Tag: finland

Chapter 24 – Resilient In The Storm

“So don’t be afraid – you are worth more than many sparrows.”

 

February 2016 (and before).

 

There’s a little birdie flying in the Finnish sky. Clouds or no clouds, sunshine or rain, our sparrow spreads its wings and glides away. She soars, back-flips, twirls and dives.

She’s free, you see?

After a long, long time, she’s happily – finally – free to fly.

She wasn’t his prisoner. No, they were friends – both in the same cage. Then came craze and maturity and now they’ve both been freed to age with dignity.

There are other birds out there. Flying her way and she theirs.

“No! Go away – you’re not him.” Let’s see what happens when she finds 16.

  🐦

 

Tears are bound to come soon, but truth be told, Anna has been feeling relieved and delivered.

The last two years of her marriage were all about friendship, kindness, and awkward final attempts to reconnect. A few last fights.

Then he quit.

It just wasn’t meant to be?

Of course it had been shocking when, in the summer of 2015, it had felt as though he was far away and as good as gone already. They were spending a long holiday in Majorca with the teens, but no, no connection. Just a huge unsurpassable gap.

July to September flew (haha). Then one day in the latter, they were sitting in her car in the afternoon. He touched on the topic of a separation.

Oh no, not again…

Anna couldn’t bear his candid, unruffled reminder-threats anymore!

Stressful!

Yet, she turned to him and…

It looks as though he has accepted the situation and is at peace. Hmmm.

At that moment, she searched her soul, down to its most unerring part and back, faced the tweet 🎵, permitting herself to feel fully and honestly all that she really, truly felt.

Take a deep breath!

And then very calmly, very lovingly said:

“Pedro, I think we should stay together. We have our teens, all the memories, our photo albums, all our victories. We have just moved back into our renovated flat.  We’ve redecorated! The teens have settled in their new schools and made friends. We’ve found new jobs, paid our debts and can start saving again.

“I don’t want a divorce” — she went on — “and I love you. We have all we need to grow closer together, open up our hearts once more to each other after our many storms. And just be happy, leaving the past in the past. All the hurt, all the heartbreak!”

Long sigh.

“Having said that…

“…The only reason, Pedro, the absolute only reason why I’ll want a divorce is…

“…if you look into your heart of hearts and know — you just know that you don’t love me enough. You don’t love me like I deserve to be appreciated. Like everybody does.

“In that case, I do want a divorce, too.

“But, I won’t ask for it. You will have to be brave enough and make the decision. To take that leap of faith.”

A flight of faith?

 

It felt amazing to speak with such veracity.

They finally connected.

 

And a week later he asked for the divorce.

 

It was a slow-paced process — that dragged on for years — the whole thing. Now, four months after that earnestness, Anna has been living in her adorable flat for almost six weeks.

All the tears seem so 2015 to her! Tears that purified her being, nonetheless. She feels washed up and freed:

A new beginning! Há males que vêm para o bem.

A blessing in disguise. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Even in the (dark, wintry) Finnish skies.

© 2017 rf

🐦

 

P.S.alm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place… My soul yearns, even faints… my heart and my flesh cry out… Even the sparrow has found a home… Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley… they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength… Hear my prayer Lord… Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper… than dwell in the tents of the wicked. No good thing does he withhold… Blessed is the one who trusts in you.

Chapter 14 – Be Active… Stay Happy?

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Hard work runs in the family. Granny, mom, Anna, daughter Kristiina… Sister, aunts, all the ladies!

Granny Anna (who our story’s Anna is named after) is amazing! At 93, she’s calm and very active. It’s no oxymoron, you know.

Granny, affectionately called Mummo by everyone, has survived cancer twice in the last ten years. When the doctor gave her two months to live, she asked people to pray for her cure, because she loves life and isn’t ready to die. 😍 So far, she’s been cancer-free in all her yearly check-ups. Yes!

Still living alone, every time Anna goes there unannounced, Mummo’s home is clean and tidy. She often cooks delicious lunches for twelve-fifteen of us and has lots of other pastimes, such as having coffee with friends, baking and sewing in large quantities. It’s out of this world, really.

Mom is cut out of the same cloth. Her current project: she’s hand-knitting and giving out 900+ scarves. Almost one per day, and they’re beautiful!

 

What about our Anna? Oh, she’s definitely used to being super busy, too.

In the last years, she had her family and home to take – almost – impeccable care of. A full-time job, hobbies, friends (you simply have to make time for them, don’t you). And all the while pursuing her dream to get bachelor’s and master’s degrees.

So, full-time studies, too.

She wonders why some women who neither have a job nor studies, can’t even manage to keep their home tidy!

And some single students don’t have kids, don’t work and take forever to graduate.

Anna graduated in six years.

When she had exams, she’d sleep only six nights a week. She’d study all night long after work and family, drink a Red Bull and go to the university. From there, straight to work. Great grades, happy, creative work.

Intense.

But she made it! With joie de vivre, really. And lots of playground time with constant adventures with her kids. ❤️‍

 

After graduating in 2012, the family moved around the world for a while – long story. Maybe later (or… maybe better not).

Back in Finland, she fought for a job, went on many interviews, got a teacher’s tenure position and has had time to try to start the new habit of a little jogging and going to the gym. Then came the divorce.

Gosh.

Point is, Anna’s used to being surrounded by people and very, very efficient with her time.

Yes, she’s the productive type.

Yes, it does run in the family. True.

Nevertheless…

Anna knows that she became more focused on, let’s call it ‘efficiency,’ because what she really, really longed for was to stop, as often as possible, for love and affection. ‍

Busyness is a sort of escapism. It keeps you from being too sad about reality.

 

Mummo’s a widow, she has to fill her time! It’s healthy – Anna thinks to herself.

But when you’re married and you don’t stop… is it because of the lack of romantic chemistry, the lack of that wonderful emotional bond?

Sigh.

You must fill your time with other activities. 😏

Things weren’t as they should and sex was just a hobby between Anna and Mr. Ex – like a sport of sorts. You know how to play well. You do it often. But where’s the excitement?

 

Anna’s life has changed drastically. From a full-time everything, she’s now an only-two-weeks-a-month-with-the-teens kind of mom.

Work and hobbies, too, but there’s not enough to do!!

All of a sudden she’s feeling she has too much spare time in her hands.

You see, Anna has a big, joyful heart, and she thinks she is ready to love again.

I am!!

She’s also got a dark empty flat when she turns the key in the lock after work and pushes the front door open.

A heart, a place and time.

 

And love can stop time.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Love, come and make me stop!

 

 

 

Chapter 13 – Swiped Out

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Saturday, 23 January 2016.

 

Day 34

 

Dear Diary,

I’ve just had a nice jog and morning coffee. It feels good!

Swiping for over two weeks now. 150+ matches. Lots and lots and lots of simultaneous chats, of which maybe 10% end up being really interesting (i.e. entertaining, deep and wise, funny or flirty – things like that), but…

I’ve only been on 5 dates and Tinder is telling me “There is no one else near you!”

Say, what??

That’s all there is?? Are all the other men in Finland taken???

What??!

Apparently, I’m all swiped out.

Haha. Maybe I’ve played Tinder to its last phase. Uh-oh.

Game over – oh, no!

 

On the positive side, I seem to have nice matches on my list. I feel there’s potential with some of the upcoming dates (I’ve booked a few… 🤓).

It’s surprisingly easy. Guys are eager to meet up face to face and happy to go out for a coffee. A few of them have even told me that it’s cool that I actually want to meet them in person, because there are many ladies who just want to chat. That’s so strange. 🤔

 

Ah, let me tell you.

There’s this one guy I matched with who seems so nice! Really. 😊 For one, his profile text is adorable. Check this out:

 

“Frederick (40)

Smart, loyal, romantic, dad, 5’10, enjoys travelling. Goes to the gym to keep fit. Enjoys the great outdoors. Enjoys eating out, especially curries. After friendship and hopefully more. I read other people’s profiles rather than just looking at the photos. If this appeals, then swipe right.”

 

How sweet is that?? 😻

I’m quite impressed, tbh. Then I realize he’s…

 

 

 

…1868 km away!!

 

 

 

And think to myself, that explains it – he’s not from Finland…

Hey, maybe that’s good news!

In Finland, most guys write nothing in their profile. I hate that! Laziness? Put in the effort, Finnish dudes!!

Privacy? Fear?

I’m not wasting any time:

Hi Frederick, you sound great!

Hi Anna, how is life? Are you in Finland? Fred x

 

Blah, blah, blah. Distance. Family. Board games. Jobs. Blah, blah. Pastimes. He is nice!!

 

Oh, I absolutely love the outdoors, too! I usually walk 5-15km a day, cycle around, jog a little. Enjoy picnics with bonfires in the snow, cottages in the middle of nowhere. Nothing could be better. I’m only half-Finnish, but I live in one of my favorite countries. Do you ever come to Finland?

I explored Scandinavia when I was younger. Would love to go again. I recall Finland is a beautiful country, with beautiful girls. 🙃

If you are half-Finnish, what’s your other half?

Now you guess my other half! I’ll just say it’s to the left of Europe. And that I speak five languages (four fluently)!

 

He guesses correctly.

My first guess. What a star! 🙂 You have a dark complexion. And Anna is a Spanish-type name…

I’m impressed by your language skills!

 

Blah, blah, blah. And then we discuss our divorce and letting bygones be bygones.

Yes. I saw it coming for many years. But I’m also loyal and romantic and just held on for life. For the family ideal, for the ideal of marriage. And hope…

But I wish him all the happiness, healing and success that life can bring. I want no bitterness for this new phase of my life!

Well, sounds like you believed in marriage.

Best way to be. Let the resentment go. My ex-wife and I were together for fifteen years, but I now have the chance to fall in love again, and the mad chemistry that love brings.

 

He looks handsome in three of his pics.

(1) Nice beard, jeans shirt, looking sideways – kind of in the diagonal – with a big smile.

(2) B&W. He’s drinking coffee, looking very intelligent.

(3) He’s cute and youthful, wearing a cap in a close up. With a cool expression, there’s warmth and joy in his eyes.

(On the other hand, I  h-a-t-e-d  the pic where he’s dressed like a teenager: boots, cargo pants and a hoodie. Sunglasses and a cap. NOOO!! That’s how my pupils dress).

 

I see you sometimes like to dress as a rapper. Caps, hoodies. Is it always?

Oh, the hoodie pic was just to show you all what my body looks like. I do generally dress my age, though I wish to be young.

 

Well, nobody’s perfect. Hmm. I wonder how he likes my pics. Maybe he’d have a few improvements to suggest, as well, huh?

We’ve been chatting daily. He seems super 👍. Tech manager, two kids, lives in England, loves board games ➡️ one of my favorite hobbies!! Besides, (and I’ve told him)…

I love guys who speak with the British accent. Gives me goosebumps. 😅

(You can blame Hugh Grant for that – 😍😍😍)!

Oh…! I wish Fred – and Hugh – lived in Helsinki!!!

He seems genuinely interested in making friends, which I find very honorable, so we want to keep in touch.

As for coffee dates, I’ve had to be careful not to over-book or double-book. 😅 Especially because I’ve decided to just go out when Kristiina and Joey are with their dad.

When they are here, I want to focus on them.

Of course!

Oh, how I miss those two! They’re coming back to my place Sunday evening: happy!!

 

© 2017 rf

Obs. All names have been changed, and chat messages were published with the match’s kind permission.

 

Obs. Day 32 since moving out. I wonder what now?

 

 

Chapter 11 – Tinder Date #1

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Sunday, 17 January 2016.

 

Day 28

 

What do we have here?

Jani is good-looking in his pictures. Older, over fifty for sure. Good posture, well dressed.

His facial expression isn’t dead – haha – but doesn’t reveal much either.

Anna and Jani have been chatting a little and he seems respectful and intelligent – qualities she admires in a man. The chat flows for a couple of days and doesn’t get dull, so when he invites her to a morning coffee date, she cheerfully accepts.

Finland is such a small country that when she googles his first name along with some personal info he’s hinted at, she easily spots him on Google pictures and finds out he is a high-rank military officer.

After meeting Anna, he’s going to be catching a ferry to Tallinn at the West Harbor near her home. She suggests the Little Big Café inside Verkkokauppa, just across the harbor – practical for both of them.

 

She takes a long shower, feeling just a teeny bit nervous.

It’s my first date ever, after all! At 39.

She met her ex when she was just 17, remember? They had no money for dates. Besides, they were teenagers, hanging out with friends and lots of relatives in South America (which was awesome, btw).

By the time they started going to restaurants and trips, just the two of them, they were already engaged to be married, and knew each other really well.

So dates with strangers like in the American movies?

Yes, my very first. Yay! 🦋🦋

 

She blows-dry her blondish highlights nicely in front of the mirror. Anna’s going for loose with natural waves.

Her makeup is subtle and she’s wearing deep-red slim jeans and a long-sleeved basic matte black blouse. The finishing touches are her best black woolen overcoat, a nice scarf, new gloves and leather boots.

Casual, but cute. 🙂

She’s asked her friend Tom for any dating tips he could muster from the top of his head, and he said never to wear perfume on the first date. Or then very, very little. If the person doesn’t like the smell, you’re done.

That makes sense. So, no perfume.

 

Anna spots Jani immediately after going up the escalator. He’s very tall, elegantly dressed and his overcoat looks expensive.

He greets her with a firm handshake, keeping his back really straight at all times.

She smiles, he grins.

 

They are standing in line, small-talking, when he turns and asks, “So, coffee or tea?”

“Coffee please,” she answers with a friendly smile, feeling those butterflies in her stomach. This is so cool!!

And so weird.

She hears him ordering a coffee for her and a tea for himself, and quickly changes her mind. If we end up kissing, the coffee taste in my mouth won’t be so great. 😏

“No, no, wait. I’ll have tea, too.” — she says in a friendly way.

He turns to her, visibly impatient, and asks again, irritably this time, “Which is it? Coffee or tea?”

 

To be honest, she can’t even remember what she answered. She’s just thinking, wide-eyed, how very military of him!

Well, at least he’s insisting on paying for our drinks.

They sit down to have their tea (I think), and his well-mannered questions feel like an interrogation, not a date.

Hey, I’m being scrutinized, but I’ll humor him. What a stiff type!

Amused, she’s trying to imagine what a military relationship feels like. It occurs to her that at 50+, he looks much older than in his pictures.

But handsome...

After a few minutes he says he needs to leave and she offers to escort him to the harbor, in her normal social manner.

“That won’t be necessary. Nice to meet you. Bye.” A final handshake and he marches away: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4.   Yes, sir!

That went, uh…?

 

That night they send each other their final messages. She politely asks him about his cruise and thanks him for the coffee – no, tea!

He is polite, too, but says he didn’t feel any chemistry.

Uh, really?

They wish each other well and unmatch.

Had I only been decisive about what I wanted to drink, Anna sulks.

Yeah, right. 😂

Next time, I’ve got to be better prepared: always know your coffee from your tea, Anna!

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 28 since moving out.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 7 – Tino?!

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

 

Moikka Anna, ootpa tosi nätti 🙂 Mitä sun vuodenvaihteeseen kuuluu?

Kiitos! Sinäkin olet komea.

🙂 Kiitti, sun tekstin perusteella ootkin toki kansainvälinen tyyppi. Puhutko mielummin englantia vai suomea tämmösessä chatissa?

Englantia.

Ok, that’s fine. So, you’re a teacher? Have to say I always felt that teachers are kind of hot, like really hot… Something that must come from the time when I was young and still in school. 🙂  Are you teaching languages?

 

Monday, 11 January 2016.

 

Day 22

 

Married at 19, mother at 21, a dedicated friend, a good wife, an awesome mom.

She had her first teacher’s job at the age of 11. Her first official job at 17. Loving every moment of it. But then, maybe too young to be working so hard to pay the bills with Mr. Ex – trying to grow and get somewhere together.

 

Everybody suffers, and they’ve had their fair share of it. Who hasn’t? Her Ex-mother-in-law’s tragic death (murder), Mr. Ex’s depression years that followed. 😭 Devastating. And too heavy for this book.

And even before those tragic events, Anna hadn’t been feeling too lucky-in-love-and-romance, anyway. Family life, friendship, uncertainty, longing, frustration, kissing, laughter, lots of sex, loving, suspicion of betrayal, trips, raising beautiful kids, loans, university studies, work load, game nights, sports; more uncertainty. Fear of loss.

All intertwined.

 

What does it feel like to really love and commit to your spouse… To be good to him. Affectionate, hopeful for better times. Year after year.

To invest in him, argue and keep supporting and challenging him to be a better man. And just be there, for better or for worse, ’til death…

…and feel you’re not getting half of that back? 🤦‍

Oh, she fought for his love. In dignified ways – make no mistake. And how often she cried – alone – bitter tears of hurt. Never getting why it felt she wasn’t good enough for him… It stung so much to feel that way!

In her heart, she always believed that she was imperfectly wonderful.

She didn’t know it wasn’t really personal.

Hurt people hurt people. And they hurt each other numerous times.

 

So… now she’s going to enjoy a little happy-go-lucky, for the first time in her life.

No more tears!

It feels less overwhelming to just turn her back on the past and move on!

Anna has been taking care of herself in the last years. Body and soul. Right now, she’s feeling cute. Younger, a little wilder and free. Will you help me root for her?

Here we go!

 

 

Anna has been feeling beside herself. She’s been asked out on dates by some Tinder matches, but she’s asked everyone to wait.

She’s so into Tino right now that she’s simply lost interest in all the other chats. He’s coming back from his China business trip tomorrow and they’re finally going to meet in person.

Two days. My very first date! Yay.

This is so exciting!

 

Tino is this super cute Finnish engineer who works for KONE. His vibe is respectful, intriguing and fun. He is so warm and nice that they quickly move their communication to Whatsapp.

Trips, cultures, pastimes, favorite South American and Finnish songs – they’ve been chatting about all those things. He told her he plays instruments and is a good dad. Well, I should hope so… Good dads are a big turn on.

For her, chatting with Tino has been pretty amazing (hot), and she has the feeling she’ll like him in person.

He writes non-stop, answering fast, pursuing her all day long. They joke, act silly, send cute messages, and so on. This has been going on for over a week and she can’t help but feel thrilled.

He sends her a pic of his face, lying over a colorful pillow, along with a Finnish song about lions.

Romance has always inspired the artist in her. So this morning, while her pupils are focused on some exercises, she puts his song and picture together, quickly coming up with this:

 

 

It’s so weird. Now that she stops to think about it, she realizes that she’s never been on a date. Ever!

She can’t wait to finally meet him this week. 😊

 

 

Tuesday, 12 January 2016.

 

Day 23

 

Dear Diary,

 

After days and days of chatting, what a disappointment!!

What the hell??

 

About our meeting… Things changed in my life, so that I’ve agreed to focus on my family. Hopefully you understand. Anyway, maybe in this situation better to take a time out and cancel our date. 🙁

Really? 🙁 I was looking forward to meeting you and even said wait to five-six other guys who asked me out last week. 🙂 But, my kids come first, too. You seem to be a nice person, so I’ll just wish you all the best! Ciao.

 

St#u&p%id Tino thanked me for understanding, kiss kiss, and mentioned maybe asking me out in the future, but what the fuck…??

Very odd. Is he married??

Hmm. Although Tinder’s mechanics couldn’t be any easier to use, human behavior makes it just a little more complicated, it seems. 

Well…

Bola pra frente! Onward, soldier.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. E”#ur%g&h!! Shitty new beginnings.

 

 

Chapter 4 – Well, Look at You Now

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Tuesday, 5 January 2016.

 

Day 16

 

Ha! This is so amusing!

Not even in her wildest of dreams would Anna have imagined that someday she would be a divorced mother of teens, living alone two weeks a month and – above all – swiping left and right. Well, mostly left. 😏

Quem te viu e quem te vê.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s how the Tinder app works: you create an online profile through your Facebook account, after which you get to see pictures of other Tinder users, with or without a profile text.

In theory, when you see somebody you like, you swipe their picture to the right side of your smart phone. At this point, you may or may not have looked at their possible text/other pics. When you don’t ‘like’ the person, you swipe left.

Anna looks at everything before deciding which way to swipe.

If the person you swiped right to has also swiped you right, the two of you become a match and are now able to chat with each other. Genius!

 

If you as the reader are thinking “So what? No biggie with Tinder!” … that’s because you don’t know about Anna’s history well enough yet. For her, using Tinder is huge.

And remember she has been alone for only 16 days.

After a twenty-year-long marriage.

 

To top it up, Anna comes from a kind of, what shall we call it? A less worldly background. Granddaughter, daughter and ex-wife of pastors, to be precise. Anna herself has also worked for the same church in the past. And even though she does not consider herself ‘religious’, her faith is central to her – no doubt about it.

So, for her, it feels extremely exciting — and almost sinful — to be having a go on Tinder.

 

She thinks a lot about the profile text she wants to have there, before coming up with this:

Fun-loving, international (5 countries, 20 cities, 5 languages), half-Finnish/South American. Smart, artistic, sociable. A think-outside-the-box-hardworking-independent kind of teacher. Separated. Mom of teens. ❤️

Volleyball, jogging, working out. A healthy lifestyle and your inner beauty.

Please tell me you’re communicative and fun without alcohol – then it’s OK to drink a little. For me, God is love. Looking for new friends, but a cool guy once said, “life’s an adventure,” so you never know… 😊

(Later, she uncovers what her dates understand by “fun-loving” 😅🤣).

Anna never liked video games as a child, though she did play Atari a little bit. A decade ago, playing Tetris on the computer was super cool. It is just not the same on a touch screen, so bye-bye addiction.

She always says that the only video games she approves of have to start on the left of a TV screen and move only to the right. And up and down, of course. Super Mario was awesome to try out! But mostly, she just used to watch her younger brother Moses play it to its last phase, when they’d be really excited and celebrate!

Gosh, today’s games make her dizzy.

Joey, her son, loves playing Counter Strike and Grand Theft Auto. For Mr. Ex, Fifa was the way to go. Her mom Riitta was addicted to Candy Crush for a long time, but never spent a dime on it – quitting after she realized there would be no end to its 900+ phases.

Anna would never play with anyone’s feelings, but this Tinder “game” is fun! Real people in a real game?

What are they all doing there? What are they looking for? — She wonders mesmerized.

Wait.

What am I doing? What I am looking for??

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 16 since moving out. New beginnings and some confusion.

 

 

Chapter 3 – A Change of Heart

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Saturday, 2 January 2016.

 

Day 13

 

Dear Diary,

Things have been going quite well, but you won’t believe what happened! I was driving yesterday when Mr. Ex called, asking to book a time with me to sit down and talk.

“Ex, is it that serious that you cannot tell me over the phone??” — I feel furious for about ten minutes… Hey, that’s a new record for me, as I hate holding onto anger.

Then I get a grip and call a couple of friends. My best friend advises me to catch Mr. Ex off guard and really listen.

(Hmmm. Is he saying I’m a better talker than listener?? 😁).

 

We go to the closest Hesburger. I am feeling calm, but curious. Don’t ask me how.

“Anna, how are things?” — Mr. Ex attempts to small-talk.

“Just fine, thanks. But you didn’t bring me here to chit chat about trivialities now, did you?”

“Hehe,” — his fidgety laughter —  “Eh, first of all, I just want to say that in all those years we were together, I never loved another lady. You were always the only one.

Really?!

“Until now.” — dead silence for a split of a second — “But, I promised you that you would be the first one to be informed, so we need to talk.”

“Who is she?” — I immediately need to know.

 

Of course it had crossed my mind that he had another woman.

That’s an understatement. Of course I unknowingly knew it.

I just knew it.

We always know. Don’t we?

That time last fall when he insisted I not join him at the karaoke bar. He basically pleaded with me to go home and meet him later.

Or that other time when he wrapped his iPhone tightly with the cables of his earphones, putting the damn thing under his pillow and sitting on it, after I’d asked to look at my recent birthday pictures — what the heck??!

And that time when I asked him to please just tell me bluntly and he’d answered: “Annita, I’ve hurt you so many times in our marriage… I don’t want to keep doing it anymore!”

 

Men don’t usually get a divorce before they have found a new person.

Why would they exchange the comfort of a home with a wife, a friend, a mother and extra earnings for a new phase with less money, more responsibilities with the kids, and the added loneliness?

“Oh, Anna, she’s asked me not to reveal who she is to anyone yet. She’s afraid everybody will hate her and think she is culpable of breaking up a family.” — he tries.

“Who is she…?? — I pressure him.

“I accepted your decision to get a divorce, Ex, but I won’t take no for an answer now!” — I make it clear (and then try appealing to his logic)  — “Ex, you and I have been great friends, hosts and co-workers, right? But on the emotional level our marriage hadn’t been OK at all for a very long time...

“So, I won’t blame her, you know that. Tell me! — he looks thoughtful and nervously laughs a little.

“Ex, you’ve got to tell me!! — he’s still silent, so I threaten him — “If you don’t tell me…”

“What?” — he looks alarmed for a second.

“I’ll just complicate every single thing I can, from now on.” — I smile victoriously.

He chuckles — “Yeah, I told her I was going to try, but knowing you, kind of thought I wouldn’t be successful.”

Haha. Score!

 

So, the truth is out. 🙁

He’s dating a university classmate of his…! The one who got really wasted at our place, when he cooked his classmates dinner a couple of months ago.

At the time, I’d thought, “Who goes to a family home for the first time and gets stupidly drunk?” After which she’d kept hugging me and telling me how beautiful I am — WTF?

E%ur#g!h, I hope Ex gets really fat and bald, fast!!! — is how it feels.

Nevertheless, I consciously decide to turn the other cheek…

But it stings — bad!

And to sadly wish them well.

I’m feeling subdued for a moment. Stupid life!

I’m so mad at him, but, but, but…

The guy has suffered his fair share on Earth – I’ll give him that. I’ve also caused him pain (he admits he’s caused me much more)! Why would I want him to be unhappy? When you really love someone, you want them to be well.

Mixed feelings. I’ve been experiencing relief and freedom, but this feels novel now.

OK…

Exhale…

This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to do this forgiveness thing my mother taught me — “I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven” (Jesus) — For my own sake, not for his.

 

Cannot help but being myself, though, so I offer him some unsolicited advice.

“Hey Ex, I have some things to say now. Hear me out, OK? — He looks doutbful and it feels like a small victory that he’s stuck and has to listen.

“Be the best possible dad you can, focusing on the teens when it’s your turn to take care of them. If your new relationship doesn’t work out…” — at this point he rolls his eyes —  “…your kids will still be there for you if you don’t neglect them now. You don’t want to become like your father……

“Hey, and don’t you abandon your faith! Keep talking to God. Your mother taught you that and it has always been so important to you. Even though it may feel contradictory to what you’re doing right now, and church people — especially — will most likely judge your actions… — (both of us grew up in ministers’ families).

“Finally, try to do things right in the relationship this time, will you please?” — I poke him — “Try to make her happy, OK? If it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll know you did all you could? The rest will depend on her,” I finalize it.

I mean all I’ve said, yet I know there’s a hidden complaint in my last advice…

 

He asks me if we can change the upcoming dates of childcare so he can travel to the Bahamas with Ms. Newbie this week.

Right…

That explains why he wanted to talk. Haha!

“Yeah, let’s help each other,” — whatever — “But remember this later on, when it’s my turn to travel!” — I’m hoping there will be a plane crash…

…But no, that wouldn’t be fair to the other passengers. 🤣😅🤣

 

He thanks me, wishes me well and we hug good-bye. Lightly.

Do I love him or hate him?? It feels like I don’t know him anymore. As if I’m hugging a total stranger: 22 years have amounted to this eerie moment.

Surreal.

Doesn’t feel normal at all – so much to process.

Later.

Not now.

I’ll do that later.

 

That night I’m feeling a little annoyed. My ego is hurt and I have a serious change of heart: if Mr. Ex can fly to paradise and act like a teenager in love, I also get to have some fun and try out a few new things.

Staying single for a year? Ha! Ridiculous!

So, tim……….…ber with that plan.

No, Tin…der, here I come. 😊

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 13 since moving out. New beginnings!

 

 

Chapter 2 – The Broken-Up Together Xmas

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

 

Tuesday, 29 December 2015.

 

Day 9

 

Dear Diary,

How are you doing?

I am fine.

Really.

You doubt me?

Well, you know women – and you know me. If a fair amount of mood swings are normal within my cycle, just imagine now, under the present circumstances! Seriously. 🙁

It’s been a week since I moved out from Mr. Ex’s home.

Our last home together. Our last whole-family home.

Wholeness.

Were we whole together with so much abyss between us?

I am whole alone?

Yes, I am and will decisively remain so!

 

As for the latest news:

Remember how I told you Mr. Ex and I decided to celebrate our first Christmas party together to make it easier on Kristiina and Joey, our teens?

Christmas Eve went fine, thank God.

Phew.

Our traditional Finnish Xmas food was so delicious: smoked salmon; oven-baked ham encircled by prunes (served cold); gravy; rutabaga casserole; and creamy beetroot salad. Chocolates and lots of ice cream for dessert. Yummy!

We were all in an amicable mood and able to behave in a civil manner, giving each other nice gifts and friendly smiles, including Mr. Ex (!), who gave me a forty-euro H&M gift card, to my surprise.

I’m not fully buying it… Hmmm. Too good to be true?? Anyways… I feel that it’s better to keep the peace – and everybody wins.

Darling Lisa joined us from central Finland with her kids (the teens’ third degree cousins), as well as Ida, a kind of extra granny they have got. Varamummo, in Finnish.

Ah, how could I forget Joey’s illustrious puppy Jack Black, an adorable Jack Chi who loves to snuggle up, but is also strong-willed, playful, intelligent and, OMG, soooo cute?

The deal is he’ll live a week a month with me and the rest of the time with Mr. Ex.

“Oh, you want a divorce? OK. You take the dog three weeks a month. You know I won’t want to clean his white fur off my couch every day!”

Mr. Ex and I only live a km from each other, so it’s easy to see him if I ever miss him too much.

The dog, of course!!

As if…!

 

The next day – Xmas morning – the teens and I exchange a few more gifts and Kristiina’s makes me cry – literally – a wrought-iron hook with a heart on top for our new kitchen.

I’m so hooked on hooks, they’re so practical! Kris knows I adore them, and the fact that she really put in some thought into buying something she knew I would love made me very emotional.

Crying and laughing at the same time was so hilarious that she filmed the whole episode. (Maybe I’ll show you the clip someday).

I always remind Joey and his sister that even when we have little money, it’s still important to give a simple gift to the people who matter in our lives – at least if we’re going to spend a special occasion with them.

Birthdays and Christmases simply cannot go unnoticed. Nothing makes me feel more unloved than that… (I’m writing this with pouting lips)! 😏

Actions speak louder than words, after all. Don’t you agree?

It does not have to be anything expensive. For instance, you can think of something the person likes or something that could be useful.

Quality is key, so a small pack of Lindt chocolates, a piece of poetry, a drawing or home-baked cookies can do wonders. I honestly don’t care if the only thing I get is a pair of socks, as long as they are handpicked and, above all, presented with love.

Look into the receiver’s eyes and give them a heart-warming smile and a bear hug – and voilà!

The simple things in life. Ahh…!

They make me happy.

It doesn’t take that much in life…

 

OK, OK… I admit it.

People who know me the best find it super hard to buy me gifts. I have a reputation at home for thanking you for your present, then putting it into my gift supply box to give it on to somebody else in the future. I’ll confess my sins.

Just think about it: it’s ecological. If it’s something I know I won’t like, wear, use or need, why open it?? Everyone should do the same!

If you really want to be sure I’ll be the one to enjoy your gift, get me a box of eggs, a salad, or a pen and paper. A Chili Lindt dark chocolate bar. A car wash, a candle, good coffee, a Levi’s or Diesel jeans. 

Or then a Light Coke. 😋 Ops! I’m trying to stop with my only vice – so maybe not!

Socks. Yes!! Socks… Someday I’ll share my life closely with somebody again (but it will have to be someone as cool as me), and we’ll give each other good socks for every birthday and every Christmas. One pair each.

And sometimes on a normal day too, just to be romantic. ❤️‍😍

And we are going to wear them all.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 9 since moving out. New beginnings indeed!

 

 

Chapter 1 – Separated Anna

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? The Prologue and Intro. 🙂

 

Sunday, 27 December 2015.

 

Day 7

 

Separated Anna has started to settle down in her new flat. It’s been three days since Xmas Eve and the teens have been with her since then. She’s feeling merry that they are spending time at their new place together.

She loves Kristiina and Joseph so much. Forever and for always!

“I love you guys too much… and not nearly enough!❤️‍” — is what she sometimes texts them.

Gosh, to heaven and back, to hell and back, and everywhere in between. Natural motherly love. Plain and simple.

 

Talking of feelings…

For the time being, all her tears have dried up. For now, she’s just focusing on making sound decisions: Keep your cool, Anna! Stay strong, try to find joy, be light, resilient and matter of fact.

Nonchalant.

Fight the low moods with sports and a healthy foods, Annita! Spend time with your teens, relatives and friends. Enjoy freedom!

OK, OK… If needed, cry a little. But not too often, please! — she rolls her eyes, annoyed — If Mr. Ex doesn’t want to be with me anymore, well, too bad for him. His loss – stupid man!

What do I care?

Anna has been through a thousand emotions in the last few months. Torrential tears, inexplicable laughter, numbness, rage, relief, doubt, heart-wrenching self-doubt. Just to name a few of the feelings that welled up from the most unbeknownst depths within.

Take the night she moved out of her home, for instance. It felt so horrible that she can’t bear dwelling on it. She won’t even allow me, the narrator, to further elaborate on that yet.

Unconsciously, Anna has postponed her final tears for the lost marriage to later on.

You actually can – willingly – push your grief into the unkonwn future. But warning! It will catch you there when you least expect it.

Anna’s storms are slowly brewing, the necessary mourning is still to come. Thunder and lightning – believe me! The narrator is here in 2017, so I already know everything that’s going to happen back in 2016.

This book will seek to relate to you the story of Anna’s attempts at self-reconstruction more or less in chronological order (perhaps with a few flash forwards and -backs).

Keep calm 👑 and Anna’s 2016 will be uploaded with novelty.

Sweet Lord Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Xmas donkey! 2016 will turn out to be a fun-filled year — sweet and full of passion — like she can’t imagine just yet.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 7 since moving out. New beginnings!

 

Introduction – Ready for a New Start?

Enjoy! This is where the story begins.

 

 Wednesday, 23 December 2015.

 

Day 3

 

It’s a school holiday morning just before Christmas in wintry, dark, freezing Finland, and the wind is blowing hard and relentless in Helsinki. Anna is alone – her new home finally ready, after a couple of months of shopping for furniture and household gadgets.

The new stuff is from Ikea, K-rauta, Kodin Ykkönen, Verkkokauppa and Masku, and the handpicked second-hand objects are from antique shops, as well as tori.fi. As she looks around, Anna feels satisfied with the Kenwood kitchen appliances and the PAX wardrobe with its shiny white doors.

The moving process has taken lots of the usual pragmatic creativity and focus, hard work, screws and nails, boxes, closet space, hooks, and above all the help of two-three friends. How would she have managed without them?

Gratefully, she realizes that now that everything has fallen into place, she’s feeling happy – strangely enough…

You see, Anna has just moved out of her ex-husband’s home, six days after their twentieth anniversary. Sure, they’d spent the last two years discussing a possible divorce, so it hadn’t come as a total shock, really. (The first time they threw the idea around had been eight years earlier).

All the investment of time, affection, energy, forgiveness and patience. So much emotional stress! So many attempts… Eurgh.

Then, when he’d recently made up his mind to go through with the divorce, she hadn’t been able to avoid an exhausting ten days of sudden tears in the shower, the car drive to work, and nooooo…!! Even in the middle of a lesson once, in front of her ninth graders, when she’d burst out crying while explaining the difference between the past simple and the present perfect.

More like a complicated past and an annoyingly imperfect present!

What a waste of life!

 

The first night all alone at her new place had felt like purgatory agony and shame, until the next morning, when her childhood friend Tom, a Brazilian living in America since he was ten, called to check up on her. An experienced divorcé, he had lots of empathy and a few good tips to offer. Grateful for the support, they repeated the phone calls for a few months into 2016.

 

Anyhow… today is today. And today she is feeling cheerful.

She is listening to a YouTube link Tom has sent her. It’s a lecture on love, sex and dating by Andy Stanley, who provokes the listener with the challenge “Are you the person the person you’re looking for is looking for?”

Andy believes that after a breakup, people should take a year off dating and spend it on becoming a better character instead. That way, one will later be able to both expect and welcome into their life a better partner.

Hmmm, wow, brilliant, Anna thinks to herself, I’m gonna try and do just that!

 

Her teens Kristiina and Joey are spending the first separation days with their dad, before they come to stay for a week on Christmas Eve. How must they be feeling???

Joey had wanted to move in with Anna from night one, but she simply couldn’t let him. No way!

Had to go through the dark inferno of the first nights alone, all by myself. You don’t want your kids to see that…! 😭😭😭

Mr. Ex helped her with the move, financially and otherwise. Besides agreeing with all of her suggestions – demands! For example, that the teens live every other week with each parent, so both will keep a close bond and take their share of the responsibility.

Who wouldn’t want that privilege, right?

They are actually going to have their first Christmas party as a broken-up couple together 💔, hoping to make the new beginning a little less tough on the teens.

Don’t you see?

Although the day has come when there are no options left but to face the music, dealing with the marriage-turned-bad with brutal honesty, Anna believes it’s vital to think of the kids and try to make the whole mess as easy as humanly possible for them.

She’s trying her best!

 

Aye, aye! I remember feeling I was about to become a bitter wife.

Like, you know those fifty-year-old women you see working behind the cash register sometimes? The ones with thin, stiff lips who look angrily at you, the customer, and you have no idea why? They just look so sour.

Whenever Anna sees them, she thinks of two things.

OMG, I’m NOT going to become one of them – they exude so much anger!

And when she’s feeling more merciful, perhaps something like, Who has hurt them? Their man?? Cancer?

Poor things.

 

But…

Big sigh.

What now?? What’s to become of me now? Hmmm…

 

I know. I know!!

 

Life has given me tons of lemons, but just you wait, Mr. Ex!

Wait and see how much lemonade I’m about to make! I’ll let you have a taste of it first. Maybe you’ll miss me?

Or drown in it for all I care…

 

Anna rides that stupid emotional roller coaster.

No… That’s bitter. – and bitter can’t be the taste she’s after now.

No, no.

No!

Long, long sigh.

 

OK. Then what?

Think, Anna, think.

No. Feel it in your gut!

She looks deep into her soul where a very nice vision pops up.

 

Instead of resentment………… My first ingredient:

Lots of sugar for me… 😊 and for my future Mr. Boyfriend. 😊 — Anna smiles now, more satisfied.

I may be vulnerable, but I am strong!

I feel fearful, oh damn, so very afraid!

(Relieved, too!)

Angry, yes.

Sad, definitely.

But bitter?!

I’m actually sweet. A very loving person! — she protests — Humpf.

If you really, really know me and you care to see… you can’t help but feel it.

 

(Hmmmm… I don’t think Mr. Ex agrees… Haha! Well, fuck it, who cares?)

 

Anna’s been working hard on seeing her cup half full – at least during the long days she’s been super busy organizing her new place, as she adores hard work and easily dives into new projects.

Now, sitting down on the brand new couch, she’s thinking that she’s had enough negativity, enough tears. She’s just had enough. She desires a new, hopeful beginning. Anna does not want to end up alone and miserable.

Is that even realistic??

Yes, she must be brave. She needs to go to work, earn a living, pay her bills. The teens need her! She just has to survive this hurricane with dignity and joy – and not too many tears.

Yes, that’s it.

So………………

It is thus that in that spirit of stubborness, she makes up her mind. Sisu!

You know what? I’ve succeded in being a positive person even in the midst of life’s many problems. I’m not going to go bad now!

I don’t want to.

A bitter 39-year-old divorced woman?

Hell, nooo!

After all, if life gives you lemons… whatever! Make lemonade. Yay!

Healthy lemonade, with just the right amount of sweetness.

© 2017 rf

 

 

Obs. Day 3 since moving out of her ex-husband’s home. New beginnings!
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