time. So…”

“Yes, and I want to describe all the positive stuff.”

“Yes. You do that. It’s your story. Write from your heart. Maybe I can proofread before you publish it?”

“Yes. And do send me a Turkish name you’d like? On WhatsApp?”

Ding!

Anna receives some suggestions to choose from. As well as…

Write briefly about our night ending with talks about religion.

Did it happen? Remind me please. Tell me what you remember and I’ll use some of it. Co-author. 🙂

I remember feeling excited! Let’s meet and reconstruct it all again?

Funny guy! Now I know why I had such a great time with you!

Seriously!

Hmm. I’ll think about it.

Ümit says he could be a gynecological surgeon in the story. What else? Anna emails him the previous chapter and he likes it. He’s quite flattered and wants nothing changed. I told you he likes the spotlights. Artistic man!

But now, back to Day 47 and our second date…

Ümit is being interviewed on stage after the documentary. He looks pleased. And relieved.

Anna’s sister congratulates him and leaves with her daughter. It’s late. Anna and Ümit walk to the cocktail celebration hand in hand.

There, she meets his people.

This is a very Turkish-South American kind of date. Extended family?? Friends. Ex-wife and her lover! Workmates. The whole bunch.

Bring the kebab already. Empanadas de queso, por favor!

Noisy. Warm.

“Anna, in a couple of years, you will already have raised your teens and we will travel the world together! I’ll buy an apartment in Rio – sea view – and we’re moving in together. OK?”

Hours later, after much kissing and some grabbing, Ümit opens his heart a little. He’s looking a bit sad.

“Anna, I have everything. A career (I’m a good surgeon)! A wonderful daughter. Money. Trips.

“A documentary!

“What’s the meaning of life? Where will happiness come from? Does anything make sense?? What about this big void? What else is there?”

“Oh Ümit.” — sigh — “Those things are all good. You are so privileged!

“Still, I believe that only God can fill our deepest, biggest void.”

“But I don’t believe in God. Isn’t money the god of this world?”

“Well, are people really fulfilled with money, careers and all that stuff?”

“No.”

“So there, you see?

“I’ve had lots of problems and suffering in my life. Everyone suffers in different ways sooner or later, sadly enough. I don’t know where I’d be without my faith in God and the strength I get from it. He is the one who fills my void, ultimately.”

“Really?”

“Yes, and if you want, we could pray…”

He closes his eyes, they hold hands and Anna prays with him. For them.

“Anna, it’s late. Let’s sleep now.”

No! She wants to go home and sleep in her own bed. He walks her to her car, like a gentleman.

Day 48

The next afternoon, he calls her up.

“Anna, let’s meet! Let’s spend the day together. I like you!”

She is feeling a little sad. — “No, Ümit. I don’t think we’re right for each other.”

“Ah, come on. Let’s make each other company, have some fun!”

“Thank you, but I think we’re looking for different things in life. You want company and I’m looking for a relationship.”

“Eurgh. Why do women always want to define things? Can’t we just have a good time? I could send you a plane ticket. We could travel together. I’ll cook for you!”

“Ümit. I admire you!

“You paint your own house and plant your own apple trees. You cook like a true chef – I’ve heard. You seem to be a very loving father – raised your daughter alone. While studying Medicine in Finland.

“In Finnish!!

“Becoming a good surgeon in a country like this. That’s impressive.

“But… you smoke, you swear, you like to party hard? I think we’re just too different… Besides, I’m a little angry at you!! So… friends?”

“Thank you! Haha. OK, let’s be friends. Yes.”

“And I think you’ve achieved so much! You could find lots of purpose in helping others with what you have to offer.”

They discuss that for a bit and he gets excited. He says he could start a social project to support single dads. I’d be proud of him if he did that!

There’s a time for everything, but Anna believes that if we’ve been given any strengths and special advantages in life, they’re not to just be used for our own benefit alone. We should try to relieve people’s pain with it. Protect the vulnerable. Help the weak. Bless the needy… Make someone’s life a little happier?

Yes, that’s our main purpose in life.

Now, remember the cat?

Well…

…You’ll just have to keep reading. 🐱 Yes?

The gory details. Are you curious? Do you want to know?

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

Obs. Only day 47 of does everything happen for a reason?

Chapter 31 – Nothing Much

Thursday, 4 February, 2016.

Still Day 46

Nothing much.

It’s 6 p.m. that very same evening. An uneventful evening, it turns out.

We’re too different. Apparently he needs to sleep early and I go to bed late…?

Anna’s looking pretty as she turns the key and enters her flat – soaring with stonewalled energy and frustrating expectations.

🎵 I was going out tonight, still feeling alright…🎶

OK, I practiced some dating skills. Not a complete waste of my time, then… An OK guy – this Riku.

Yes, it’s been only a month of Tindering and she’s already been on 8 dates.

Forty-six days since moving out, since the separation. Hmm… Out of their last home together… It’s just Mr. Ex’s now. And the teens’.

And God knows who else’s?

Oh, cringe!

Hurtful bleeding bloody ouch.

Stop.

That’s a ridiculous understatement.

Grotesque.

How about this?

From last June to January, Anna has at times felt lunged at, knocked down, assaulted by fate. Stabbed with a knife that life has “thrust, jabbed and skewered” her lovable heart with – until near death.

Sigh. She knows she’s not a victim, and takes responsibility over her choices, mistakes and actions…

Still, I can’t help how I feel!

Well, I’ll tell you this. If you ever find yourself in this same predicament, there’s just one thing you should do. One.

Forgive.

Now.

Full stop. Categorically.

Move on. Just move on.

Bless him; wish him well – you won’t regret it. For the teens. Co-parent like Mary Poppins would.

Don’t you dare dwell on loss. Onward march! You deserve it. Be really happy. Abundantly. Survive at all costs. Stay resilient. Think selfishly of yourself too, now. Have loads of fun. As much as you can. Look at the bright side, at all the perks. Raise that dopamine, but be safe. Don’t be alone. DO NOT ISOLATE YOUR SOUL. Hug all your friends and relatives. Let them splash their affection over you. Take care of your kids. Love them with all your being. Let the tears roll down sometimes. But laugh out loud much, much more. Infinitely more. Watch lots of comedies. New hobbies? More volleyball please. More jogging. New friends? Please, maybe find a good guy. Believe he’s out there. Someone who wants you, sees you. A nice person. A powerful healing embrace. Chemistry. Just do it, come on. Postpone the frightening mourning, the deathly grief. Don’t you feel lonely tonight.

Quick!

Urgently Suffer Later.

L-a-t-e-r.

When you’re stronger.

That’s what Anna’s doing, anyways.

And the only way to go if you’re sane.

Sigh.

This whole separation thing is so very recent.

Deep in her heart, Anna has no doubt – whatsoever – that it’s for the best. The very fairy best.

It will most certainly turn out to be a super clear, mega blessing in disguise – eventually. There were just too many things they couldn’t take anymore. Betrayal. No attraction. No romance. Twenty more years of friendship? Nobody deserves that. To please society, the church?? Don’t you want more?

Honesty!

Honestly…

One

Life

Live.

They were over each other. They lost faith?

It’s not that…

So, what is it, then?

What is there to be sad about? Why can’t Anna just enjoy a peaceful pleasant home-alone Thursday evening? “Read a book, relax!”

Well, fathom this for a second.

I can’t!

Your recent home – now previous…. The place where your teens are spending this very evening with their father… The place that you’ve recently redecorated in style and with the loving work of your hands…

Where you hung the curtains you’d just sewed… The place you cleaned and decorated for Christmas just fifty days ago…

The place where your youngest child is probably devastated, hurting, missing you – feeling “Where the heck is mom and why isn’t she here?” …Trying to be brave to pull through… The place your own family lives without you two weeks a month…

Oh my God.

After two decades of making a house a home – with love, with passion. With joy. And lots of human imperfection… History.

That place…

…Is a place where you’re no longer expected. You’re not really welcome there anymore.

So… nothing much.

Just that.

Obs. Still day 46 since moving out.