emotional roller coaster – Page 4 – The Chronicles of a Happy Divorcée

Chapter 28 – In the Forest

Tuesday, 10 October 2017.

Her work trip is long – an hour and twenty minutes from home to the second school where she teaches twice a week. Anna’s driving there now and wonderful English choir music is playing in her Kia Rio.

These drives are often special. When she doesn’t use the time for listening to Ted Talks or chatting with friends and relatives over the phone, she gets to meditate.

Reflect. Revisit her inner world and check how she really feels about things. Not just logically speaking, but more importantly, in her gut.

Heart. Soul.

A couple of deer have just crossed the road before her. Dangerous. But oh, so beautiful!

Her mind is empty for a change, and she’s just sucking in the majesty of the Finnish countryside nature.

Beauty – ah! What is beauty?

These wheat fields are it. Oh. Such colors! Now I understand Van Gogh.

Rain is falling gently from the grey clouds onto the slippery, curvy, hilly roads ahead, as the Chelmsford Citadel Songsters harmonize with each other. The trees all around her are shedding what they’ll have no use for in the coming seasons.

Gracefully, nonetheless.

Their yellow leafs dance their way down, blowing in the wind as they fall to the ground. To match the scenery, thankful tears of deep emotion escape Anna’s eyes.

Shamelessly.

Lots of people I love are going through so much. Both the good and the bad. And all those dates I had last year. Real human encounters some of them. And then love. I’m going through rain in my soul, now.

But behind those clouds, the sun is shining strong and it will conquer again.

She inhales deeply.

Nature is so amazing! And what about people? What makes a person beautiful? What makes a guy handsome in my eyes?

I know.

Very well.

She arrives at the school parking lot, stays in her car and quickly scribbles some thoughts on a leaflet. She’ll keep on working on the poem during her lunch break.

🍂 🌾

I’ve been wondering. What is beauty? Hmm, who is handsome??

I think beauty’s a sad countenance

With a hurt heart that’s healing.

A brave heart – succumbed –

That keeps resilient,

Like a little bird must in a cold, cold storm.

Beauty is…

…both generosity and self-confidence.

…self-esteem, a good posture.

And your smile.

Yes, yours. Who else’s, precious one?

Your weight, your height.

Being you. Your wrinkles.

Trying to become a better version of yourself (with help),

While being comfortable in…

Your own skin.

A fearless soul

Marching to battle,

Though so fearful in sacrifice, maturity.

A scarred soldier who conquers:

Beautiful is he.

Beauty’s…

Intelligence.

Producing and loving. Youthful vigor.

Experience. Old age.

A life. YOLO. R.I.P.

Acceptance is graceful – weaknesses and all.

Loving yourself in a healthy way

To then really, really love others:

Your neighbor, your soul mate,

Your father? Your friends.

Oh, beauty is a trusting spirit

– Like that of an innocent child.

Gentleness, uncorrupted sweetness, and kindness, delight.

It’s to be proud of your achievements, talents.

Yet humble at heart.

It’s certainty, uncertainty.

Genuine you are.

In service. Purity.

Determination, vulnerability,

Respect, authenticity.

Do shine your light!

Forgiveness.

Wholeness.

Your brokenness, too.

Gratitude. A joyful being!

Deciding to live in truth.

Your amazing body and that sparkle in your eyes –

Beauty is the whole package, you see? Cutie pie.

When you can be bothered

You’re so handsome, making lots of little efforts

Both in action and in words,

You hardworking, fun,

Affectionate Guy.

Beauty’s…

A person walking in the forest

In solitude.

If accompanied – oh!

They’ll soar, they’ll fly.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is!

Tudo é belo ao que ama…

It’s solving your problems and

Finding your purpose.

That, beauty is…

Most definitely.

Indeed.

🍂

She’ll read her poem aloud to some. She’ll send it to ten-fifteen loved ones she finds beautiful. Who inspire her. Including him.

Vincent_van_Gogh_-_Wheatfield_with_crows_-_Google_Art_Project – kopio

Wheatfield with Crows, 1890. Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

Obs. About a year and eleven months since moving out.

Chapter 26 – Ding! Plo-Plim. Ding! Ding!

Wednesday, 3 February 2016.

Day 45

Ding!

Plo-Plim!

Anna feels enthusiastic every time her phone dings.

Ding!

Yay…! Connecting with new people has been so interesting…

Sharing ideas, discussing big subjects, some intellectual topics, too. Being a little flirty at times (of course)! It’s all novel stuff, so our Anna can’t help but get all wired up.

There’s a time for everything, and this is the first time that Anna is free, you see? Free to explore, play the field – free to rediscover herself. Who am I now?

I don’t know, but this sure is fun! Yay.

Ding!

Don’t get me wrong, my dearest reader. When someone conquers her passionate heart, she’s ever the loyal and adoring type – aren’t twenty years proof enough, huh?

It’s exciting, too, being that passionate. And she’s undoubtedly a daydreamer.

Ah…!

Plo-Plim!

Yet, her personality type adores to explore.

Excitement, creativity, laughter, flexibility, sensations, curiosity, energy, drama, novelty intelligence, feelings, fun and unpredictability. That’s what I’m talking about, baby. That’s the kind of stuff that delights her.

Ah…!

Ding!

Besides, I’ll let you in on a little secret now.

Anna has yet to understand that about herself, but truth be told, our Anna’s a bit dopamine-driven. She needs a couple of challenges from time to time to ignite her adventurous problem-solving mode.

Yes, she even needs a tiny little bit of drama in her love life. Otherwise she’ll feel bored.

Obs. Day 45 since moving out.

Chapter 24 – Resilient In The Storm

“So don’t be afraid – you are worth more than many sparrows.”

February 2016 (and before).

There’s a little birdie flying in the Finnish sky. Clouds or no clouds, sunshine or rain, our sparrow spreads its wings and glides away. She soars, back-flips, twirls and dives.

She’s free, you see?

After a long, long time, she’s happily – finally – free to fly.

She wasn’t his prisoner. No, they were friends – both in the same cage. Then came craze and maturity and now they’ve both been freed to age with dignity.

There are other birds out there. Flying her way and she theirs.

“No! Go away – you’re not him.” Let’s see what happens when she finds 16.

🐦

Tears are bound to come soon, but truth be told, Anna has been feeling relieved and delivered.

The last two years of her marriage were all about friendship, kindness, and awkward final attempts to reconnect. A few last fights.

Then he quit.

It just wasn’t meant to be?

Of course it had been shocking when, in the summer of 2015, it had felt as though he was far away and as good as gone already. They were spending a long holiday in Majorca with the teens, but no, no connection. Just a huge unsurpassable gap.

July to September flew (haha). Then one day in the latter, they were sitting in her car in the afternoon. He touched on the topic of a separation.

Oh no, not again…

Anna couldn’t bear his candid, unruffled reminder-threats anymore!

Stressful!

Yet, she turned to him and…

It looks as though he has accepted the situation and is at peace. Hmmm.

At that moment, she searched her soul, down to its most unerring part and back, faced the tweet 🎵, permitting herself to feel fully and honestly all that she really, truly felt.

Take a deep breath!

And then very calmly, very lovingly said:

“Pedro, I think we should stay together. We have our teens, all the memories, our photo albums, all our victories. We have just moved back into our renovated flat. We’ve redecorated! The teens have settled in their new schools and made friends. We’ve found new jobs, paid our debts and can start saving again.

“I don’t want a divorce” — she went on — “and I love you. We have all we need to grow closer together, open up our hearts once more to each other after our many storms. And just be happy, leaving the past in the past. All the hurt, all the heartbreak!”

Long sigh.

“Having said that…

“…The only reason, Pedro, the absolute only reason why I’ll want a divorce is…

“…if you look into your heart of hearts and know — you just know that you don’t love me enough. You don’t love me like I deserve to be appreciated. Like everybody does.

“In that case, I do want a divorce, too.

“But, I won’t ask for it. You will have to be brave enough and make the decision. To take that leap of faith.”

A flight of faith?

It felt amazing to speak with such veracity.

They finally connected.

And a week later he asked for the divorce.

It was a slow-paced process — that dragged on for years — the whole thing. Now, four months after that earnestness, Anna has been living in her adorable flat for almost six weeks.

All the tears seem so 2015 to her! Tears that purified her being, nonetheless. She feels washed up and freed:

A new beginning! Há males que vêm para o bem.

A blessing in disguise. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Even in the (dark, wintry) Finnish skies.

🐦

P.S.alm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place… My soul yearns, even faints… my heart and my flesh cry out… Even the sparrow has found a home… Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley… they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength… Hear my prayer Lord… Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper… than dwell in the tents of the wicked. No good thing does he withhold… Blessed is the one who trusts in you.

Chapter 21A – Anniversary

I’ve admitted it, there you go.

It’s very hard to please me with good gifts because what I want is actually the hard stuff: I want you to really care and to show that both in words and action.

Tuesday, 21 February 2017.

Day – Does it Matter? Love stops time.

It’s our one-year anniversary and he’s promised to call a little later.

Anna is looking out the window of the cottage she adores so much. The sun appeared from behind the heavy clouds just now, as if to celebrate their special occasion. Its rays are resting over the cleanest of snows. And when you live in Finland, you value each second of sunshine, isn’t it so?

Some friends were here with Anna over the weekend, but had to go back to work in Helsinki. For Annita, this is Spring break from school, 9 days off for ‘hiihtoloma’.

Since Mr. Boyfriend and I can’t be together today, that’s how I’ve planned it: I want to be alone!

Alone. To feel. To reflect. She needs to reminisce, in order to continue writing this book she’s recently begun.

Omar and Anna chatted on Messenger earlier. He’s been reviewing her first drafts and has some constructive criticism.

“Anna, there in Chapter 2 where you say you like practical gifts. I’m not quite buying it. Nobody’s that pragmatic. Come on!

“Gifts make one feel seen… It’s about feeling valued and important to others at the end of the day. But OK, the socks are nice. Romantic.

“Amiga, why don’t you take advantage of the fact that you’re anonymous? Be fully honest with yourself, tell the reader everything. You’re an Alias, it’s a diary. It’s safe to pour your heart out. And we’re curious.” 🙂

The next few days are going to be her first holidays alone.

Ever.

Anna had been afraid to be here like this, in such secluded surroundings. The pitch-black darkness of night. Well, she’s been locking all doors, even though you don’t really need to do that in the middle of the forest in this country.

Mostly, she had been afraid of feeling lonely out here without him – every corner of the place bursting with memories.

So far so good.

Always face your fears! Don’t run away from them. And… solitude and loneliness are different things!

This is solitude.

And what a wondrous place this is.

Back to work then, Chapter 2, where did it end?

Ah, here it is… Eggs, Light Coke, Diesel, Lindt. She is reading over her Ray Ban glasses.

“Socks. Yes!! Socks… Someday I’ll share my life closely with somebody again (but it will have to be someone as special as me), and we’ll give each other good socks for every birthday and every Christmas. One pair each. And sometimes on a normal day too, just to be romantic. ❤️‍😍”

I’m changing the verb tense. There. This sounds better: “And we’re wearing them all.”

I like that part, it’s sincere, hopeful, simple and romantic – like me. Hope Mr. Boyfriend takes the hint. Haha.

OK Anna, challenge of the day: be honest with yourself. Think of this whole situation. The whole mess. Dreams, frustrations, the longing. Everything you and he shared in a year.

She leans back on the couch and is suddenly in far-away-heartland. For a loooong time. When she comes back to here and now, Anna is ready to type away…

Obs. Day 428 – but love does stop time!

Chapter 18 – Downsides and Upsides

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Monday, 1 February 2016.

Day 43

Anna’s just arrived home after having coffee with her old-time friend after work. They’ve known each other since Anna’s wedding day, back in 1995, when Mary was brought to the festivities as a +1.

It’s always lovely to catch up with a lady friend, isn’t it? A good dose of oxytocine and your stress levels come tumbling down.

Anna’s told Mary about joining Tinder and they giggled about her first dates.

Despite the fact that Mary felt quite shocked with that piece of news! For one, she’d never even heard of dating apps and, being the very wise, well-behaved type, Mary doesn’t really fathom Anna’s decision.

“What’s the hurry, dear creature? Take some time, enjoy life! You’ve only been single for a month and a half,” she exclaims wide-eyed.

Nonetheless, Mary’s a good listener and always shows great respect for her friend, so she just reminds her to be careful, which Anna promises to do.

Hey, I don’t know about you, but the first twenty years of Anna’s life were spent in a very close-knit and cheerful, oftentimes noisy circle of relatives, friends, classmates, and above all, her musical parents and siblings.

In the next twenty years, she found herself constantly surrounded by all of the aforementioned, with the addition of her two beloved kids.

And handsome Mr. Ex.

That is, when it felt like he was present at all.

Volleyball is Anna’s favorite sport and now I can say I finally understand the reason. Involving constant team work and cooperation, it is such a social game. No wonder why she plays it ten hours a week, loving every moment of it.

You see, when you’re divorced and your kids are practically adults, there are some nice upsides to your life. You can focus on your hobbies, spend hours and hours with friends; even decide to sleep over after a visit, chatting and laughing all night long around their dinner table.

If you want to, you can live sparingly and save all your money to the last dime. Or just go on a shopping spree and, who cares, save next month. Good-bye having to discuss and agree on those things with your spouse, or then deal with the disapproving frowns.

The first year of divorce is fun. Mmm. Go on Tinder, courageously look for love again.

Oh, and does Anna enjoy a tidy flat or what.

Having to do the laundry only once or twice a month and – oh, oh – eating easy-to-prepare eggs and salads. Healthy. And cheap, too.

I’m no advocate for divorce – God forbid. But, you can up and travel during all your holidays. Make last minute plans and then change them, just like that. Hey, maybe not even come back home from a long trip before the very last vacation night…

…On the other hand, there is a downside.

One of many. 🙁 But the one I’m talking about is coming home to an empty house.

Don’t believe me? Maybe that’s because your life is always busy with family members and unending chores, so you’d gladly accept a quiet, home-alone day. Cozy and relaxing – I can understand that.

I remember.

But, we are social beings and life is to be shared. So, when Anna comes home, night after night to her dark, empty flat, knowing nobody is there, and no one is going to come in through the door, not even later in the evening… Nobody’s going to wish me good night… I’ll tell you, at times her stress grows with the hours.

It can feel pretty lonesome and cold. So, that’s why.

Flash forward to 2017 and………….

Obs. Day 43 since moving out. What now?

Chapter 17 – Netflix and Eggs…

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Saturday, 30 January 2016.

Day 41

It’s Saturday evening and the kids have left to their dad’s again.

The week with them was lovely. Heart-warming. They all went to school, enjoyed time together at the gym upstairs, watched Friends and talked.

And hugs, lots and lots of them. Naturally!

I think they’re OK. And we have each other.

As planned, Anna focused on them all week, going on zero dates. But… she did chat with Frederick and Christian on a daily basis – during lunch break and such.

The way Englishmen interact is so different. Warm and lively. They’re polite. Communicative. It feels pretty awesome. 🎯

With Frederick, the chats are quite deep. Friendly and versatile. He seems to be a frank and centered person. There’s no talk of meeting up, but their exchange feels soothing. Besides, he’s cute. Maybe we could be friends who are there for each other.

With Christian, on the other hand, it’s always so surprising!

He’s smart, playful, flirty, witty, but in a very gentlemanly way, making Anna laugh all the time.

He seems quite eager to get to know me better.

And women love attention. 😍😍😍

Christian asks questions, comments on her replies. What an endearing guy… And he keeps promising to come to Finland soon.

Hmm. Too good to be true? We shall see.

But……. don’t put all your eggs in one basket, Anna! Nor in two. Haha.

Not yet.

You never know, after all.

And remember you’re free to play the field for the first time in your life. Breathe, sit back, enjoy the flirting, the attention. The cute compliments.

After Mr. Ex, I’d say it’s about time!

It’s snowing outside, and Anna’s feeling really content. It’s one of those rare, special moments. She goes into the freezing balcony and looks out the window. Oh, the glass is a bit dirty. Eurgh! I hate cleaning windows.

Later. I’ll do it one day.

So what, the rest of the flat is in tiptop shape.

She’s taken a shower and is just relaxing in bed, enjoying the weekend over the clean sheets. Perfect. Life is good. There’s nothing better than chilling in bed with your skin against crisp, newly-changed sheets, with a warm eiderdown to cuddle and wrap your feet in. Is there?

Perhaps some Netflix?

Her phone rings. It’s beautiful Kristiina. Calling to ask her what she’s up to. “Oh! Nothing special. Just some Netflix and chill.”

“Mom! Nooooo!!! Don’t say that!” — Kris is giggling, partly terrified, partly amused.

“Why? What? It’s cool. My pupils say it all the time. They look happy when they do.” — Anna says — “Last Monday I began my lesson by asking them what they’d done over the weekend. ‘I myself just netflixed and chilled’, I told them. They loved it!” — by this time, Kris is laughing uncontrollably.

What the heck?

“Mom!! Don’t you know what it means?? Haha. OMG. Joey, come here! Mom… it’s code language. You text somebody to come over for Netflix and Chill. The chill part is sex! The movie is just an excuse. Or the warm-up. Hahaha.”

Now I’m blushing. “Oh, they got me, those little devils” — and I’ll never say that again. Thank God for my teens. Phew.

“Haha, ok Kris, noooo! No chilling whatsoever here. Just netflixing. I promise.”

It’s still early evening when Andre sends her a text on Tinder.

So, read about them, aka my next Tinder Dates in the upcoming chapters. Coming to you through WordPress, sponsored by Netflix and…

Absolutely No Chilling (so far).

Obs. Day 41 of no chilling.

Chapter 9 – Switching Homes

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? 🙂

Friday, 15 January 2016.

Day 26

Happy Man

🎼 Now playing at Anna’s

When I die there won’t be much
To salvage from my earnings
I never had a lot of land or houses to my name
I’ve never been a corporate prince
On Madison and New York
I never held a diamond in my hand

But I’ve seen children laughing
As only children can
And I’ve known my Creator
And I’ve been a happy man

I never really loved the way I saw it in the movies
But I had myself a woman of my own
The place we lived was modest
And we kept the yard together
I never traveled far from my hometown

But I’ve heard music playing
That made me understand
And touched the hearts of heaven
And I’ve been a happy man

Life has had its hard times
When I’ve felt the chill of winter
I can’t forget the night
When my sweet Julie slipped away

But growing old is different
Than I always thought it would be
The sweetness of my youth
Just grew with age

‘Cause I’ve known wealth and beauty
Beneath His guiding hand
And knowing soon I’ll see Him
Has made me a happy man
And knowing soon I’ll see Him
Has made me a happy man 🎶

Mr. Ex is back from the Bahamas and the teens have now switched to their old flat to be with dad. Kris and Joey are going to live a week with each of us parents, according to what has been agreed on.

The situation is new to everyone involved, and definitely not easy, but at least their homes are only 1 km away from each other – Ruoholahdenkatu and Jätkäsaari.

Anna is sitting in her car with him – Mr. Ex, who else?

The weather is really bad outside, and a huge snow storm is making Helsinki more and more beautiful by the second.

They are talking politely about things, his trip, the teens…

… And the divorce application form. 😯

“Just fill in both spouses’ whole names, identity numbers and the date. Ah! Don’t forget to sign and also tick the box stating this is the first divorce application,” the officials had answered to her phone inquiry.

Yes, it’s as simple as that in Finland: one single, very easy PDF page that you google and print. And just shove into a mailbox anywhere, as though it were a birthday card. A few weeks later a confirmation with an invoice will be mailed. And six months later the judge’s decision. By POSTI, as well.

How can they make something so painful so easy! Ha!

Better this way – as if life isn’t complicated enough during a separation.

She has decided that if things have progressed this fast, so that Mr. Ex has already traveled with Ms. Newbie, then they should get an official divorce ASAP.

She hands him the pre-filled application.

They find no pen in Anna’s car.

Decisively, Ex gets out of the car into the piercing storm to sign the form inside the Siwa grocery store on Eerikinkatu.

That’s what he really, really wants then, she realizes with sorrow and silence, feeling the pang of rejection again.

The next day, she spends her whole Saturday cleaning. She likes things to be spick and span, and especially organized. The lack of space makes it hard to keep all their stuff tidy when Anna and her teens are sharing the place.

Nevertheless, it has been soooo special to be with them for over three weeks. ❤️‍

Joey, Kristiina and I have always been so close.

To her, it feels like they are her friends as much as she’s their mother.

Just before leaving, Joey wants to open up. He doesn’t want to go back to his dad’s, as he’s feeling angry at his father.

“He should have used the time with us, mom! Maybe traveled with us to grow closer and make us feel safe at a time like this… Not with that F…Ne#wb%i&e…H!

“To hell with them! This whole thing is too hard. And how can he not love you?? You’re the best there is!!”

It’s tough to see Joey like this. Anna is feeling sad and concerned about her son.

While she is searching for inner strength and wisdom about how to respond, she just listens, thinking in silence…

Gosh! How are things gonna go??

Of course I’d like the teens to stay with me longer, but how will they keep the bond with their father if they don’t spend half the time with him?

And Mr. Ex has to come back to normal life, back to reality! Our kids are his responsibility, too.

Oh, he will – I’m sure. He’s always been a loving dad…

But what about Joey’s feelings??

Besides, if I make an exception already and let them stay on over here, how can I expect to divide their time and care with Ex later on?

It doesn’t matter how I feel right now.

I have to think of their best. Think long term, Anna!

Otherwise, they’ll be the ones who will suffer the most. They’ll regret growing distant to their father.

Anna doesn’t want Kris and Joey to feel unwelcome or unwanted in her – ops, their – new flat. She needs Joey to understand the situation.

It takes some loving words on her part to calm him down.

“Son, I understand your feelings. You’re entitled to feel the way you feel and you’re always allowed to express yourself to me. Always! I’ll try to listen and to understand, I promise,” — he is sitting on the kitchen counter and she puts her hand gently on his knee — “Having said that…

“…Life is messy, my darling. You don’t understand adult relationships yet. Your dad and I really tried everything we could. We want to try to wish each other happiness now. And…” — sigh — “…Maybe you’re right to question his actions… But he loves you and wants to keep close to you and spend time together!”

“Eurgh. It will be so hard to be there, mom!!”

“Yes, I know.

“Joey darling. As hard as it is to accept this… Your dad and Newbie are just human. At the end of the day, they are doing nothing hateful. We’re not talking about war, crime or terrorism here… They’re just two people trying to love and be loved. That’s it.” — she sighs.

He should have tried harder to love ME better!

“I know mom.” — it’s his turn to sigh — “For me it’s OK that you guys separated, it’s not that… But to already have traveled with another woman! So wrong. You guys are still married.”

“Hey Joey, remember. You don’t have to like the way things are, but I want you to always treat them with respect anyway, OK? Give it time…

“You know what, son? You can call me and we can meet up ANY day after school! We can hang out even when it’s your dad’s turn to be with you. Come over for a snack or to do your homework. I’ll be missing you, too. Very much.”

They hug good-bye and Anna feels heartbroken. For now, the whole separation seems a bit easier on Kristiina.

It’s Saturday evening now – many hours later – and Anna’s place is looking clean and cozy.

She showers, gets into her pjs and then places her favorite vinyl on the record player she got herself for her 39^th birthday with money gifts from friends. She’d planned on buying one for centuries. She’s glad she did.

B.J. Thomas is singing and his lyrics sound like a mix of comforting and fantastic to her ears as she stands there, looking out the balcony door.

Happy Man has just played. The song touches the depths of her soul! A simple, loving, happily shared life is all I’ve ever wanted.

How hard can it be? Was I asking for too much??

Will I ever have another go at that? A second chance?

She’s kept this specific record through all the zillion moves from city to city, country to country since she was a child. She’d dreamed of having a record player again, wished to turn vinyls to the other side to listen to good music in a nostalgic manner, like her dad used to do when she was growing up.

Definitely worth it!

🎼 He holds the stars in the sky
He holds the land back from the sea
If He can do all of that
Surely he can take care
Of you and me

He’s got it all in control… 🎶

Anna feels that she herself is doing well under the circumstances, but offers up a million prayers for her teens to be OK.

Somehow.

Obs. Day 26 since moving out. What now???

Chapter 1 – Separated Anna

This blog is a book. Maybe better read from the beginning? The Prologue and Intro. 🙂

Sunday, 27 December 2015.

Day 7

Separated Anna has started to settle down in her new flat. It’s been three days since Xmas Eve and the teens have been with her since then. She’s feeling merry that they are spending time at their new place together.

She loves Kristiina and Joseph so much. Forever and for always!

“I love you guys too much… and not nearly enough!❤️‍” — is what she sometimes texts them.

Gosh, to heaven and back, to hell and back, and everywhere in between. Natural motherly love. Plain and simple.

Talking of feelings…

For the time being, all her tears have dried up. For now, she’s just focusing on making sound decisions: Keep your cool, Anna! Stay strong, try to find joy, be light, resilient and matter of fact.

Nonchalant.

Fight the low moods with sports and a healthy foods, Annita! Spend time with your teens, relatives and friends. Enjoy freedom!

OK, OK… If needed, cry a little. But not too often, please! — she rolls her eyes, annoyed — If Mr. Ex doesn’t want to be with me anymore, well, too bad for him. His loss – stupid man!

What do I care?

Anna has been through a thousand emotions in the last few months. Torrential tears, inexplicable laughter, numbness, rage, relief, doubt, heart-wrenching self-doubt. Just to name a few of the feelings that welled up from the most unbeknownst depths within.

Take the night she moved out of her home, for instance. It felt so horrible that she can’t bear dwelling on it. She won’t even allow me, the narrator, to further elaborate on that yet.

Unconsciously, Anna has postponed her final tears for the lost marriage to later on.

You actually can – willingly – push your grief into the unkonwn future. But warning! It will catch you there when you least expect it.

Anna’s storms are slowly brewing, the necessary mourning is still to come. Thunder and lightning – believe me! The narrator is here in 2017, so I already know everything that’s going to happen back in 2016.

This book will seek to relate to you the story of Anna’s attempts at self-reconstruction more or less in chronological order (perhaps with a few flash forwards and -backs).

Keep calm 👑 and Anna’s 2016 will be uploaded with novelty.

Sweet Lord Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Xmas donkey! 2016 will turn out to be a fun-filled year — sweet and full of passion — like she can’t imagine just yet.

Obs. Day 7 since moving out. New beginnings!